Leading the Way

Yours truly heading into battle and on his way to winning the 2007 Championship.



I gotta admit, I think I look pretty fucking bad ass.

No more Mini

I'm no longer allowed to test drive Mini Coopers from one certain dealer in the area.
Apparently I "drive them too hard" when I take them out. I mean are we expected to pussyfoot the things when test driving them or should we be allowed to open them up and see what we can do with them? I'm sure when people go to buy a high end car they don't keep them under 60 in the highway test. The Mini is a driving machine and thus should be test driven as such.

One Sold

I don't believe it either but someone in the past year bought a FUGGO thong.

Potential

There's a good chance, a really good chance that I will be signing a professional sports contract within the next two weeks.

Yup I've been busy.

More to report after tryouts are over.

Me being lazy

I'm with ya ladies.

$60 for a bra? Thats recockulous! Is there that much engineering involved in keeping boobies upright? I guess there might be because the prices you all are paying for them is just insane. Now granted I'll pay $9 for a decent t-shirt or a good pair of boxer briefs but now much more. Maybe I just don't have the ability to understand the difference in how a $20 bra feels on verxux a $60 bra. Is it the padding? Is it the extra strength nylon needed to push them up to make them look like they did when they were 17? I proclaim ignorance onthis subject. Look I can barely take the things off properly when fooling around. Sometimes the thing is on there so tight a brother needs a crowbar to pop those clips in the back. Maybe thats where the pricing scale comes in, the security of those clips in the back?

I have a solution, skip the bra all together, especially on cool fall days where your just wearing a nice t-shirt or blouse.

Notice the Demon's Ass

Now my question is "Is that Hell?" Because having to smell all of the shit that is coming out of your mouth certainly would seem to qualify,

The Fuggo Challenge, 9/13/07

The first person to sucessfully find me on facebook and post the URL in a comment will win something. I don't know what but it'll be something.

Most of you probably still stopping by know my real name or at least can twist someones arm to get it. So happy hunting.

btw I've had this facebook thing for about a month now and I've logged in exactly twice.

Seriously?

Why do we bother folding underwear?

Now this is Lego Engineering

A machine made of Lego assembles Lego cars.

Now playing in CT...

Thats yours truly on the left with an equally capable paintball killer on the right. We played in a role-playing paintball game based on the HBO series Deadwood. We were literally hunted down by the law in the game for the first 2 hours of the game.

It's good to be wanted.

Circumcision

Recently a friend and his wife welcomed a bouncing baby boy into their household. He's a good little guy with the pre-req of 10 fingers and 10 toes. But what he might be losing shortly has erupted into a debate between he and his wife that I'd like to share since well he dragged me into it last week.

So far the little guy's little guy is still covered up by a foreskin. They did not have him circumsized at the hospital due to his father thinking it was a barbaric travety to rob his son of something that will only make sex all the much better in about 16 years. His wife agreed initially and life would be great for the little guy. Now after overhearing a debate about the subject on national radio she is second guessing the move and even went as far to schedule an appointment to have the foreskin removed. Now Dad has something to say about this saying it would rob his son of sensation during sex. Sensation that he, being circumsized, will never know about or be able to enjoy.

In my view we were born with the flap for a reason and I'd say let it stay. She is worried about him being rediculed about it but is it worth desensitizing him to save him from a couple of prebubescent chuckles?

I say no but now I ask you, would you have your son circumsized?

Drinking in HD

I don't know how many of you out there have an HD set already, probably a good bit of you. But if you don't your missing out. It's disgusting sometimes how great a show can look in HD. I don't even like to watch standard tv anymore, hell I can't. I actually turn off baseball when its in SD.


Since I've gone HD I have become addicted to one show in particular. It's called Three Sheets and it plays on Mojo, an HD channel I think most of you all should have. It's basically a show about a guy who flys to all sorts of faraway places and drinks the local tonic. Basically it's my dream job and the guy who hosts it is one lucky son of a bitch. I mean who wouldn't want to get paid to travel and drink? And you don't have to write anything! You just sit there and get schloshed while the camera rolls. Fuck I can do that.

Any way the show is responsible for the case of Guinness in my fridge at the moment. I watched the Ireland episode and immediately wnet out and bought a case of the stuff. I've been drinking it forever but never have a I bought a case of that stuff. One a day should get me through the next 3 weeks nicely. . . very nicely.

Remember kids...

Beans and hotdogs at 9 p.m. are not a good idea for a late night snack.

Up

All

Fucking

Night

.

Coming Soon....

Back during the 70's anyway...



I grew up on this movie and it's one of the few that if I catch it on while flipping the channels I'll sit and watch it. I just realized the girl behind the counter is Melanie Mayron. Remember her?

Experienced

Just got off the phone with a friend of mine who was a little worried about going into the office tommorow. Seems she slept with one of the VP's in her place Friday night. She's 28, he's nearly 55 by her estimate. She was "drunk" and regrets what happened but now she has to go into the office on Monday knowing full well what she did while praying nobody in her place finds out.

As we talked about it we started talking about sex with older people. I admitted to having a woman, well she had me, a woman in her 40's when I was 18. She lived on the block I grew up on and always dressed rather down, almost tomboyish. She used to ask my buddies to buy he pot whenever they went to get some for themselves and she basically just hung out the rest of the time.

