Orange and Fuzzy

It happened completely without me knowing. I woke up one morning when I was 14 with my left foot swollen and covered in orange fur. It wasn't in any kind of pain and the fact that I could walk on it normally was quite a surprise to the team of doctors that had examined it. The scientific community had never seen such an anomaly and in the end I was told to just live with it. And that's just what I did.

Buying a pair of shoes is tough when your left foot is size 16 and your right is only size 11. It's tough to find a matching pair. Thankfully the left foot was pretty resistant to all forms of weather and temperature change so I just started walking around with it bare, or as bare as I could get it. Chicks dug the left foot. They'd paint the toenails on it and braid the fur. I would look down their shirts as they did both. When your 14 you'll take any boob shot you can get and that includes getting a pedicure on your mutant left foot if needed.

The high school football coach caught the story of my foot and when I entered ninth grade he asked me to kick for the football team. I would wallop the crap out of the ball setting state records that will stand the test of time.

I just drew a picture of the foot which I actually drew with my own left foot. Check it out.




Happy New Years Folks.

Dear Santa

I've been a good human being this year. I haven't invaded anyone's country,
knocked over any trash cans
loaded bunnies onto a rocket ship,
taken steroids to improve my home run percentage,
been traded to Denver for two first round picks and some scrubs,
zapped a lab animal with a new laser,
eaten brussel sprouts,
played World of Warcraft,
eaten at taco bell,
smacked a puppy for shitting on the rug,
eaten pizza while singing "Hey Jude",
given money to the poor,
used ebonics
read dianetics
fathered Katie Holmes child
created terrifying math problems to warp 5th graders minds with
picked up a box of cereal with a tiger on the front
punched jimmy in the belly
pinched Morgan on the heiny
downloaded any porn starring Jameson
watched one single episode of 30 Minute Meals
or called Rachel Ray a nice word
looked at Britney Spears vag shots and thought "maybe?"
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.
etc
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.

So in return for me being such a good boy this year I only ask for a ticket to either the Land of Make Believe or to a plane going somewhere very far away and sunny.

Thanks.

Your buddy,

k o w

SNL Actually Being Funny

Oy!

3 A.M.

actually 4a.m...

all out of hot chocolate...

Wawa is just around the corner...

(off to Wawa, will finish post when I get back)

site minimized on desktop.

Back.

Why didn't I learn to throw a baseball at an early age?

Matsuzaka is now $52 million heavier in the pockets.





Quick link to funny is right HERE

Just Prior to the Execution...

Tough

Haragei & Gyotaku

The last time I had visited Japan I had gone there to chase a girl. We had spent an incredible 2 weeks getting to know one another while she was here on a tour. She ended up ditching the tour and crashed with me for the remainder of her trip meeting up again with her tour group for the flight home from San Francisco.

I drove her to San Fran instead of her having to bus hop and fly around the U.S. to all of the touristy spots. I was determined for her to see what this country was all about by sharing a piece of apple pie at a truck stop in Nebraska around 4 am instead of all the bullshit I'm sure her guide would have shown her. She agreed and off we went.

Not having any clue how to get to Nebraska I headed out of town on whatever road was lined with signs that said "west" on them. I had twelve more days to make it to San Francisco to say goodbye to someone sitting next to me whom I had only met the day before. We drove through the night most of the time with her occasionally goofing up by turning into traffic as if she was back home.

Some firsts were custard, football jerseys, and John Cougar Mellencamp. That fucking radio never stopped playing his songs I swear. By the time the neon brilliance that was Shoemaker's Truck Station we had had enough of pink houses. We walked inside and got the normal looks one would expect to get if you were a yankee walking into a midwestern truck station at 4 am with a young Japanese woman by your side wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hoodie.

Two cups of tea, a slice of apple pie, an order of fries and a cheese burger were the order. It came with a 1,001 stories thanks to the cook who was entertaining the diners while flipping pancakes and burger patties. There were some crude jokes about Mexicans but nothing too offensive. She mentioned something about mayonaisse and the next thing I knew we were being delivered a dissertation on the differences of regular mayo and Miracle Whip and their effects on your grilled cheese sandwich.

We stepped outside, breathed in the diesel fumes, wiped our hands and walked towards the truck. With five days to San Francisco we hadn't seen the Grand Canyon yet and had to get a move on if we were going to.

Oh yeah, the last time I was in Japan...

shit

wait a second here...

this was post number

500

Blang!

