Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Greatest Soundtrack Ever?

There are very few albums I will listen to beginning to end without stopping or jumping through and this is one of them. No one can deny this albums ability to get your ass shaking. You hear the beats and all of a sudden your saying to yourself "This rocks!". You have the Bee Gees at the top of their game, swank ass instrumentals, and then the coup de gras The Trampps "Disco Inferno" which to me is one of the best songs ever written and reason enough to sit through the Kool and the Gang and KC and the Sunshine Band songs towards the end of the album.

I want to hear from you what you think is the best soundtrack out there?

Monday, January 30, 2006


It only took 8 months but today I can say assuredly that I beat The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap over this past weekend.

If you don't own a Nintendo DS your missing out on the most fun you can have in a truck governed at 55 mph.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Mile Marker 290

"Shit someone is pulling up behind us, shit it's the cops." We both struggled to get our pants on as fast as possible when the rapping started on the fogged up windows of the car. "Evening folks, can I have both of your driver's licenses please." We both pulled them out and handed them to the officer. "Shit we're in some trouble", she said. "What are they going to do to us? Arrest us for humping?" I replied.

After about 10 minutes the officer came back to the car and handed us our licenses, "So what were you folks doing up here?" "My car broke down!" she states and I just roll my eyes. Obviously she's never dealt with the police. "Broke down? What's the matter with it?" She starts to explain to the cop how the car won't start so she turns the ignition halfway then pulls it back before the engine kicks over, it's the worst acting job I've ever seen. "Well that's a shame maam, sir do you mind stepping out of the vehicle?" "Fuck" I scream in my head. Thanks to her and her weak broken down story it was going to be my ass in cuffs. So I hopped out and the officer waved me over, "You two have any drugs or alcohol on ya?." "No sir, to be honest we were just fooling around in the back seat." "Ok then I appreciate your honesty. I gotta ask ya's to move. There's a motel just down the road and a drug store across the street from it to pick up some rubbers in. You both have a good night." And with that he turned around and got into his car and drove off.

So remember, just be honest when your caught with your pants down.

Have a good weekend everyone, I'm outta here.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Adventure Breakfast

I just got off the plane from the Amazon so forgive me if I keep this posting short. Around 8pm last night I decided I wanted to eat my breakfast this morning with a piece of ancient treasure, the spoon of Mollowoctoc. Now I'm sure you've all heard of the spoon. In case you haven't legend has it that he who eats oatmeal from the spoon will find himself forever healthy. So I commandered a plane to Brazil and took off last night for the rainforest.

When I got to Brazil I stole a helicopter and flew it to the ruins where the spoon was supposed to be. As I hovered overhead the turbulence kicked up by the chopper revealed the spoon's chamber. It was completely dark out with nothing but the moonlight shining down so I found a place to land and proceeded towards the spoon chamber. When I reached it I climbed up it's incredibly steep steps and walked inside only to be greeted by 3 native women with spears and angry looks on their faces. They started towards me with the pointy ends directed at my heart so I only had one option, I knocked over an ancient stone statue and ran outside of the chamber. As I exited I made a left and hid. When the women came out they looked both ways and went right. As soon as they were out of sight I creeped into the chamber and grabbed the spoon. All of a sudden I heard a large boom. As I swung around the doorway to the chamber was now closed and the stone statue I had knocked over was now animated and walking towards me. Luckily it was slow so I lit my last piece of dynamite and threw it against the entrance. BLAM! The doorway is now open so I run past the statue and out, down the really steep steps and all the way to my chopper. I started it up and flew back to where my plane was waiting for me. The pilot took off and I leaned back in my chair to enjoy a piping hot bowl of oatmeal and fresh banana slices with my new spoon.

Totally true story.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


I have 2 weeks of vacation I need to use before June 30th.
I have about $1,000 to play with on said vacation.
Where am I going?

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Man

What can I get ya hon?
I'd like a hotdog with mustard and relish.
Baby it's 7 am in the morning are you sure?
Maybe a sausage sandwich?
Nope one hotdog please.
You come in here 3 times a week and order a breakfast sandwich or pancakes, now your in here asking for a hotdog?
Is it to early to order one?
Well the lunch menu doesn't start until 11am.
Hmmm... it's just I want a hot dog this morning.
I saw a billboard driving in with this hotdog on it.
That's the only reason why?
Yeah I guess.
Don't let the man make you eat something you don't really want, I'll order you your usual.
Umm Ummm ok sure.