One day she came out of her place and asked if I could help her move some furniture in her place. I wasn't doing anything at the time so I followed her in to the house fully expecting to help her move a sofa and some tables. I sat down and she asked me if I wanted an iced tea. I said sure and off she went to the kitchen. I looked around the place and checked out her fish tank that had this massive fish inside. She came back in and handed me my tea and we sat down on the couch. We started shooting the shit about people on the block and what they did behind their doors. Before I knew it her hand was rubbing my left leg. I looked up at her and she caressed my left cheek. My heart began to race as I started wondering if this was a dream. Meanwhile her hand started to inch it's way over to my crotch where it was now rubbing with a good stroke. She leaned in and the next thing I knew she was on top of me and we were making out. Back and forth we went flip flopping all around the living room until she invited me upstairs. I followed her up and as soon as I had closed the bedroom door she was already on working on my second pant leg. It didn't take long after that and we were moving furniture. It was fantastic to say the least and I walked out the back door of her place with a slight limp.

She had me by 20 years but numbers were only numbers that fall day.

If Fuggo was a car...

It would look something like this....

Porn

It sure does make life that much better doesn't it?

Shit now I have to wipe off the keyboard here.




Just kidding.

3 Years...

It's been 3 years since I started up this thing after being inspired by a dog named Moufa.

In that time the following may or may not have happened,

I drove a left-handed Porsche 911.

Had dinner with a U.S. Congressman from New Mexico.

Flew to Dublin, Ireland got off the plane and then promptly turned around and hopped another flight to Frankfurt, Germany.

Got a pedicure.

Threw a no-hitter in softball.

Ate 132lbs. of pasta.

Farted in an elevator and then smiled at everyone.

Quit my well paying job to go back and finish school.

Looked at boobies on the internet.

Had a waffle sandwich at a diner in Illinois at 4 a.m. with a Hell's Angel.

Beat back an invasion of Amazonian women hell bent on recovering a stolen spoon.

Lambasted, yes lambasted, someone for not doing enough lambasting.

Eaten a gyro with lamb meat for the first time.

Filmed a cooking show pilot in NYC for a show called Gamerbelly with me as the host.

Set a world record in paintball. (this ones true)

Let my hair grow long again to achieve that "Thor" look.

Traded drunken text messages with a fellow lush down south.

Done the safety dance.

Bought a new Wok.

And have only used it twice.

Was crowned "Karaoke King" at Killinger's.

Had a streak of 5 weeks Quizzo champion broken by a team of 13 people. I played by myself.

Had my left nut checked out to see if I had testicular cancer.

Read a whole lot about Lance Armstrong.

Turned into a 12 ft tall fuzzy orange simian.

and finally

I grew corn indoors all year round.

*thanks to Phain for pointing it out that I had missed my sites birthday.

Bad Pete!

Blam!

Nifty Flower Pic

I took this a couple of weeks ago while visiting an arboretum in the area. Thought I'd share it here.

Not much going on here, which is a good thing.

We'll get back to the wacky at some point with more candy reviews.

Imagine this...

this one is for her...

Imagine this...

... a world where a being can fly through the air as graceful as it can swim through the sea. At home in just about every enviroment it lives a relatively peaceful life passing it's days in relative bliss.

And then one day a ship lands on it's world. It says "NASA, USA, Earth" on it's side. From it's metallic shell a door opens and out from it's dark interior walks strange beings. The native beings at home as much in the air are curious about this new sight and move in to investigate it. Suddenly one of the newly arrived grabs one and stuffs it into a container, trapping it. The native population is held aghast at the action and soon many of them are being caught by the denizens of the metallic structure just landed. Desperate calls go out among them, warnings of what is taking place and the rest of the native secies is alerted and begin to organize a response. Shortly the next day at the rising of the third moon they move in to rescue their fellow natives. They attack with a ferocity not known to them before this. They were peaceful but now they are ferocious. Shortly they have dispatched the new beings and their ship. They have rescued their mates and buried their fallen.

Before this encounter it could fly through the air as gracefully as it could swim through the sea. Now it has tasted conflict, pain, hate, and it likes it.

On this world the humans are the aliens, and the native beings will no longer tolerate their presence.

Beware Flying Pizza

I will be in NYC in two weeks to film a pilot for a cooking show. It'll be me and another guy in front of the camera doing something never before seen in a cooking show. We're going to cook while naked.

Actually were going to be wearing these boots that let us stick to the ceiling. We're going to be cooking everything while upside down. This way we don't get any boogers in the food. See they'll just fall back into our nasal cavity.

Seriously though the show will be filmed outside in Central Park. We'll be hunting the wild game of the park with a bow and then clean and grill whatever we get right in front of whomever walks by us.

Not joking now we will be cooking hobo style. We'll be traveling down the back alleyways of the Bronx learning to cook from the assorted bums, mental patients, hookers, and crack dealers that infest the under belly of the city. Why not cook eggs while cooking meth?

We may end up doing a show where we boil things that are meant to be fried and vice versa.

Saturday Mornings

Hacked

Call me a geek but I've got 21 games stored on my Nintendo DS right now which leads to no time to update this site. I'm addicted what can I say, fucking Soduko's or however it's spelled.

I'm currently accepting donations to the Fuggo Condo Fund. The one I want is only $225,000 right now. Not bad when you factor in the 16' high ceilings. Can you imagine the funky ass shit you could hang from a ceiling that high?

Here check it out:Imagine the parties you could attend there! Send money now and reserve your spot at the house warming party.

Beer

Kersplash!

