Saturday, December 30, 2006
Buying a pair of shoes is tough when your left foot is size 16 and your right is only size 11. It's tough to find a matching pair. Thankfully the left foot was pretty resistant to all forms of weather and temperature change so I just started walking around with it bare, or as bare as I could get it. Chicks dug the left foot. They'd paint the toenails on it and braid the fur. I would look down their shirts as they did both. When your 14 you'll take any boob shot you can get and that includes getting a pedicure on your mutant left foot if needed.
The high school football coach caught the story of my foot and when I entered ninth grade he asked me to kick for the football team. I would wallop the crap out of the ball setting state records that will stand the test of time.
I just drew a picture of the foot which I actually drew with my own left foot. Check it out.
Happy New Years Folks.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
knocked over any trash cans
loaded bunnies onto a rocket ship,
taken steroids to improve my home run percentage,
been traded to Denver for two first round picks and some scrubs,
zapped a lab animal with a new laser,
eaten brussel sprouts,
played World of Warcraft,
eaten at taco bell,
smacked a puppy for shitting on the rug,
eaten pizza while singing "Hey Jude",
given money to the poor,
fathered Katie Holmes child
created terrifying math problems to warp 5th graders minds with
picked up a box of cereal with a tiger on the front
punched jimmy in the belly
pinched Morgan on the heiny
downloaded any porn starring Jameson
watched one single episode of 30 Minute Meals
or called Rachel Ray a nice word
looked at Britney Spears vag shots and thought "maybe?"
So in return for me being such a good boy this year I only ask for a ticket to either the Land of Make Believe or to a plane going somewhere very far away and sunny.
k o w
Thursday, December 14, 2006
all out of hot chocolate...
Wawa is just around the corner...
(off to Wawa, will finish post when I get back)
site minimized on desktop.
Why didn't I learn to throw a baseball at an early age?
Matsuzaka is now $52 million heavier in the pockets.
Quick link to funny is right HERE
Sunday, November 26, 2006
I drove her to San Fran instead of her having to bus hop and fly around the U.S. to all of the touristy spots. I was determined for her to see what this country was all about by sharing a piece of apple pie at a truck stop in Nebraska around 4 am instead of all the bullshit I'm sure her guide would have shown her. She agreed and off we went.
Not having any clue how to get to Nebraska I headed out of town on whatever road was lined with signs that said "west" on them. I had twelve more days to make it to San Francisco to say goodbye to someone sitting next to me whom I had only met the day before. We drove through the night most of the time with her occasionally goofing up by turning into traffic as if she was back home.
Some firsts were custard, football jerseys, and John Cougar Mellencamp. That fucking radio never stopped playing his songs I swear. By the time the neon brilliance that was Shoemaker's Truck Station we had had enough of pink houses. We walked inside and got the normal looks one would expect to get if you were a yankee walking into a midwestern truck station at 4 am with a young Japanese woman by your side wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hoodie.
Two cups of tea, a slice of apple pie, an order of fries and a cheese burger were the order. It came with a 1,001 stories thanks to the cook who was entertaining the diners while flipping pancakes and burger patties. There were some crude jokes about Mexicans but nothing too offensive. She mentioned something about mayonaisse and the next thing I knew we were being delivered a dissertation on the differences of regular mayo and Miracle Whip and their effects on your grilled cheese sandwich.
We stepped outside, breathed in the diesel fumes, wiped our hands and walked towards the truck. With five days to San Francisco we hadn't seen the Grand Canyon yet and had to get a move on if we were going to.
Oh yeah, the last time I was in Japan...
wait a second here...
this was post number
Sunday, November 19, 2006
And he lived happily ever after...
