Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Expensive Reunion

W: Whatever happened to her anyway?
K: Lori?
W: Yeah
K: Heard she moved to Florida after marrying that 40 year old religous guy.
W: No that was Chris.
K: Oh yeah, then it was definitely Anne.
W: No, she actually ended up having three kids with two different guys. Her man kicked her out of the house when the third child came out alot darker than he was.
K: Say what?
W: He obviously wasn't the daddy since the kid came out with a "natural tan."
K: That's fucked up, was it the other Lori?
W: Nope she drives a truck now. Everytime she comes through town here she calls me up for coffee. Her truck is nice.
K: You fucked her in it didn't you.
W: Nah, ever smell the inside of a truck?
K: No why?
W: Trust me when I say it's not something that will be bottled up anytime soon.
K: Well I don't know what happened to her.
W: Oh well.

Five hours later at the Crazy Horse Too!

W: Well what do you know.
K: What?
W: That stripper in the corner.
K: On the pole?
W: Yeah, upside down, it's fucking Lori.
K: That's fucked up.
W: What's fucked up is that I'm going to pay $50 for a lapdance from a girl I used to have sex with for free.
K: Me too.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Planet Earth needs more...

... 70 degree days in January.
... free range chickens
... hours in it's orbit, preferably 8.
... rainforests
... volcanoes forming islands in the pacific capable of supporting an infrastructure and pineapple farms.
... chicks in bikinis, yeah!
... people who know how to make ham and bean soup.
... bison.
... bobsled runs.
... people who lick poison dart frogs.
... Lynda Carter circa 1970-something
... ways to fight back against the human scourge and it's blasted "earth movers".
... cowbell.
... animals that are tasty.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

So I woke up Sunday morning to a magnificent blue sky outside. The sound of birds chirping with a sweet smell finding it's way into my room thanks to the bakery down the road. I staggered to the kitchen to start prepping some eggs and scrapple while knocking back a glass of cranberry juice. Just then I heard the paper boy, Ricky, hit my front door with the Sunday paper. "Perfect timing again." I thought to myself as I made my way to the front door. Sure enough bundled up perfectly with two rubber bands was my paper. I retrieved it and went back inside ready to fill my brain with the latest news and my belly with animal parts. Half way through my scrambling of said eggs I heard something I had never heard before...

"Gwack! Gwack!"

Perplexed I just ignored it but soon it came again...


It was clear it was coming from the back of the house so I cinched up my robe to make sure the old woman across from my backyard wouldn't see my manhood and preceded to walk outside to find out what was making the weird sound. As I rounded the corner to the east side of the house what I saw was something completely unexpected...

a pelican had landed in my backyard.

Go ahead and tell me pelicans land in your backyard all the time.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007