Friday, December 30, 2005
Andy Clapperton and John Smith are two guys I have never met before in my life but would buy a pint for in an instant. They were both teaching English in Beijing when they decided to not take the easy way home. Instead of catching a flight or hopping on a boat they decided to let their sense of adventure lead them to make the journey home to the UK on bikes. As an avid lover of all things with pedals I can only wish I had the gumption to suck it up and take off like these two. I'm jealous frankly and when you visit the site put together for their journey you'll see why. I would probably do just about anything to have the opportunity to do something like this and I find these 2 people some of the most inspiring humans I've yet to meet.
They are raising money for Diabetes UK. We all know someone who is diabetic so we can all relate in some way to this cause. I urge you all to donate whatever you can. The lads goal is to raise 10,000 pounds (sorry don't have anything other than $$$ on this keyboard) and I'm sure they can make it happen so long as we get the word out. So send this message around to your friends and family and share with them this wonderful journey.
I have to thank Jon's brother for turning me onto this. You've been able to reach him and his blog since FUGGO started as he was a prime inspiration for me to start this monster. We may not agree on the way penguin is prepared but I like him anyway.
This will probably be the last post of 2005 here. Let's go out with a bang together and raise some money for a fine cause. Here's wishing you all the safest and happiest New Year.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Now your probably saying "k o w your full of shit! You never appeared in porn as an actor!" You may be right. May be I am full of shit, or maybe I actually did and that is why I know my ass looks fucking awesome in this pic. Yes I know I know it's the 3rd time I've submitted this photo for the HNT but it's the most requested one in emails to me and frankly I've no time right now to take another photo as I'm late for a shoot with a woman named Harletta.
Let's face it people that's the finest piece of ass ever seen on film. Now go google my porn name and see what you find. First one able to trace it to another photo out there wins something.
Everytime I visit the zoo I always end it with the bearded pigs. The poor beasts are a little off the beaten path in the zoo and the way the crowds flow through the park very little traffic comes their way. But I like them. They're ugly and have a little stench to them but that's more the mud wallow than the beast. One of the smarter animals in the zoo they are generally pretty socialable and active except in the middle of the day in the summers. Often times you can just walk right up to their enclosure and not have to worry about other guests ruining your view of them. It's usually pretty quiet The pigs will look at you wondering why your there and not looking at some of the other more compelling animals the zoo has on display. I can't blame them for thinking that. I just wish they had a tree to catch some shade under. If only they were a big cat.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
If anyone wants to play shoot me an email and I will send you my super, uber secret screenname for that site. If you beat me I may send you a T-Shirt.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Before I head back to the mall (I'm always last minute) I just want to point you all to what I do every Christmas Eve.
My earliest Christmas memories are of me staying up late at night watching channel 12 here in Philadelphia watching "A Christmas Carol" hoping it would keep me up late enough to hear Santa on the roof. I honestly haven't missed a midnight showing of it in over 20 years. Originally I liked watching it because Jacob Marley's ghost scares the shit out of me in it. But now I watch it while I'm finishing up wrapping my gifts.
Back to the mall, maybe I'll stop in a store and pick up a copy of the film on DVD just in case there's a future Christmas where I'm not able to view channel 12.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Since the age of 2 my spot under the christmas tree has been guarded by Cookie Monster. I was given the ornament by Santa that year and since then he's been on sentry duty watching over them with big googly eyes.
My personal tradition is to not put him up on the tree until Christmas Eve. Right around 8pm that night I will unwrap him from last year's tissue paper and place him on the lowest hanging branch that is strong enough to hold him. While I'm doing it I'll probably do my famous Cookie Monster impression while drinking a glass of milk. It's tradition.
Every year since I get something with Cookie Monster on it. Slippers, pajamas, boxers you name it I've gotten it. This muppet rocks chomping away at everything that gets in his path. I love him. As I've gotten older I've grown to appreciate the innocence the blue furball posseses. I strive each year to retain that innocence myself and find each year it's getting harder and harder.
Anyone else have a personal tradition?
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Young man: Excuse me how do you bake cookies?