My phone fell in the toilet.

I may or may not need your phone numbers again.

I'd say this is a shitty predicament but since there was nothing in the bowl with the Nokia I'm clear.

Surprisingly...

Your puke is green after you down alot of green beer. But your piss still remains as golden as the treasure at the end of the rainbow.

justanotherdayinthefkd three four

It was a long dark day in the east side of Pratt. Kids crowded into the local check cashing center throwing quarter after quarter into the newest version of Street Fighter while the older generation of kids, them being over 60, stood inline cashing their monthly check. They would then move from that line and into the lottery ticket line where the girl with ratty blonde hair manned the machine. The smell of fresh donuts hung in the air along with the smell of hair dye and cigarette smoke. No breeze was blowing but even if there had been one the blood from the shooting outside would never had made it inside the check cash. Some poor soul was gunned down out front, probably drug related. Takes the police 5 minutes to show up. By that time all of the know it alls of the avenue had gathered preaching to the others there that they had seen everything. Meanwhile a man laid on the ground bleeding to death. One of the boys inside the check cash forgot aout his Street Fighter game and ran outside to man. He recognized the man on the ground. He was one of the reasons his once proud neighborhood was now a haven for drugs of all kinds. He and his actions were the reason that fire happened on Buffield St killing those kids. The boy thought about all of the terror the man now lying in front of him had wrought on his streets."He deserved this." The ambulance pulls up and paramedics pour out. After 5 minutes the man is loaded up on a stretcher. The boy doesn't think about that day for another 15 years.

Schtuff

Flintstone vitamins taste like candy. Eat to many though an you'll shit a hand grenade.

Ever try typing with a thumb splint on? It's like well like this!

I made pho for the first time the other day and I'll be damned, I didn't fuck it up.

Your probably wondering what pho is, google bitches.

Someone murdered my Ionic Breeze. Wheres Orbach when you need him?

No I don't want to go to the mall. Theres better things for me to do than stand out front of a shoe store on a Saturday afternoon. You know the spot, where all the guys stand looking over the railing at the women walking by down below. Maybe just once in awhile we get some decent cleavage. Maybe.

Duke didn't fuck up my pool this year, go VCU.

The 2001: A Space Odyssey soundtrack is fucking spooky. Want it? Send me an email.

Bourbon.

Blast from the Past

I happened upon this vid by complete accident yesterday on youtube. Boy did the memories come rushing back of me sitting in front of the tv watching Sesame Street. Youtube "Classic Sesame Street" and be taken back.

Funniest Show Today

Split from China Blue

A real good friend came up to me about 6 months ago while watching me coach a peewee hockey game. She looked at me and said point blank "It'd be a shame if you don't end up someones father, you'd be so great at it." I was taken back, flabbergasted, humbled a little, and flattered. I'll be honest... since that day I have kind of taken what she said to heart. Maybe I would make a good dad afterall? Or maybe I'll stay the course and be the cool uncle like I plan.

Remember Space Invaders?

Truth

So I'm sitting there trying to study when one of the members of my team starts crying histerically. She can't take it any longer. The secrets have become too great for her to keep hidden any longer. For too long she has met with him in parking lots hopping into his ride and then fooling around with him knowing full well that he would be going back to his first love and not to her. Her, she the woman he has been seeing on the side since last summer. Her the young woman he had said he really loved all this time. She loves him so dear she goes on to say and goes so far to tell myself and the other two there about thier plan for the future.

After she gets done I respond simply "Thats what you get for fucking the Burger King."


Ladies, don't get involved with a guy who sticks his meat into the mouths of millions each day.

Curry

Sorry but I'd rather try and smear curry onto the nuts of a rabid pitbull than eat the stuff. People have tried for years to get me to eat it and each time I did it's been more revolting than the previous time.

I know the problem. The first time I ever ate anything with curry in it it was prepared by a little Irish woman I used to work with. The Irish shouldn't fuck with curry I'm guessing.

Have a good recipe involving curry please by all means paste it into a comment. Or invite my ass over and make it for me. I'll do the dishes.

2 6 5

I'm a braggard when it comes to bowling on my Wii. 265 is fucking awesome.

Sculpture

Sometimes your art may not be someone elses art. Thus I present to you the following.

Fuck Yeah!

Expensive Reunion

W: Whatever happened to her anyway?
K: Lori?
W: Yeah
K: Heard she moved to Florida after marrying that 40 year old religous guy.
W: No that was Chris.
K: Oh yeah, then it was definitely Anne.
W: No, she actually ended up having three kids with two different guys. Her man kicked her out of the house when the third child came out alot darker than he was.
K: Say what?
W: He obviously wasn't the daddy since the kid came out with a "natural tan."
K: That's fucked up, was it the other Lori?
W: Nope she drives a truck now. Everytime she comes through town here she calls me up for coffee. Her truck is nice.
K: You fucked her in it didn't you.
W: Nah, ever smell the inside of a truck?
K: No why?
W: Trust me when I say it's not something that will be bottled up anytime soon.
K: Well I don't know what happened to her.
W: Oh well.

Five hours later at the Crazy Horse Too!

W: Well what do you know.
K: What?
W: That stripper in the corner.
K: On the pole?
W: Yeah, upside down, it's fucking Lori.
K: That's fucked up.
W: What's fucked up is that I'm going to pay $50 for a lapdance from a girl I used to have sex with for free.
K: Me too.