Monday, November 06, 2006
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Top 10 Reasons Why Men Won't Get Married
Young men want to get married. They really do. They want a wife, children and the house with the picket fence. They just don't want it right now. Instead, men ages 25 to 33 prefer to have fun, unencumbered by commitment and responsibility.That's the word from a new study called "The State of Our Unions" that concludes that young, educated, professional men don't want to commit to marriage, reports Ladies Home Journal. They place great value in the institution of marriage, but the single life beckons. Since today's men -- unlike their fathers and grandfathers -- don't have pressure from church, employers or society to get married, they aren't
The researchers interviewed 60 heterosexual men in Chicago, parts of New Jersey, Washington, D.C. and Houston. For the most part they were employed full-time and earned between $21,000 to $35,000 annually. Most had either attended some college or graduated. None of them were married, although three of the men were fathers.The top 10 reasons young men don't want to get married now:
1. They can have casual sex without marriage, something that is far more common today and accepted than in generations past.
2. By living with a girlfriend, they can enjoy all the benefits of a wife without having to say, "I do." This is a no-risk way to test the idea of marriage.
3. Men want to avoid the financial risks of divorce. What better way to do that than to not get married in the first place?
4. Since they don't have to worry about their biological clocks, men say they want to wait until they are older to have children. They really do not want to be pressured into marriage by a woman whose primary goal is to have kids.
5. Their greatest fear is that marriage will require too many changes, compromises and responsibilities. After all, it's a lot more fun to play poker with the boys all night long.
6. Men are romantics at heart. They believe in a soul mate, and they're willing to wait for her. What is a soul mate? Men define her as someone who accepts them just the way they are and does not want to change them. These men don't want to settle for second-best.
7. There are very few social pressures to marry. While their dads were pressured by religion, employers or society to settle down and say "I do," men today are free from that.
8. Men are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children, primarily to avoid competition and conflict with the children's biological father.
9. They want to become a homeowner before they become a husband. Being established financially is an important goal many men want to achieve before they marry.
10. Men want to enjoy the single life as long as possible, especially as they become accustomed to having their own space and routines and not being responsible to anyone else.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
The film is actually very good and comes highly recommended. It'll have you talking with other movie goers at the end trying to... well let's just leave it there. Paul Giamatti is in it. So there;s no fucking merlot anywhere to be seen.
I challenge you the reader to find a more beautifully shot film.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
The weeks leading up to Halloween are a personal favorite. You can do all sorts of wacky shit and generally find a group already doing it. An article in the paper was giving readers the "heads up" on the not well known activities that go on around here. Apple orchards, Japanese gardens, and pumpkin patches galore. But what caught my eye was the midnight tour by candlelight of one of the oldest cemetaries in the new world. Having grown up with a cemetary literally right around the corner I am not afraid to walk into a graveyard after sun down. But this one was different. This was a tour where the organizers had people walking around the cemetary in costume dressed as some of the more famous residents of the land beneath our feet. To catch the silhouette of a man in a top hat in the dark from about 40 feet away will make you take a pull from the flask too.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Try it and see where you land. In some cases you'll land in a great new world with lots to say. In other cases you'll land somewhere where they speak a different language than you. But more often than not your going to end up somewhere you do not want to be at all.
It's a scary world out there, better bring a towel with you.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
... if you discovered that toothpaste tastes great on steak.
... if that old guy around the corner shoots at the old ladies on the block with a BB gun to get their attention.
... if you realized that all this time what you thought was green was more of a deep purple?
... if you did drink that last magarita over Jerry's house.
... if you had to do it all over again except this time stick your dick in the mashed potatoes?
... if hot dogs suddenly leaped to your rescue against the army of the hamburger squadron?
... if you opened a jar of pickles and got sucked into it.
... if the neighbors dog dug up your backyard and found the bodies you had buried there?
... if you could fly to the moon in an energy bubble powered by you whistling Talking Heads tunes.
... if you were cursed to laugh uncontrollably at others misfortune?
... if you went to Hershey Park and developed a peanut allergy?
... if you kept reading to this point and said this fucker is nuts.
... if you could swing through the trees like an orangatan?
... if you had to pick up all the dirt by hand on your carpet right now.
... if you just walked into the local bakery and started throwing pies at everyone and then paid for them all with pennies?
... if you decided that enough time had passed since you last ate lima bean yogurt?
... if you had reached this point and are shaking your head.