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Philadelphia lived a young man who went to the market in search of soup, milk, and hotdogs. Running up and down the aisles avoiding the other peasants he went about his business gathering what he had come to the market for. With all of the items in his basket he proceeded to the counter where a tube caught his eye. This was no ordinary tube. Green and white and only about 4 inches long it stared back at him daring him silently to pick it up. The young man fought the temptation with all of his might. Looking at the tube he knew it's contents would be bad and thus avoided it. When his items had reached the merchants register the young man turned around and without hesitation picked up one of the tubes and placed it on the conveyor belt.

And he lived happily ever after...





very happily...

L O L

The Tallest Post Ever

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Top 10 Reasons Why...

Via an email so don't shoot the messenger....

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Won't Get Married
Young men want to get married. They really do. They want a wife, children and the house with the picket fence. They just don't want it right now. Instead, men ages 25 to 33 prefer to have fun, unencumbered by commitment and responsibility.That's the word from a new study called "The State of Our Unions" that concludes that young, educated, professional men don't want to commit to marriage, reports Ladies Home Journal. They place great value in the institution of marriage, but the single life beckons. Since today's men -- unlike their fathers and grandfathers -- don't have pressure from church, employers or society to get married, they aren't

The researchers interviewed 60 heterosexual men in Chicago, parts of New Jersey, Washington, D.C. and Houston. For the most part they were employed full-time and earned between $21,000 to $35,000 annually. Most had either attended some college or graduated. None of them were married, although three of the men were fathers.The top 10 reasons young men don't want to get married now:
1. They can have casual sex without marriage, something that is far more common today and accepted than in generations past.
2. By living with a girlfriend, they can enjoy all the benefits of a wife without having to say, "I do." This is a no-risk way to test the idea of marriage.
3. Men want to avoid the financial risks of divorce. What better way to do that than to not get married in the first place?
4. Since they don't have to worry about their biological clocks, men say they want to wait until they are older to have children. They really do not want to be pressured into marriage by a woman whose primary goal is to have kids.
5. Their greatest fear is that marriage will require too many changes, compromises and responsibilities. After all, it's a lot more fun to play poker with the boys all night long.
6. Men are romantics at heart. They believe in a soul mate, and they're willing to wait for her. What is a soul mate? Men define her as someone who accepts them just the way they are and does not want to change them. These men don't want to settle for second-best.
7. There are very few social pressures to marry. While their dads were pressured by religion, employers or society to settle down and say "I do," men today are free from that.
8. Men are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children, primarily to avoid competition and conflict with the children's biological father.
9. They want to become a homeowner before they become a husband. Being established financially is an important goal many men want to achieve before they marry.
10. Men want to enjoy the single life as long as possible, especially as they become accustomed to having their own space and routines and not being responsible to anyone else.

Accept No Substitute

As Sick...

As sick as I am today sitting on my couch while puking up another lung my symptoms are exacerbated even more by the absolute horridness that is daytime television.

You want to know whats wrong with this country? Watch your television from 9am to 5pm.

Movie Pick of the Week

Go see The Illusionist. Because even when wearing 35 layers of clothing Jessica Biel is still the hottest woman on the face of the Earth.

The film is actually very good and comes highly recommended. It'll have you talking with other movie goers at the end trying to... well let's just leave it there. Paul Giamatti is in it. So there;s no fucking merlot anywhere to be seen.

I challenge you the reader to find a more beautifully shot film.

Ed Norton: That ass is no illusion.

Cold, Spooked, Drunk

Ever take a cemetary tour at night in October? If you ever do bring spirits with you and drink it fast. Makes the whole thing alot better.

The weeks leading up to Halloween are a personal favorite. You can do all sorts of wacky shit and generally find a group already doing it. An article in the paper was giving readers the "heads up" on the not well known activities that go on around here. Apple orchards, Japanese gardens, and pumpkin patches galore. But what caught my eye was the midnight tour by candlelight of one of the oldest cemetaries in the new world. Having grown up with a cemetary literally right around the corner I am not afraid to walk into a graveyard after sun down. But this one was different. This was a tour where the organizers had people walking around the cemetary in costume dressed as some of the more famous residents of the land beneath our feet. To catch the silhouette of a man in a top hat in the dark from about 40 feet away will make you take a pull from the flask too.

Bork Bork Bork

Go Click It

Ever clicked on this button in the top right corner of most sites hosted here?

Try it and see where you land. In some cases you'll land in a great new world with lots to say. In other cases you'll land somewhere where they speak a different language than you. But more often than not your going to end up somewhere you do not want to be at all.

It's a scary world out there, better bring a towel with you.