Planet Earth needs more...

... 70 degree days in January.
... free range chickens
... hours in it's orbit, preferably 8.
... rainforests
... volcanoes forming islands in the pacific capable of supporting an infrastructure and pineapple farms.
... chicks in bikinis, yeah!
... people who know how to make ham and bean soup.
... bison.
... bobsled runs.
... people who lick poison dart frogs.
... Lynda Carter circa 1970-something
... ways to fight back against the human scourge and it's blasted "earth movers".
... cowbell.
... animals that are tasty.

So I woke up Sunday morning to a magnificent blue sky outside. The sound of birds chirping with a sweet smell finding it's way into my room thanks to the bakery down the road. I staggered to the kitchen to start prepping some eggs and scrapple while knocking back a glass of cranberry juice. Just then I heard the paper boy, Ricky, hit my front door with the Sunday paper. "Perfect timing again." I thought to myself as I made my way to the front door. Sure enough bundled up perfectly with two rubber bands was my paper. I retrieved it and went back inside ready to fill my brain with the latest news and my belly with animal parts. Half way through my scrambling of said eggs I heard something I had never heard before...

"Gwack! Gwack!"

Perplexed I just ignored it but soon it came again...

"Gwack!"

It was clear it was coming from the back of the house so I cinched up my robe to make sure the old woman across from my backyard wouldn't see my manhood and preceded to walk outside to find out what was making the weird sound. As I rounded the corner to the east side of the house what I saw was something completely unexpected...

a pelican had landed in my backyard.



Go ahead and tell me pelicans land in your backyard all the time.

30? Mii?

Orange and Fuzzy

It happened completely without me knowing. I woke up one morning when I was 14 with my left foot swollen and covered in orange fur. It wasn't in any kind of pain and the fact that I could walk on it normally was quite a surprise to the team of doctors that had examined it. The scientific community had never seen such an anomaly and in the end I was told to just live with it. And that's just what I did.

Buying a pair of shoes is tough when your left foot is size 16 and your right is only size 11. It's tough to find a matching pair. Thankfully the left foot was pretty resistant to all forms of weather and temperature change so I just started walking around with it bare, or as bare as I could get it. Chicks dug the left foot. They'd paint the toenails on it and braid the fur. I would look down their shirts as they did both. When your 14 you'll take any boob shot you can get and that includes getting a pedicure on your mutant left foot if needed.

The high school football coach caught the story of my foot and when I entered ninth grade he asked me to kick for the football team. I would wallop the crap out of the ball setting state records that will stand the test of time.

I just drew a picture of the foot which I actually drew with my own left foot. Check it out.




Happy New Years Folks.

Dear Santa

I've been a good human being this year. I haven't invaded anyone's country,
knocked over any trash cans
loaded bunnies onto a rocket ship,
taken steroids to improve my home run percentage,
been traded to Denver for two first round picks and some scrubs,
zapped a lab animal with a new laser,
eaten brussel sprouts,
played World of Warcraft,
eaten at taco bell,
smacked a puppy for shitting on the rug,
eaten pizza while singing "Hey Jude",
given money to the poor,
used ebonics
read dianetics
fathered Katie Holmes child
created terrifying math problems to warp 5th graders minds with
picked up a box of cereal with a tiger on the front
punched jimmy in the belly
pinched Morgan on the heiny
downloaded any porn starring Jameson
watched one single episode of 30 Minute Meals
or called Rachel Ray a nice word
looked at Britney Spears vag shots and thought "maybe?"
.
.
.
etc
.
.
.

So in return for me being such a good boy this year I only ask for a ticket to either the Land of Make Believe or to a plane going somewhere very far away and sunny.

Thanks.

Your buddy,

k o w

SNL Actually Being Funny

Oy!

3 A.M.

actually 4a.m...

all out of hot chocolate...

Wawa is just around the corner...

(off to Wawa, will finish post when I get back)

site minimized on desktop.

Back.

Why didn't I learn to throw a baseball at an early age?

Matsuzaka is now $52 million heavier in the pockets.





Quick link to funny is right HERE

Just Prior to the Execution...

Tough

Haragei & Gyotaku

The last time I had visited Japan I had gone there to chase a girl. We had spent an incredible 2 weeks getting to know one another while she was here on a tour. She ended up ditching the tour and crashed with me for the remainder of her trip meeting up again with her tour group for the flight home from San Francisco.

I drove her to San Fran instead of her having to bus hop and fly around the U.S. to all of the touristy spots. I was determined for her to see what this country was all about by sharing a piece of apple pie at a truck stop in Nebraska around 4 am instead of all the bullshit I'm sure her guide would have shown her. She agreed and off we went.

Not having any clue how to get to Nebraska I headed out of town on whatever road was lined with signs that said "west" on them. I had twelve more days to make it to San Francisco to say goodbye to someone sitting next to me whom I had only met the day before. We drove through the night most of the time with her occasionally goofing up by turning into traffic as if she was back home.

Some firsts were custard, football jerseys, and John Cougar Mellencamp. That fucking radio never stopped playing his songs I swear. By the time the neon brilliance that was Shoemaker's Truck Station we had had enough of pink houses. We walked inside and got the normal looks one would expect to get if you were a yankee walking into a midwestern truck station at 4 am with a young Japanese woman by your side wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hoodie.