... if you couldn't stop reading this shit.
... if you knew k o w was just fucking with you now.
... if he said there would be a prize if you read 5 more.
... if you counted this as number one.
... if you counted this one as number two.
... number three.
... if you knew you were going to be hornswaggled today?
Sunday, October 01, 2006
4 clips fired out of one MP5.
100 .38 caliber out of friends gun, don't know make or model.
2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
1 cup of milk.
6 pizzas ordered for beginning of bachelor party.
3 cases of beer.
3 cases of soda.
6 fights on UFC pay per view.
2 buddies swearing they could have turned pro in baseball at dinner.
52 cards per table.
6 guys each.
one poker tournament.
2 discussions with friends about "koi" fishing in the neighbors pond.
32 koi counted while fishing with french fries.
4 wheels on truck.
2 passengers with me driving.
$25 cover charge for strip club.
$15 given back to me in ones following me handing over $40 to get in.
3 beers drank.
1 ex-girlfriend from 8th fucking grade now a "dancer".
1 ex-coworker now a "dancer" at same club as above.
"$0" quoted to me for a lapdance by said ex-girlfriend from 8th fucking grade.
5 times I said "no thanks".
6 times I had to say to myself that 8th grade was...
15 years ago.
15 ones stil in my pocket after leaving.
one great fucking bachelor party.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
You do not want to see the video... you wouldn't be able to sleep at night.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Go ahead and say it. There are no fingers in the gloves right? Therefore I must be behind the camera in the pic taking the photo. You could be right about that actually.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Anyway back to the story my time in the country was wonderful. I remember one day the mother of the family I was staying with asked me in Spanish "Es usted a casa enfermo?", which in English is "Are you home sick?" I told her I wasn't and she nodded ok and went about her way. I went out that day and ventured through the country side running into some guerillas and the such. Upon my return that night Anna, the mother, had gone out to the local store and bought a Coca Cola and some cheese and made me a grilled cheese sandwich. It was one of the most thoughtful things ever done for me.
I haven't spoken or traded any mail with them since 1998.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
I always wonder just what in the fuck dreams like this actually mean if they do indeed mean anything.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Sunday, September 10, 2006
1. Wear a red shirt and tie.
2. Start the night of drinking off with a Jack and water.
3. Never finish said Jack and water.
4. Retell the story of New Years Eve 1996 to someone's date.
5. Realize that was over 10 years ago and order another beer.
6. Somehow leading the group in singing that Neil Diamond song that no one knows the name of but everyone knows the words to.
7. Get a second serving of pudding.
8. Break up a fight in the men's room between ex-boyfriends and current boyfriends.
Yup 3 for 3 this year.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
I've had two myself.
First one was terrible in bed.
She was almost a recluse when I first met her. She came up to me at a hockey game I was playing in and told me I looked like Pavel Bure. After that we dated and she and I eventually well... see the title. I was a scumbag back then and actually dumped her about 3 months after deflowering her. Something she still mentions to her friends today.
The second virgin worked out much better actually. More later.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
It's come to the attention of my bladder that a large banana and strawberry smoothie isn't a great idea before walking into a 2 hour lecture on the digestive system. I was dancing up a storm in that lecture hall aisle and didn't move as not to disrupt the rest of the class, all 250 of them.
Paul Shaffer from the David Letterman show looks weirder each time I watch the show. I don't watch that much but here I am now thinking "He looks like an ugly piano playing troll."
Yeah so I took a golf class here in my return to full time status. I need a breather between the 6 other classes I have and where else can I go and smash something for an hour 3 days a week in the middle of the day?
I need new underwear. There's a cold front coming in or something and "Bunny" just nearly popped out of her shirt while reaching for a cloud.
Oh HBO is playing reruns of that show "Cathouse" which follows the goings on in a brothel in Reno, NV. All these girls are saying they're the smart ones because they get paid to do something they love. Well I guess if fucking fat, hairy slobs with receding hairlines is your kind of kink then it is the ideal job for you.
I'd be a whore if I could.
