Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Monday, October 23, 2006

As Sick...

As sick as I am today sitting on my couch while puking up another lung my symptoms are exacerbated even more by the absolute horridness that is daytime television.

You want to know whats wrong with this country? Watch your television from 9am to 5pm.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Movie Pick of the Week

Go see The Illusionist. Because even when wearing 35 layers of clothing Jessica Biel is still the hottest woman on the face of the Earth.

The film is actually very good and comes highly recommended. It'll have you talking with other movie goers at the end trying to... well let's just leave it there. Paul Giamatti is in it. So there;s no fucking merlot anywhere to be seen.

I challenge you the reader to find a more beautifully shot film.

Ed Norton: That ass is no illusion.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Cold, Spooked, Drunk

Ever take a cemetary tour at night in October? If you ever do bring spirits with you and drink it fast. Makes the whole thing alot better.

The weeks leading up to Halloween are a personal favorite. You can do all sorts of wacky shit and generally find a group already doing it. An article in the paper was giving readers the "heads up" on the not well known activities that go on around here. Apple orchards, Japanese gardens, and pumpkin patches galore. But what caught my eye was the midnight tour by candlelight of one of the oldest cemetaries in the new world. Having grown up with a cemetary literally right around the corner I am not afraid to walk into a graveyard after sun down. But this one was different. This was a tour where the organizers had people walking around the cemetary in costume dressed as some of the more famous residents of the land beneath our feet. To catch the silhouette of a man in a top hat in the dark from about 40 feet away will make you take a pull from the flask too.

Bork Bork Bork

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Go Click It

Ever clicked on this button in the top right corner of most sites hosted here?

Try it and see where you land. In some cases you'll land in a great new world with lots to say. In other cases you'll land somewhere where they speak a different language than you. But more often than not your going to end up somewhere you do not want to be at all.

It's a scary world out there, better bring a towel with you.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

What would you do...

... if you came home to find your trash can occupied by a grouch?

... if you discovered that toothpaste tastes great on steak.

... if that old guy around the corner shoots at the old ladies on the block with a BB gun to get their attention.

... if you realized that all this time what you thought was green was more of a deep purple?

... if you did drink that last magarita over Jerry's house.

... if you had to do it all over again except this time stick your dick in the mashed potatoes?

... if hot dogs suddenly leaped to your rescue against the army of the hamburger squadron?

... if you opened a jar of pickles and got sucked into it.

... if the neighbors dog dug up your backyard and found the bodies you had buried there?

... if you could fly to the moon in an energy bubble powered by you whistling Talking Heads tunes.

... if you were cursed to laugh uncontrollably at others misfortune?

... if you went to Hershey Park and developed a peanut allergy?

... if you kept reading to this point and said this fucker is nuts.

... if you could swing through the trees like an orangatan?

... if you had to pick up all the dirt by hand on your carpet right now.

... if you just walked into the local bakery and started throwing pies at everyone and then paid for them all with pennies?

... if you decided that enough time had passed since you last ate lima bean yogurt?

... if you had reached this point and are shaking your head.

... if you couldn't stop reading this shit.

... if you knew k o w was just fucking with you now.

... if he said there would be a prize if you read 5 more.

... if you counted this as number one.

... if you counted this one as number two.

... number three.

... if you knew you were going to be hornswaggled today?

Sunday, October 01, 2006

By the Numbers

4 clips fired out of one MP5.
100 .38 caliber out of friends gun, don't know make or model.
2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
1 cup of milk.
6 pizzas ordered for beginning of bachelor party.
3 cases of beer.
3 cases of soda.
6 fights on UFC pay per view.
2 buddies swearing they could have turned pro in baseball at dinner.
52 cards per table.
4 tables.
6 guys each.
one poker tournament.
2 discussions with friends about "koi" fishing in the neighbors pond.
32 koi counted while fishing with french fries.
4 wheels on truck.
2 passengers with me driving.
$25 cover charge for strip club.
$15 given back to me in ones following me handing over $40 to get in.
3 beers drank.
2 boobs
22 strippers
44 boobs
1 ex-girlfriend from 8th fucking grade now a "dancer".
1 ex-coworker now a "dancer" at same club as above.
"$0" quoted to me for a lapdance by said ex-girlfriend from 8th fucking grade.
5 times I said "no thanks".
6 times I had to say to myself that 8th grade was...
15 years ago.
15 ones stil in my pocket after leaving.
one pillow
one blanket
one bed.
one great fucking bachelor party.