Two cups of tea, a slice of apple pie, an order of fries and a cheese burger were the order. It came with a 1,001 stories thanks to the cook who was entertaining the diners while flipping pancakes and burger patties. There were some crude jokes about Mexicans but nothing too offensive. She mentioned something about mayonaisse and the next thing I knew we were being delivered a dissertation on the differences of regular mayo and Miracle Whip and their effects on your grilled cheese sandwich.

We stepped outside, breathed in the diesel fumes, wiped our hands and walked towards the truck. With five days to San Francisco we hadn't seen the Grand Canyon yet and had to get a move on if we were going to.

Oh yeah, the last time I was in Japan...

shit

wait a second here...

this was post number

500

Blang!

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Philadelphia lived a young man who went to the market in search of soup, milk, and hotdogs. Running up and down the aisles avoiding the other peasants he went about his business gathering what he had come to the market for. With all of the items in his basket he proceeded to the counter where a tube caught his eye. This was no ordinary tube. Green and white and only about 4 inches long it stared back at him daring him silently to pick it up. The young man fought the temptation with all of his might. Looking at the tube he knew it's contents would be bad and thus avoided it. When his items had reached the merchants register the young man turned around and without hesitation picked up one of the tubes and placed it on the conveyor belt.

And he lived happily ever after...





very happily...

L O L

The Tallest Post Ever

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Top 10 Reasons Why...

Via an email so don't shoot the messenger....

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Won't Get Married
Young men want to get married. They really do. They want a wife, children and the house with the picket fence. They just don't want it right now. Instead, men ages 25 to 33 prefer to have fun, unencumbered by commitment and responsibility.That's the word from a new study called "The State of Our Unions" that concludes that young, educated, professional men don't want to commit to marriage, reports Ladies Home Journal. They place great value in the institution of marriage, but the single life beckons. Since today's men -- unlike their fathers and grandfathers -- don't have pressure from church, employers or society to get married, they aren't

The researchers interviewed 60 heterosexual men in Chicago, parts of New Jersey, Washington, D.C. and Houston. For the most part they were employed full-time and earned between $21,000 to $35,000 annually. Most had either attended some college or graduated. None of them were married, although three of the men were fathers.The top 10 reasons young men don't want to get married now:
1. They can have casual sex without marriage, something that is far more common today and accepted than in generations past.
2. By living with a girlfriend, they can enjoy all the benefits of a wife without having to say, "I do." This is a no-risk way to test the idea of marriage.
3. Men want to avoid the financial risks of divorce. What better way to do that than to not get married in the first place?
4. Since they don't have to worry about their biological clocks, men say they want to wait until they are older to have children. They really do not want to be pressured into marriage by a woman whose primary goal is to have kids.
5. Their greatest fear is that marriage will require too many changes, compromises and responsibilities. After all, it's a lot more fun to play poker with the boys all night long.
6. Men are romantics at heart. They believe in a soul mate, and they're willing to wait for her. What is a soul mate? Men define her as someone who accepts them just the way they are and does not want to change them. These men don't want to settle for second-best.
7. There are very few social pressures to marry. While their dads were pressured by religion, employers or society to settle down and say "I do," men today are free from that.
8. Men are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children, primarily to avoid competition and conflict with the children's biological father.
9. They want to become a homeowner before they become a husband. Being established financially is an important goal many men want to achieve before they marry.
10. Men want to enjoy the single life as long as possible, especially as they become accustomed to having their own space and routines and not being responsible to anyone else.

Accept No Substitute

As Sick...

As sick as I am today sitting on my couch while puking up another lung my symptoms are exacerbated even more by the absolute horridness that is daytime television.

You want to know whats wrong with this country? Watch your television from 9am to 5pm.

Movie Pick of the Week

Go see The Illusionist. Because even when wearing 35 layers of clothing Jessica Biel is still the hottest woman on the face of the Earth.

The film is actually very good and comes highly recommended. It'll have you talking with other movie goers at the end trying to... well let's just leave it there. Paul Giamatti is in it. So there;s no fucking merlot anywhere to be seen.

I challenge you the reader to find a more beautifully shot film.

Ed Norton: That ass is no illusion.

Cold, Spooked, Drunk

Ever take a cemetary tour at night in October? If you ever do bring spirits with you and drink it fast. Makes the whole thing alot better.

The weeks leading up to Halloween are a personal favorite. You can do all sorts of wacky shit and generally find a group already doing it. An article in the paper was giving readers the "heads up" on the not well known activities that go on around here. Apple orchards, Japanese gardens, and pumpkin patches galore. But what caught my eye was the midnight tour by candlelight of one of the oldest cemetaries in the new world. Having grown up with a cemetary literally right around the corner I am not afraid to walk into a graveyard after sun down. But this one was different. This was a tour where the organizers had people walking around the cemetary in costume dressed as some of the more famous residents of the land beneath our feet. To catch the silhouette of a man in a top hat in the dark from about 40 feet away will make you take a pull from the flask too.

Bork Bork Bork

Go Click It

Ever clicked on this button in the top right corner of most sites hosted here?

Try it and see where you land. In some cases you'll land in a great new world with lots to say. In other cases you'll land somewhere where they speak a different language than you. But more often than not your going to end up somewhere you do not want to be at all.

It's a scary world out there, better bring a towel with you.

What would you do...

... if you came home to find your trash can occupied by a grouch?

... if you discovered that toothpaste tastes great on steak.

... if that old guy around the corner shoots at the old ladies on the block with a BB gun to get their attention.