NO way! CBS slimmed down Katie Couric in promo pics? This just in America, there isn't a photo put out by a media outlet today that has been touched up. She's not a weather bunny so I guess it needed to be done.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
The locals all walk along now plugged into small units with white wires running into the ears as if listening to something. I'd have at the wires with my machete but I fear it wouldn't do much good as there are so many of them wired up in this fashion now that I wouldn't be able to escape the horde that would fall upon me.
I have been eating alot of the local fruits. They are easily accessible thanks to merchants who set up their wares on each corner I round. It is good and thus far I have been able to manage without any ill effects.
My chopper out of here won't be back for awhile. I either have to try and fit in with this new society or I'll be trampled.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
It's only when I look down that I feel a little less secure than I was just moments before.
Today is the last day of the last four and a half years.
The peers are all in agreement.
Now is the time and place.
And I am in complete agreement.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Scrapple is typically made of hog offal, such as the head, eyes, heart, liver, bladder, and other scraps, which are boiled with any bones attached (often the entire head), to make a broth. Once cooked, bones and fat are discarded, the meat is reserved, and (dry) cornmeal is boiled in the broth to make a mush. The meat, finely minced, is returned, and seasonings, typically sage, thyme, savory, and others, are added. The mush is cast into loaves, and allowed to cool thoroughly until gelled.
Now I know your basically saying "Fuck you k o w if you think I'm going to eat that shit." and I'd be in agreement with ya if I had never been exposed to it before. Yes basically it's everything not used on the pig chopped up, boiled, and then mixed with cornmeal and gelled together into a small gray brick. Not appetizing for sure but the flavor of the stuff is second to none.
I prepare mine much in the way everyone else does. I slice the loaf into quarter inch patties and fry it up. Put it on the plate with some scrambled eggs and top the whole lot with ketchup.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Then a possum sniffed at my toe. I freaked. It hissed. And we both ran the opposite way from one another screaming like schoolgirls.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Hey if you do a podcast, listen to a podcast, use a podcast as bait, fry podcasts on the stove, fold podcasts as soon as they come out of the dryer, drive podcasts to ballet, or covet your neighbors podcast leave a comment here pointing me to it.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
T: Fun, sorry you missed it.
Get into any trouble?
Don't I always? "A" brought a friend who brought a friend.
Ready made blind date, can't beat that.
Yeah see I didn't get home until 6 am.
You didn't fuck him did you?
Yeah I did, I think it was because he drove a brand new Corvette.
So you fucked him because he drove a Vette'?
I think so, is that bad?
Nah, cars are an essential part of pulling ass. That night it did it's job.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Four things about me you may not have known:
A) Four jobs I have had in my life: HVAC Installer, Professional Wrestler, Cherry Picker, and Investigator
B) Four movies I could watch over and over: Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, Braveheart, Pulp Fiction
C) Four places I have lived:Philadelphia, Frankford, Rambler Park, and Wildwood, NJ
D) Four TV shows I love to watch: This Old House, nip/tuck, CBS Sunday Morning, and Deadwood
E) Four places I've been on vacation: Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Disney World, Brazil!
F) Four of my favorite websites: Comcast (email), BBC, CBS Sportsline, and Gorillamask.
G) Four of my favorite foods: Banana, Beer, Spaghetti and Sausage, Anything cooked over an open flame on a grill with charcoal.
H) Four friends I will tag: I can't pick just four so I'm tagging everyone right on the ass who stops by here regularly.
Right now I would rather be: Traveling the globe seeking adventure.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Monday, August 07, 2006
Some guys use flags or simple material to cover theirs.
But not me, not after this weekend.
You see my clubs are now protected by the greatest dog off all time.
Toby, the half poodle, half sheepdog.
Don't you think he'll look great on top of this? I do.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
k o w: Say what?
R: I had 8 inches of mail this morning. On my desk.
k o w: 8 inches of male on your desk this morning huh, how was it.
R: Tough, it was heavy too.
k o w: What? It couldn't have been more than a pound or two.