As I walked out of the store today with my sausage and egg sandwich I realized she's the man.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Saturday, January 21, 2006



Fucking drunk off of an oak aged quadrupel (google it) and loving it. Everyone truly is beautiful when your drunk. Many call it beer goggles I call it stark reality. Many people are far more beautiful on the inside then they are on the outside. The place I drink at has alot of people considered to be beautiful on the outside hanging there. I find them nauseating. They can't carry a conversation any better than their chest can carry their fake ass titties. "I don't really read that much." one of them says to me. "Well then I guess we're though here." I say as I turn to walk away in search of someone with a brain.

Quote some poetry once in awhile and you will be amazed at what happens. Sure you'll get laughs with the rhetorical Simpsons quote but it won't help you get in the pants of the woman in the red belly shirt sitting on the stool in front of where your standing with her knee firmly pressed against your cock and blowing smoke in your face all night long. I hate smokers.
Where's my nerd?

Friday, January 20, 2006

Lunchtime Meanderings

What must it be like to simply live life without any shackles. Simply take off and explore this planet without any worry of paying the bills, worrying about work, etc... There are people doing it and I'm jealous.

Europeans really fucked up America by discovering it. Couldn't leave well enough alone could they.

Hot cocoa tastes a whole lot better with some vanilla cappachino in it.

Money is a crutch to limp on and a bat to the knees all at the same time.

Hodge Podge Link O'Rama!

Nothing to really run out here today. It's Friday and beautiful outside, well at least here in my part of the planet it is. Couple of things. One I will be posting the audio version of this site soon. I've had it on the shelf since November but from the early testing it looks like it'll work here. It's going to be the same shit you see here except it'll have someone's voice doing it. Who's voice I don't know. Could be mine or any other knucklehead that decides to lay down a track. I'm pretty free form with it actually and I think you'll enjoy it. I do have a Skype account set up for it so if you'd like to be a part of the "podcast" all your going to have to do is leave me a voice message on there.
If you haven't noticed or clicked any this post is chock full of links.

Some lifeform asked me the other day if I had my own personal website. I told them I didn't and then beat them in Scrabble. K O W is an enigma. It could be anything. Male, female, terrestrial or alien. Maybe the writer here is a clever dolphin in a pool somewhere typing this with it's snout. That would be quite the feat wouldn't it? Who knows who is typing this thing? You the readers may have some guesses but wouldn't it be something if all this time you were simply reading the thoughts of a demented 14 year old kid in the hall who has way too much time in study hall to use for his personal website. Boy that would really flip some lids I bet.

Maybe I am female simply posting away with things I think a guy would post about. I do enjoy chocolate and the Gilmore Girls once in awhile. Although I think I watch the show because the female leads are hotter than fuck .

Wow this post sucks. But it's Friday , it's beautiful out, and I'd rather be on the golf course right now than here typing this thing.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


"Yes Mr. (kow) we were wondering if you could come in for another donation."
But I'm not due to donate again until April I believe correct?
How's next week for you, Tuesday?
That's fine, see you then.

I walked into the office that following Tuesday and signed in. I had been donating for about 4 years and always wondered where it had gone after that. Sitting in the waiting room by myself I flipped through an "Outdoors" magazine and was enjoying the article reviewing hiking boots when I was called. I went into the backroom and asked the nurse why I was called back early for a donation. "Could be any reason really, they may have lost your previous one, used it, or they could be trying to bolster the amount in storage." Ok I thought and I went about the donation process. Quick and painless as always, both good things.

I settled up with the front desk and walked to the elevator and hopped on. As the doors were closing I heard "Hold that elevator" and proceeded to hit the button to open the door. "Thanks" stated the woman who walked in. She was dressed in a business suit with a nice skirt on, very professional. "Do you know of any good coffee places around here?" she asked. "There's a place right across the street from this building actually that has a great Hazelnut." I replied. "Cool thanks, can I buy you one?" Startled by the question but always one for a Hazelnut I agreed. What the hell I figured I was off for the rest of the day with no plans. Together we walked across the street and into the shop where we sipped coffee for about an hour. She was very inquisitive asking my thoughts on the topics of the day, where was I from, and where I went to school but never once asking my name. After awhile I felt like it was an interview but was enjoying it figuring what the hell, she didn't know my name. I finished my coffee and wished her well and she stood up with me to get ready to leave. As we walked out the door she turned to me and asked me "What's your father's middle name?" I told her and started to walk away wishing her well. I made it to the end of the block and turned around to find her turned around looking at me. She smiled and signed "Thank You" to me before turning around.