... if you realized that all this time what you thought was green was more of a deep purple?

... if you did drink that last magarita over Jerry's house.

... if you had to do it all over again except this time stick your dick in the mashed potatoes?

... if hot dogs suddenly leaped to your rescue against the army of the hamburger squadron?

... if you opened a jar of pickles and got sucked into it.

... if the neighbors dog dug up your backyard and found the bodies you had buried there?

... if you could fly to the moon in an energy bubble powered by you whistling Talking Heads tunes.

... if you were cursed to laugh uncontrollably at others misfortune?

... if you went to Hershey Park and developed a peanut allergy?

... if you kept reading to this point and said this fucker is nuts.

... if you could swing through the trees like an orangatan?

... if you had to pick up all the dirt by hand on your carpet right now.

... if you just walked into the local bakery and started throwing pies at everyone and then paid for them all with pennies?

... if you decided that enough time had passed since you last ate lima bean yogurt?

... if you had reached this point and are shaking your head.

... if you couldn't stop reading this shit.

... if you knew k o w was just fucking with you now.

... if he said there would be a prize if you read 5 more.

... if you counted this as number one.

... if you counted this one as number two.

... number three.

... if you knew you were going to be hornswaggled today?

By the Numbers

Saturday
4 clips fired out of one MP5.
100 .38 caliber out of friends gun, don't know make or model.
2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
1 cup of milk.
6 pizzas ordered for beginning of bachelor party.
3 cases of beer.
3 cases of soda.
6 fights on UFC pay per view.
2 buddies swearing they could have turned pro in baseball at dinner.
52 cards per table.
4 tables.
6 guys each.
one poker tournament.
2 discussions with friends about "koi" fishing in the neighbors pond.
32 koi counted while fishing with french fries.
4 wheels on truck.
2 passengers with me driving.
$25 cover charge for strip club.
$15 given back to me in ones following me handing over $40 to get in.
3 beers drank.
2 boobs
x
22 strippers
=
44 boobs
1 ex-girlfriend from 8th fucking grade now a "dancer".
1 ex-coworker now a "dancer" at same club as above.
"$0" quoted to me for a lapdance by said ex-girlfriend from 8th fucking grade.
5 times I said "no thanks".
6 times I had to say to myself that 8th grade was...
15 years ago.
15 ones stil in my pocket after leaving.
one pillow
one blanket
one bed.
one great fucking bachelor party.

Bump in the Night

Around 4 am I decided to go outside and walk around . The cloudy night had completely blocked out the moon forcing me to turn on the the porch lights. So I turned to look down the side porch to see what was making a sound and saw nothing. Shot my flashlight into the woods and there was nothing there. Before I went back in I set up a video camera to catch the raccoon, possum, whatever it was making the noise outside. I heard the noise again around 4:30 am after I went inside and came out to look around. Again nothing so I checked the tape and this is what I caught...

You do not want to see the video... you wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

Mowing in the Nude

Sure I mow in the nude, doesn't everyone? You know just go out to your yard, fire up the lawnmower, lose all of your clothes, turn invisible and then go about the task of cutting the grass. There was one time where the mower nearly chopped off my right foot but no one saw it since I was invisible. All they saw was the jerking motion on the mower handle .


Go ahead and say it. There are no fingers in the gloves right? Therefore I must be behind the camera in the pic taking the photo. You could be right about that actually.

Nicaragua

In 1995 I had the opportunity to spend two weeks in Nicaragua with a family in Managua. A great country that when spoken of people automatically conjure up bad images of Sandanistas with guns and drug lords. There's alot more to the populace than what the outside world thinks or what is shown to us by the media.

Anyway back to the story my time in the country was wonderful. I remember one day the mother of the family I was staying with asked me in Spanish "Es usted a casa enfermo?", which in English is "Are you home sick?" I told her I wasn't and she nodded ok and went about her way. I went out that day and ventured through the country side running into some guerillas and the such. Upon my return that night Anna, the mother, had gone out to the local store and bought a Coca Cola and some cheese and made me a grilled cheese sandwich. It was one of the most thoughtful things ever done for me.

I haven't spoken or traded any mail with them since 1998.

Believe in Ghosts?

9/something/06

Just woke up from a siesta where I was having a dream. In it I had just stormed out of a picnic where people kept eating all of the food off of my plate. I hopped in a car and started driving. Somehow I ended up on a bike and was cruising through a record store on it when a clerk stopped me. He sent me outside where there was a line of women waiting to audition for America's Top Model. So I rode my bike down the line then returned to the store and looked in the window. Through the window all of the women were being made to eat lollipops. So I turned to pedal away when a van started chasing me. Men with pig masks and bearing submachine guns started chasing after me on foot. Somehow I ran into my house and hid under the floor in a secret hideaway spot. The pigmen ran straight over where I was hiding so I opened up the trap door and was back at the picnic with another plate of food and a woman dressed in all white manning the grill.

I always wonder just what in the fuck dreams like this actually mean if they do indeed mean anything.

Ebay

Anyone ever had their ebay account invaded? That's what ebay is telling me. Apparently some fuckhead decided to hop into my account and start fucking around. I've taken all of my info off of ebay and paypal to be sure and it doesn't look like anything has hit my wallet yet but who knows.

3 for 3

For the 2006 wedding season the "author" of this here site has kept a perfect record for doing the following list at each wedding attended.