R: About that I guess, I didn't weigh it.
k o w: How long did it take before you got the male done?
R: Only about half an hour.
k o w: Quite the stud then was he?
k o w: The male on your desk this morning, all 8 inches of him.
R: Huh? Oh your so fucking dirty sometimes.
k o w: Wait you came to me just now and said you had 8 inches of mail/male on your desk. What did you expect?
R: I'm taking you to McDonald's for lunch now. It's your punishment.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Just say "Rubber Balls and Liquor" after each of the following statements.
1. What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
2. What did you eat for lunch today?
3. What did you have for dinner yesterday?
4. What did you do to Sister Rita last night?
Yeah it's lame but that joke was a hit in Sister Rita's room when I was seven.
Suzy: Oh hi!
Hey I need a file pulled.
Oh I thought this might be a social call.
Well work can be social.
With you leaving and all I thought you'd might want to get a drink sometime.
But I just needed a file pulled.
Let me get that for you right away.
And we have to have lunch or dinner before you leave.
It's amazing what turning in your resignation turns up. I have no less than 12 lunch or dinner invitations for the next 3 weeks. If you want free meals and drinks quit your job today!
Monday, July 31, 2006
Others it's a blueberry muffin lathered in butter.
Some may name their dog "Breakfast".
While some will skip it all together waiting until lunch for a bite.
But today I called the following breakfast and it may have been the best meal I ever had.
Ok, since blogger is refusing to display it picture this. A plate with three pancakes on it. But these aren't your ordinary pancakes these are different. They have Gummy Bears in them. It's a diabetic's nightmare but who can resist?
Thursday, July 27, 2006
- Stephen Graham
Thanks to Velocity Engine for showing me this quote 3 years ago. I really should have read it more at the time because I would have tendered my resignation back then and have my degree by now. But instead I tendered it last Friday. It goes into effect 8/18/06. Making August 19th the first day I get to expand into my story.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Five things in my wallet:
Lock of hair from my first and only dog.
My gf's phone number from the night she gave it to me.
Sam's Club Card
Five things in my refrigerator:
Iron Hill Russian Imperial Stout (750 ml)
Homemade Pico de Gallo
Arm and Hammer Baking Soda
Mandarin oranges and whole cranberries mixed together in a container.
Five things in my closet:
An ongoing school science fair project from 1985 involving the decomposition of assorted materials in a controlled liquid enviroment. Hi I'm a nerd.
My Pet Monster ------------->
My Tippman A-5
A 3' warhammer made out of cedar.
Five things in my car:
Fishing rod and vest
Wiffle ball and bat
Sirius Satellite Radio
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Well this morning I walked out to find an 02' Volkswagon Beetle in my backyard on it's side.
I guess those bags really do work well.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
First rule of Teddy Bear orgy... Wine bought for less than $15 will fuck you up!
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
We never did.
I left Wildwood the next day like I did each of the previous 5 years there. Wondering if I would ever get back to that point on the bay at the southern tip of the island the next year. I never did, but I think it's high time I did and I know just with who too.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Maybe Reno and a whore.
Maybe Hawaii and a pineapple.
Maybe I'll finally take that long fucking flight to the land where the toilets flush backwards.
They have wallaby's there.
More than likely though I'll end up sitting on it and then wonder why in 20 years why I did that.
I'm really tired of sitting.
9 1/2 Weeks, or Evil Dead. People would come in buy a bag of popcorn (which we'd pop for them), a couple of sodas and then just sit or stand around watching a movie with me and whoever else were working that night. I'd pause a film and yell at the screen. Customers would join in as well and it became a weekly in store tradition, "Movie Night with Randal." I was not PC. I told people exactly what I thought of whatever they brought up to me to rent. If I didn't like it I told them the movie "sucked more than Traci Lords" and they would laugh and then go get another movie.
I was eventually scheduled to work Sunday mornings as well so I would open the store and do what I did on the weeknights, play lousy, stinky, soft core porn, or horror movies. The same people started showing up to rent and this time they'd bring me coffee and danish for breakfast. We'd sit there and I would put in some random kids cartoon show and we'd all sit there and bust on it. I never had so much fun at the workplace.