On the way home I started to analyze the whole afternoon. From the request to come in to make another donation, to the sudden save at the elevator, to the offer of coffee and the interview following. It all seemed too much of a coincidence. Then it dawned on me what was happening... she was going to have my baby.

I Want One

This is Leonardo. Created in collaboration by MIT and Stan Winston Studios it is an attempt at creating a fully sociable robot. While not designed for movement the robot can track objects with it's eyes and can feel when someone touches it and respond. I find the thing fascinating and sure a little cute. View the movies on the site if you can, their amazing to watch. American Scientific Frontiers has done a piece on the robot if your into the PBS thing and it's a real good watch. You can view that on their site for free. Prepare to be amazed. And maybe a little scared.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Completing the Tag

The lovely LadyLongFellow has tagged me now for the 2nd time and I am but putty in her hands so here ya's go. Enjoy.

1.) Hum a jingle of which you know all the words. "Call 588-2300 Empire! today!"
2.) As a kid, you played a board game over and over. And you cheated you little bastard! What was the game? This is easy, RISK
3.) What is the name of the song that you have been singing the incorrect words all these years? What were you singing? What should you have been singing? Men at Work's "Land down Under". I change the words all the time to that song to fit whatever mood I'm in.
4.) What is the most embarrassing childhood story that your parents drag out just to fuck with you for their own private amusement? Running naked down my street when I was 2 years old, complete with pictures mind you

4 Things you didn't know about me before!
4 Jobs I've Had:
1. Apple Picker
2. HVAC Installer
3. Nude Model (yes)
4. Warehouse Manager

4 TV shows I heart:
1. This Old House
2. Good Eats
3. Simpsons
4. CBS Sunday Morning

4 (favorite)Places I Have Been On Vacation:
1. Grand Canyon
2. Las Vegas
3. Disney World
4. Wildwood, NJ

4 Web Sites I visit daily:
1. Phillyblog.com
2. Ratebeer.com
3. Gorillamask.net
4. NLL.com

4 Favorite Foods:
1. Salsa
2. Banana
3. Apples
4. Beef

4 Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:
1. Mars
2. Arizona
3. That town in Gilmore Girls.
4. On the receiving end of a good blow job.

Names of 4 People I DO NOT like:
1. Terrell Owens (Fuck you T.O.)
2. The guy who invented the Reese's Cups (damn their good)
3. Chef Brockett from Mr Rogers' Neighborhood. (the drunk bastard)
4. Louie Anderson (not funny, never was)

Happy Birthday Ben

It was 300 years ago today that Momma Franklin popped out the being who would go on to a life so distinguished they still talk about him everyday. Benjamin Franklin turns 300 years old today and he's never looked better. Many here in Philadelphia still think he's alive and living, roaming the streets for knowledge and a young lady of French descent.

I have long been a fan of the man. I used to go down to Franklin Court alot to read and think. I found the courtyard to be a great place to get away from the hustle of the inner city. I would just sit there on a bench behind America's first post office and just try to absorb whatever I could from the area. I have been to the museum underneath Franklin Court too many times and I love it more and more each time I go.

I could go on and on about how this man has influenced the way I think and live but I find people don't like to read long articles on their computer screens. Instead I will just tell you that I consider myself lucky to have been raised in the very same town that Franklin called home. So to finish this post I leave you with one of my favorite quotes of Franklin's, "Fish and visitors smell in three days."

Monday, January 16, 2006


It's a rather rare occurance when it happens but when it does you never want it to end. It's that feeling of perfect comfort. Everything just feels right and you can remain in that spot forever and not have any worries. No it's not a beach somewhere on a far away exotic island. It is your bed. You know that feeling where your perfectly warm and toasty under your blanket. Your socks are off yet your feet are perfectly warm. The sheets under you feel absolutely great as you twist and turn on them. That's paradise, and I was there this morning.

Friday, January 13, 2006


... in a galaxy far, far away there is an alien who is typing on his form of a keyboard a post for his blog about nothing. He is writing the same exact thing as I am writing right now probably. All of his alien friends will read this post and think about it for a second before moving on.

... there is someone getting laid right now. Their not exactly enjoying it. In fact it is more of a charity fuck. You see their good friends with the person their fucking and felt bad for them and their lack of getting laid. So their lying their thinking of someone writing a blog about them in this act. "Can't they cum already?"

... a child is really pissed off he has to sit through another religon class at his Catholic school. All his friends are in public school and seem to enjoy it. They can cut class, smoke, run around, and if need be repeat the grade because it'll be better the second time around. He though is getting straight A's and wishes he wasn't but the fear of god and his parents is enough to keep him in his seat.