1. Wear a red shirt and tie.
2. Start the night of drinking off with a Jack and water.
3. Never finish said Jack and water.
4. Retell the story of New Years Eve 1996 to someone's date.
5. Realize that was over 10 years ago and order another beer.
6. Somehow leading the group in singing that Neil Diamond song that no one knows the name of but everyone knows the words to.
7. Get a second serving of pudding.
8. Break up a fight in the men's room between ex-boyfriends and current boyfriends.

Yup 3 for 3 this year.

Thought of the Day

If I walk into a pub and theres an angry drunken stingray at the other end looking for a fight I'm not going to fuck with her. She's bad news.

Virgin

Ever had one?
I've had two myself.
First one was terrible in bed.
She was almost a recluse when I first met her. She came up to me at a hockey game I was playing in and told me I looked like Pavel Bure. After that we dated and she and I eventually well... see the title. I was a scumbag back then and actually dumped her about 3 months after deflowering her. Something she still mentions to her friends today.

The second virgin worked out much better actually. More later.

"Weeds" Teaches Masturbation

Weather Bunnies

Seems every channel on my television dial now features some hot, young weather girl telling me it's going to be wet tommorow and that I'm going to need my rubbers out there. Well no shit. I'm probably going to need my rubbers sooner before later if she bends over anymore in her blouse with the plunging neckline. I don't think they require degrees to read the weather anymore. Gone are the old guys who knew what the hell they were talking about. Now all you need is a fresh face, boobs, and a skimpy yet professional looking skirt that comes down just over your ass cheeks. I haven't had such an interest in the weather report before.

It's come to the attention of my bladder that a large banana and strawberry smoothie isn't a great idea before walking into a 2 hour lecture on the digestive system. I was dancing up a storm in that lecture hall aisle and didn't move as not to disrupt the rest of the class, all 250 of them.

Paul Shaffer from the David Letterman show looks weirder each time I watch the show. I don't watch that much but here I am now thinking "He looks like an ugly piano playing troll."

Yeah so I took a golf class here in my return to full time status. I need a breather between the 6 other classes I have and where else can I go and smash something for an hour 3 days a week in the middle of the day?

I need new underwear. There's a cold front coming in or something and "Bunny" just nearly popped out of her shirt while reaching for a cloud.

Oh HBO is playing reruns of that show "Cathouse" which follows the goings on in a brothel in Reno, NV. All these girls are saying they're the smart ones because they get paid to do something they love. Well I guess if fucking fat, hairy slobs with receding hairlines is your kind of kink then it is the ideal job for you.

I'd be a whore if I could.

NO way! CBS slimmed down Katie Couric in promo pics? This just in America, there isn't a photo put out by a media outlet today that has been touched up. She's not a weather bunny so I guess it needed to be done.

Strange New World

Log Date, 8/29/06: I touched down 2 days ago into this new land and it's been rather difficult as of late to get my bearings. On Monday I parachuted into this terrain that looked familiar to me from high up but is now very foreign. The sights and smells are different. The locals all seem to be close to ten years my younger while the elders that stand at the front of each assembly seem to be more of a peer of mine. The local females display much more skin than one was used to seeing when I would fly over the area before. And the males seems uneducated and more burned out than what I had hypothesized.

The locals all walk along now plugged into small units with white wires running into the ears as if listening to something. I'd have at the wires with my machete but I fear it wouldn't do much good as there are so many of them wired up in this fashion now that I wouldn't be able to escape the horde that would fall upon me.

I have been eating alot of the local fruits. They are easily accessible thanks to merchants who set up their wares on each corner I round. It is good and thus far I have been able to manage without any ill effects.

My chopper out of here won't be back for awhile. I either have to try and fit in with this new society or I'll be trampled.

Fuck Humidity

Chime in if you agree. If you don't then you must be in Arizona.

I haven't been around because...

13 Minutes of Pryor

Precipice

Looking out here from the edge I can see nothing but good things.
It's only when I look down that I feel a little less secure than I was just moments before.
Today is the last day of the last four and a half years.
The peers are all in agreement.
Now is the time and place.
And I am in complete agreement.

Lesson Learned

When you post 5 minutes of completely open access to your website people will log in and post pictures of an ass.

Tis' a lovely thing.

My A$$

Love, Brandon

I am a Pee Pee Head

And I love the cock :)

HNT- LaCock!

Yes!
Wanna see a bunch of people get half naked today? Sure you do, your heart still beats correct? Head on over to Osbasso's site to check it all out.

And remember to keep on LaRockin'!

Offal

Today we're serving Scrapple. What you've never heard of the stuff? Scrapple maybe the greatest breakfast food you've never had. Now before I get into telling you what scrapple actually is I should tell you to look past the ingredient list and just try some. It's a pork product that comes from... ahh fuck it here's what's on the Wiki for it...

Scrapple is typically made of hog offal, such as the head, eyes, heart, liver, bladder, and other scraps, which are boiled with any bones attached (often the entire head), to make a broth. Once cooked, bones and fat are discarded, the meat is reserved, and (dry) cornmeal is boiled in the broth to make a mush. The meat, finely minced, is returned, and seasonings, typically sage, thyme, savory, and others, are added. The mush is cast into loaves, and allowed to cool thoroughly until gelled.

Now I know your basically saying "Fuck you k o w if you think I'm going to eat that shit." and I'd be in agreement with ya if I had never been exposed to it before. Yes basically it's everything not used on the pig chopped up, boiled, and then mixed with cornmeal and gelled together into a small gray brick. Not appetizing for sure but the flavor of the stuff is second to none.