When my last day working there came I sat on the counter and greeted people as they came in. Some brought cards, some brought porn on VHS for me to take with me. As the clock turned 10 pm I had a group of 8-10 people anxiously awaiting what movie would be the final film I would watch with them at Blockbuster. It was a no brainer for me and after I got permission from my store manger to play it without being censored I put into the VCR....
Monday, July 17, 2006
Friday, July 14, 2006
That was the most fun in the meat section I've ever had.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
The Wall: Ummm... yes it is.
Just because it sounds like a Beatles song doesn't mean it was written and performed by them.
It's a Beatles song, trust me.
No it's Mott the Hoople.
Mott the Hoople, you never heard of them.
No because you just made that name up.
Negative, they used to perform with Bowie I believe.
Well I don't believe you. I know the young dudes song is a Beatles song. I have the CD with it on there.
Oh really which one is that.
Joe burned me a disc of all Beatles songs and it's on there.
Well he's wrong too then.
I hate when you get like this.
What? When I'm right and your wrong?
Mott the Hoople is not the name of a band. Maybe something from Seuss?
No it's a band and they performed "All the Young Dudes", not the Beatles.
Well I think your full of shit.
Ladies and gentlemen I present to you a common discussion with the Wall.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Women in Pink, Men in Blue
P: I think it's bullshit.
M: What? Stuffing a bra?
P: Yup, it's false advertisement.
S: I did it and it worked.
J: Of course it did, we wanted boobs. But why get pissed at us when we look surprised when seeing the real deal.
M: Like you give a shit at that point.
P: We do. To trot out a shirt showcasing ample boobage and then to have them either drop out of site or be next to non existant is a bait and switch operation.
S: What about toupees?
J: Cowards, detractors from the cause.
M: So you agree on that then?
P: Sure why wouldn't I? If a guy is going bald I'm with Carlin saying let nature run it's course.
S: But the same doesn't apply to our tits?
P: No because you have girls tissue stuffing at 13.
J: Yeah you don't see guys going bald or trying to hide it in middle school.
M: What about push up bras?
P: They serve their purpose.
P: Well they hold up the jugs getting you the wearer the looks you still desire. You have to have boobs to wear them so no false advertisement there and by the time we have you in the sack your on your back where droopage no longer matters.
J: Yup, fried eggs.
P: Fried egg titties, when women lay down on their back their boobs go to the side making their boobs look like fried eggs.
S: Where do you come up with this shit?
M: Don't ask, it's everyday.
S: I'm so sorry.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
I sent 5 balls to a watery grave yesterday. One was knocked in by a duck. It sat on the bank of the pond in what appeared to be a pretty good lie but as I approached the mallard herd decided to waddle their tail feathers towards my ball. The faster I walked to try and rustle them away from it proved fruitless as one fowl decided he'd play World Cup with it and thus launched it into the shallows.
Hah! Satan is at work again. He's not allowing me to upload the pictures I have of my said ball in it's aquatic tomb. Which actually might be a blessing in disguise as I would be cited by PETA. For some reason there is a plethora of duck feathers floating through the air in the picture. Couldn't be from someone kicking a duck could it?
(author's note, no ducks were harmed in this round of golf.)
Sunday, July 09, 2006
I don't go in there that much.
I guess it's official.
I'm now a regular.
Hey you know what happens when you reach that status?
Your included everytime someone buys a round.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Then I'm going to spray paint it purple and green. Then I'll wrap it in velvet of some color and entitle it "Porn Morphed".
Because all of my good porn is still on VHS.
Surrounded by Amazon's in bikinis covered in baby oil and chocolate isn't as fun as it may sound. Especially since I had just spent 5 minutes down below making women of their leaders. They started to dance around me in some form of ritual. I noticed behind them a bunch of my crewmates were being thrown overboard. Then all of a sudden I heard a whir coming from behind me. As I turned the Amazons formed defensive positions. In the distance I could see approaching one of the most dreaded sites on the high seas. Robotic sea turtles fitted with helicopter rotors and machine guns. If I had a nickle for each time I evaded these things I'd have 15 cents right now. The Amazons were all set for the attack so I slipped away and made my way to the rear of the ship where we had stowed away the jet ski's I had won on the Price is Right.