... some asshole is complaining about his coffee at the local Starbucks. This little conflict with the clerk is going to ruin his day. He's going to have a miserable day at work and then go home to his wife who's going to tell him about how she fucked his friend this morning for charity.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

This is garbage

They're fucking around with Spiderman again apparently. Now they want to change his suit to this piece of shit. I haven't read comics consistently in over 12 years. Once in awhile I go back for a book called Alpha Flight but thats about it so I've missed out on alot of things. This new Spiderman looks rediculous. Does Steinbrenner dare fuck with the Yankees uniform? No! Would the owner of the LA Lakers screw around with their uniforms? Hell no! So why is it that these asswads over at Marvel publishing feel the need to fuck with the way Spiderman looks?

How bad does that look? It's terrible. It looks like whoever drew him up colored him in red and then fucked up with a yellow highlighter. And what's with those knee caps? Is Lindsay Lohan playing Spiderman now? Now that I think of it his head looks exactly like an alien's head.

Yes it's a slow day today, it usually is when I post 3 things. Content, content, cointent.

Contributing credit goes to Bones for this one, thanks for shedding the light on this horror.

Penguins? Cataracts?

Tis' true.
This is the shortest post ever.

No HNT this week

Unless of course you want to view my cat scan films? If so then your waiting until tonight.

More buffoonery to follow.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Don't do crack.

So Lindsay Lohan is appalled by the story in Vanity Fair this week stating she had an eating disorder and a drug problem? I don't normally comment on shit like this but I have to. How about my penis is appalled by what this once hot little piece of ass has turned herself into. I know I'm going to catch some flack here but seriously she went from a well rounded, red haired knockout to a pale, grossly thin, blonde, addict looking scumbag. Clean your act up and return to your former glory woman. Mean Girls was a great movie and I had it on mute the entire time.
Dammit woman grow back the hips.

Morning Energy

I drink way too much of this stuff. It's good and indeed I have found it gives me that extra kick I need sometimes when running around. Plus the insode of the cap always has some thought provoking question on it that gives me something to think about. I like that. It's a complete package to me and at $1.25 a bottle it's cheaper than that Red Bull crap. Taurine, ginseng, caffeine, and B vitamins round out the additives in the aluminum bottle. Oh yeah the bottle is aluminum! How great is that? The bottle pictured here is the flavor "Rain". Basically it's cactus juice with some pear thrown in. I like that it says "cactus juice" on it because when people go into my fridge and see that on the bottle they won't touch it.
Anyone else drink this stuff?

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Cat Scan Dream

So I'm getting the cat scan done on my brain today (see concussion from paintball, 2 posts below) and I started thinking about how cool it would be if there was an accident during my scan and some how I was imbued with super powers. Like say there was an eagle in the room at the time of the accident and when I got out of there I had grown wings and talons. I could fight crime and wear a cape. Imagine the ass one could pull if they had the power of the eagle thanks to a cat scan accident. One could spot a feisty woman from across the bar and fly over next to her to buy her a drink. It would be futile for her not to accept the drink because how many times would a guy literally fly over to buy her a drink? Needless to say the sex would be a slam dunk affair. We're talking humping against the side of a 10 story building. Just for the rush the hero could pull out and drop the woman right before he cums and then swoop down to grab her just as she passes the 6th floor in her free fall and begin coitus once again. It'd be fucking hot because everyone wants to sleep with a super hero.
Think of the endorsements! One could trademark their own line of clothes and footwear because of the cat scan accident. "Wear what the hero wears." would be the tagline and kids would cry when dad and mom refused until finally giving in and buying junior underoos emblazoned with your image. You could have a Saturday morning show. Make it a reality show where the cameras watch you defend freedom and all of that shit. Fuck yeah!

Yup all of that in the 5 minutes it took for my cat scan to be taken. I'm going back to sleep.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Who me?

Out of no where they told me I was going to be next up there doing karaoke. "What? I'm not drunk enough yet." I replied while downing another porter. "You weren't always drunk back when you fronted S.E.MF." Fuck they had me cornered now as they were right. So the host called my name and I downed a shot and chugged the rest of the beer. The crowd clapped as I walked from the table.