I prepare mine much in the way everyone else does. I slice the loaf into quarter inch patties and fry it up. Put it on the plate with some scrambled eggs and top the whole lot with ketchup.

Hi, I'm a Dork with a Penis

Enlightenment

It was a cool summer evening in August with little to no humidity weighing down the breeze. The smell of lavender wafted along mixing with the fragrances coming off of the bakery down the road. As I laid in the grass of the backyard looking up at the night sky viewing the first meteor shower these eyes had ever seen I began to feel a peace. Real, true tranquility. It was surreal lying there staring up at the stars for what felt like the first real true time it had happened. Suddenly I was 10 again learning something for the first time. The synapses were going off in my mind as I tracked the movement of bright orbs in the night sky.

Then a possum sniffed at my toe. I freaked. It hissed. And we both ran the opposite way from one another screaming like schoolgirls.

I've Been Nano'd

I now own an ipod. Yes I bought an Apple product. It's fucking sexy. This is going to be a short post as I'm trying to put files on this thing. One song at time isn't cutting it. Any ipod vets out there wanna help out your buddy here?

EDIT:
Hey if you do a podcast, listen to a podcast, use a podcast as bait, fry podcasts on the stove, fold podcasts as soon as they come out of the dryer, drive podcasts to ballet, or covet your neighbors podcast leave a comment here pointing me to it.

HNT

That's my foot and hers. Yes some people on the internet meet in real life and take photos of their feet.

Cars

k o w :So how was the beef and beer last Friday.
T: Fun, sorry you missed it.
Get into any trouble?
Don't I always? "A" brought a friend who brought a friend.
Ready made blind date, can't beat that.
Yeah see I didn't get home until 6 am.
You didn't fuck him did you?
Yeah I did, I think it was because he drove a brand new Corvette.
So you fucked him because he drove a Vette'?
I think so, is that bad?
Nah, cars are an essential part of pulling ass. That night it did it's job.

Tagged!

I got tagged by one of my favorite internet people lechatquiapeur. You may know her as the only person to ever write for this here site besides me. That's because she kicks ass so without further ado here goes...
Four things about me you may not have known:
A) Four jobs I have had in my life: HVAC Installer, Professional Wrestler, Cherry Picker, and Investigator
B) Four movies I could watch over and over: Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, Braveheart, Pulp Fiction
C) Four places I have lived:Philadelphia, Frankford, Rambler Park, and Wildwood, NJ
D) Four TV shows I love to watch: This Old House, nip/tuck, CBS Sunday Morning, and Deadwood
E) Four places I've been on vacation: Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Disney World, Brazil!
F) Four of my favorite websites: Comcast (email), BBC, CBS Sportsline, and Gorillamask.
G) Four of my favorite foods: Banana, Beer, Spaghetti and Sausage, Anything cooked over an open flame on a grill with charcoal.
H) Four friends I will tag: I can't pick just four so I'm tagging everyone right on the ass who stops by here regularly.
Right now I would rather be: Traveling the globe seeking adventure.

Schwing!

I do miss the old Buck Rogers TV show. Erin Gray was such a hot piece of ass. All she wore was form fitting jumpsuits while defending the galaxy along side Buck and his pals. I'm going to miss the old water cooler type discussions I get into here in the zoo. We started out talking about the Alaskan oil lines and ended up on Buck Rogers. Only in here will something like that occur.

Club Protection

Some guys put tigers or sharks on top of their golf clubs.
Some guys use flags or simple material to cover theirs.
But not me, not after this weekend.
You see my clubs are now protected by the greatest dog off all time.
My dog.
Toby, the half poodle, half sheepdog.

Don't you think he'll look great on top of this? I do.

8 Inches of "Male"?

R: I had 8 inches of mail this morning.
k o w: Say what?
R: I had 8 inches of mail this morning. On my desk.
k o w: 8 inches of male on your desk this morning huh, how was it.
R: Tough, it was heavy too.
k o w: What? It couldn't have been more than a pound or two.
R: About that I guess, I didn't weigh it.
k o w: How long did it take before you got the male done?
R: Only about half an hour.
k o w: Quite the stud then was he?
R: What?
k o w: The male on your desk this morning, all 8 inches of him.
R: Huh? Oh your so fucking dirty sometimes.
k o w: Wait you came to me just now and said you had 8 inches of mail/male on your desk. What did you expect?
R: I'm taking you to McDonald's for lunch now. It's your punishment.

Rubber Balls & Liqour

This one was funny as piss in 2nd grade.

Just say "Rubber Balls and Liquor" after each of the following statements.

1. What did you eat for breakfast this morning?

2. What did you eat for lunch today?

3. What did you have for dinner yesterday?

4. What did you do to Sister Rita last night?



Yeah it's lame but that joke was a hit in Sister Rita's room when I was seven.

Social Call?

k o w: Hey Suzy
Suzy: Oh hi!
Hey I need a file pulled.
Oh I thought this might be a social call.
Well work can be social.
With you leaving and all I thought you'd might want to get a drink sometime.
But I just needed a file pulled.
Let me get that for you right away.
Thanks.
And we have to have lunch or dinner before you leave.
Sure.

It's amazing what turning in your resignation turns up. I have no less than 12 lunch or dinner invitations for the next 3 weeks. If you want free meals and drinks quit your job today!