As the turtles approached explosions began all around the Amazons. It was time for me to get out of there so I hopped on one of the jet ski's and took off for safety on the high seas. As I looked back the Amazons and robotic sea turtles were locked in mortal combat, then an explosion occured blowing the entire ship to smithereens. All that chocolate wasted.
So if your in the area I could use a pick up. I'm on the jet ski in the middle of the Carribean with the PC built into it.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
The guy certainly looked like he enjoyed his salad. He was a big boy making the saying the size of a billboard message along the highway. I wonder if he sits there at dinner saying "I don't love hoes but I love my salad!" Hoes are used in the cultivation of salad makings and thus this guy is a hypocrite.
Personally I love hoes. I work with mine each day working it back and forth slowly. I always wear protection when I'm with my hoe. First a hoe may give you splinters and they hurt and may require medication if it gets infected. Second you don't know who may have been working with your hoe before you so you should always wear gloves. Let's say your neighbor has been lusting after your hoe and while you were out they came over and used your hoe without you knowing. You'd be pretty pissed I bet, I know I would be. Also in my experience a dirty hoe is a good hoe. There's some stories a dirty hoe could tell if anyone would listen.
So in conclusion "I love those hoes."
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
The wedding day comes and the reception was great. As the newlyweds stand in the honeymoon suite the bride takes off her dress and asks her new husband "What do you think?" "I think they're great" he states and now it's his turn. He unzippers his pants and drops his drawers. She immediately faints and he catches her in his arms. An hour later she wakes up. "You said you were hung like a baby!" "I am my love, I'm 20 inches long and it weighs about 7 pounds."
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Than a year ago a corporate entity bought the clinic you have helped run for years. The new administration calls a meeting and demands the doctors to start prescribing only certain types of medications. "In the interest of keeping our clinic open." your told as a major pharmaceutical company is part of the ownership group now in control of the clinic. Your treatments are reviewed on a weekly basis by an accountant in another state. Your issued a report per month listing the total costs of the treatments and medications you prescribed to your patients. Your also given a list of alternative treatments and medications offered for you to start using. You know these alternatives are no where near as effective as the one's your used to prescribing but times are changing and costs matter more now than ever before.
Then earlier this week you were called in for a meeting. Everyone in the room wore a suit and had a briefcase while you showed up in scrubs, a white lab coat and a stethoscope. Your informed by the people in suits with the briefcases that your contract with the clinic you helped establish will not be renewed. Your to clean out your office by the Friday of the next week. When you ask why your told you didn't follow the set procedure for patient care. You argue you were doing what was in the best interest of the patient but your words fall on deaf ears.
Your now a doctor of 25 years out of a job. This isn't a dream, this is reality.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Too much hazelnut coffee makes kow stay up at night writing on his site about drinking too much hazelnut coffee.
Too much hazelnut coffee makes kow stay up at night writing on his site about drinking too much hazelnut coffee.
Too much hazelnut coffee makes kow stay up at night writing on his site about drinking too much hazelnut coffee.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
And wouldn't you know I didn't catch the name of the bird.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Turn off this PC, your email isn't that important.
Reading Fuggo is only fun in the office.
So just click the start button and begin the process of shut down.
Then stand up and stretch.
Feels good doesn't it?
That's your muscles yearning for activity.
Push our chair into your desk and go put on a pair of sneakers.
Go outside and instead of hopping in your car instead continue walking past it.
You'll soon notice somethings you haven't noticed in awhile.
Like the smell of freshly cut grass.
It's summertime and now your going to enjoy it.
Instead of being inside.