As I got up on stage I was told what song I'd been signed up for, David Grey's "Babylon" a song I knew but had never really performed before outside of the shower. "Hi everyone, that table over there put me up here for this song, if I fug it up throw the beers their way, here we go." The music started as I pulled the stool over to sit on. Staring at the screen the words started to dance and all of a sudden I found myself suddenly not needing them. The lyrics were just flowing from me in an eruption of pure karaoke madness. I kicked the stool to the side and walked down into the crowd and started singing with the rest of the crowd in the club. Seems more people knew the lyrics than I thought as the place erupted with people chiming in from everywhere. I'm sweating like a pig but not caring. Hopping back onto the stage to finish the song the crowd quieted down as I finished it off by myself. Hands start to clap and I hear whistles. "Thanks folks, try the beef." I said as handed the mic back over to the host.

"That was actually pretty good" I'm told as I get back to the table. I'm still shaking.

Shot in the Head

FUGGO Paintball tip #12,864:

When firing outside of the window of a building make sure the enemy isn't firing out of the next window over. Point blank paintball shots to the head hurt and momentarily knock you out.
Trust me.

That's me to the right giving the thumbs up after yet another headshot.

Friday, January 06, 2006

I just don't feel like writing.

So instead I offer a picture of Stacy Kiebler.

Bourbon Porter

Wanna hang with k o w this weekend? Sure you do, who wouldn't? I know I will be. And where will I be hanging out with him? Iron Hill Brewpub in Media, PA. Tonight they release the greatest beer that has ever passed these lips, their Bourbon Porter.

Iron Hill describes it like this one their website:
"Our award winning Pig Iron Porter aged in bourbon barrels with whole vanilla beans. roasty malt flavor with a pronounced bourbon flavor and vanilla aroma served on nitrogen. This has been described as dessert in a glass."

I'll be there all weekend if you need me. I'm pulling up a cot under the tap and won't be moving until Sunday evening. This is as close to an orgasm I get without having a woman on top of me. Even wacking off isn't as much fun as this brew.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

iGod and the "Phantom Phlush"

Two quick things evildoers.

One, You can talk to "God" now and ask him all sorts of things. I asked "pickles?" because I was feeling kosher at the time. Fun times with "God", try it yourself if you have questions.

Two, I was dropping a boom boom today after lunch when the toilet flushed completely on it's own. I didn't touch it and there was no one around besides me. I either stunk out a ghost or the toilet was haunted. I think if it was haunted I just performed 2 exorcisms at one time.

Just imagine if you will...

...if olives suddenly mutated and became bloodthirsty creatures hell bent on destroying mankind. Headlines would read "Man Attacked and Pitted!" Italian markets would be closed and sealed off by the military. The lack of good Parmesan would drive the price of cheese up to levels never seen before. Soon Provolone would be worth more per pound than gold. The masses would go nuts over lasagna attacking one another. Pizza parlors would serve nothing more than tomato pies causing the price of tomatoes to rise making New Jersey the richest area in the world. People would take to their backyards to grow tomatoes hoping to cash in on the market. Presidents would declare war on Italy in order to procure more cheese. Suddenly nuclear missiles are flying, armegeddon over mutant olives. Absolute chaos.

People this is what happens when your stuck in traffic on your way into work and David Lee Roth is on your radio. You become delerious on your commute and start thinking up this kind of wacky shit.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Scenes from Kegtown

Many of you are probably saying what the hell is this shit? Well believe me your probably better off for not playing Animal Crossing.

Preview 2006

More omelets, nudity, lacrosse, and Nintendo DS.
Less pancakes, climbing batting cages, running in the rain (cough, sniff), and XBox.

More golf, self prepared caesar salad, and weekend trips.
Less rugby, mall prepared foods, and long vacations.

More fun.
Less worrying.

More beach, B&B's, wine, cheese.
Less pine forests, hotel chains, beer, pretzels.

Ok wait, beer level remains the same.

More life on the weekends.
Less work on the weekends.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Guess what today is and win nothing

First person to sucessfully guess what today's date is forever signified by wins nothing. Now get researching gumshoes.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Hail to the Redskins!

For SuburbanJoe to whom I lost a wager this weekend. With the Philadelphia Eagles losing to the Washington Redskins I have to not only take my picture holding a sign that says the Eagles suck but I have to craft a poem praising the Redskins. So without further ado...

Hail to the Redskins
Brunell, Arrington and Portis
For they came to Philadelphia today
and made the Eagles seem like a tortoise.
With their 6 takeaways
and fine defensive play
they won today's game
and made the Eagles look lame.
Now they are bound for the playoffs next week.
And if I were the Bucs I wouldn't consider them meek.
For you see thay have Gibbs roaming the line
and if we've learned anything he'll keep them just fine.
So hail to the Redskins
for they won this day.
Because the Eagles suck
that's what my sign will say.