I don't internet in the summertime and neither should you.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
So I handed back the phone and instead got the cheapest little phone I could find. It makes phone calls, wakes me up when I set the alarm and best of all it has the same bowling game that my old phone had. Yup in the end it was the stupid bowling game that made my decision on a new phone purchase. I'm too easy.
Monday, June 19, 2006
You know what I just realized Goodbody couldn't have been his real name. That's just what Ms. Cherrill called him! He probably had a regular last name but since Ms. Cherrill liked "working" with him so much she dubbed him a new last name.
You see this is the kind of shit I remember clear out of the blue somedays.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Beer Fest!Home made Burritos!
Bar girls return from before while I watch the World Cup.
Someone decides to take my camera and stick it up my shorts!
And to top it off get spit on by this camel at the zoo.
And it's only Thursday! Check out Osbasso for more info on this HNT deal.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Monday, June 12, 2006
So what did you do?
Yeah turkey basters were the shit.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Today I'm welcoming in one of the most gorgeous women I have yet to have dinner with. She has kindly wriiten a small post that I found to be great for a discussion.
Le chat qui a peur
What is it that makes freedom so intoxicating? You walk away, let go and all of a sudden you're dizzy with pleasure. Accountability becomes a thing of the past – something for "everyone else" to worry about. You are responsible for you and only you and you suddenly find yourself giggling over the idea. Not in a girlish *teeheehee* sort of way, but a near delirium, barely able to contain yourself *heempf*. If anyone were to look at you at that moment of enlightenment, when you realize you are truly free, they might think you've gone completely mad – or at least, very well on your way.
So what is it for you? What is it that makes you smile and go *heempf*??
By the way that is me dressed up in drag on my last trip to Berlin to attend a rally. For all of you out there wanting to know just how handsome a woman I'd make here you go.
Tommorow is the 2 year anniverary of the start of this site. I won't be writing tommorow's post. Instead after two years I've decided to share this space with someone else. Wanna find out who's making the first ever guest appearance as a writer? Click a link to this site and find out.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Two hours later me and my team were on the ice warming up when Satan and his gang walked in. "Your toast (k o w)!" he said to me and I just laughed it off. They laced up their skates and began to learn how to ice skate as we watched while laughing our asses off. "Having a problem?" I said to Satan as he held the wall while trying to get his feet under himself. "We'll still beat you and your buddies in ice hockey and then claim your souls for all of eternity!" he quipped back. "What do we get if we beat you Satan?" I asked. "" I will grant you all one wish each". It was agreed and the game was on.
From the start we just bashed the living shit out of him and his team. They couldn't skate worth a lick as there is no ice in Hell for them to practice on. By the end of the first period we had outscored them 5-0. Satan came gliding over to me and said "Listen maybe we can re-work this deal." I said no way and we continued on into the second. A fight broke out when my buddy crosschecked a hellion in the tail. The hellion couldn't swing a punch while standing in skates so our guy just punished him/it with crushing right hands. At the end of period 2 the score was now 8-0.
Satan again comes up to me to discuss the deal but I ignored him. At the faceoff to begin the third period he was punched in the face by my teammate which just started a bench clearing brawl between the teams. Horns, fists, hooves and skates all clashed in a battle on the ice. Me and my fellow mortals held our own before the fight was broken up by the refs. This was no longer a just for fun game with a little side bet. We skated harder than ever lighting up thier goalie with a flurry of shots. At the end of the game the final score was 15-0 in favor of us mortals. We had beaten Satan and his gang in ice hockey therefore getting us one wish.
What was that wish? Well we all wished to own a Taco Bell and have Satan and his staff work as it's night crew. So now when you visit the Taco Bell on Main St. and the guy frying your burrito has a tail you know why. That's Satan and he makes a mean gordito too.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
That statement really made me think alot about the current state of this country's youth. Maybe it really isn't the kids who are flunking the class but the parents flunking the kid?
(and thanks to everyone who commented on the test, the test failed. An enhanced Musical Monday entry later on. If we can get it to work.)
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Thursday, June 01, 2006
The HNT concept was developed by Osbasso. Visit his site to figure it all out.