Old woman: Are you making them with that? (points to sack of flour and 5 bags of chocolate chips in shopping cart)
Yes I am.
Your new at this.
Listen sweetie why don't you just buy these ready made cookies.
That looks easy.
And it's cheaper.
Merry Christmas to you too and thank you.
So here we are 3 beers into it and I'm prepping to bake cookies for the first time for Christmas.On the left we have Dieu du Ciel Peche Morte, on the right Troeg's Mad Elf Holiday Ale. Together these beers are working very well on my system. Another reason why I went with Ready to Bake cookies. I'm pretty well lubed in the head right now. Perfect for baking!Aren't they cute! I almost don't want to bake them and just eat them raw. But that would just be keeping them from their destiny. Bring on the trays.
All set. The tray on the right I made the cookies into a christmas tree and I wasn't even trying. I'm good at this baking shit. Into the oven at 350 degrees for 10 minutes. That gives me enough time to chug a beer, clean up, and get set for tonights nip/tuck season finale.
10 minutes later and their perfect. Lightly browned on the outside and mushy on the inside. And damn do they smell good. So there you have it. My first christmas cookies. This post is kind of lame yes but I'm drinking and I'm already into the 2nd hour of tonight's nip/tuck. The cookies are nearly gone already and I'm almost out of milk.
Read this description:
Santa (Goldberg) is actually Satan, who 1,000 years ago lost a curling match to an angel. For a millennia, Satan/Santa had to be a good, giving and jolly fellow. But now the bet, and Santa’s good cheer are over as the ruler of hell has a naughty list and he aims to fill it. It will suddenly dawn on police what the once beloved Santa’s modus operandi is when the map in their mock station is filled with dozens of coloured tacks indicating crime scenes. As the bodies pile up, they realize the pins on the map are taking on the shape of a Christmas tree, giving authorities a clue as to where the naughty elf will strike next.
Bill Murray kicks ass in whatever film he is in and this one is no different. It's a modern Christmas classic and a film I watch every year as tradition. I had no clue it actually received an Oscar nomination in 88' until I looked it up on IMDB today. Carol Kane is perfect as the Ghost of Winter Present. Honestly if you haven't seen this movie you should run out to your local video store and pick it up. I love it, freaking love it.
Real quick... look at Bill Murray in that pic to the right here. He looks high doesn't he. You just don't get that much expression in a face unless A.) it's an orgasm or B.) you've been celebrating Christmas with some snow on your mirrored coffee table.
I'll be putting the disc into the laptop tonight to play in the kitchen as I attempt to bake for the first time ever Christmas cookies. I promise you an entertaining post to accompany tonights debacle in baking. But shit it's Christmas time so let's make buffoons of ourselves while dressed in green and red sweaters and fuzzy hats.
Monday, December 19, 2005
This card didn't bring the hard cheese until the end running two $20 signs out there to finish it off. The $40's were nice to see but lets face it nobody ever wins $40 on these things. There is no middle ground here.
Merry Christmas... Next up I'm baking cookies. There's a first time for everything.
I'm going to be putting up so much Christmas caca this week your heads are going to feel like you just chugged back a carton of eggnog. I've got easily 15 posts ready to be published for your viewing and reading pleasure. So hang around, grab some cookies and milk, put your feet up and settle in because Fuggo just became the epicenter of your internet Christmas experience.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
The weather report that day called for snow changing to periods of freezing rain towards mid-day with a high of 34. The wind chill was a "brisk" 17 degrees F, perfect short weather for me. I was in the middle of a bet that winter. I had to wear shorts everyday for a year. I didn't mind the cold so long as I was bundled up on top so I dressed for the weather accordingly. With that I set out from my home in Frankford and caught the "El" into Center City around 4 a.m.
As I exited the train in Center City I could already spot the lines forming down 5th street. Howard Stern was big in Philly and close to 15,000 fans turned out for a chance to meet him. I walked down to the line and was told the end was somewhere near 9th street. So I hightailed it and finally found the end of the line at 8th and Sansom, a good 11 blocks away from where the signing was.
It was cold, snow had landed to the depth of about an inch on the ground and my boots were holding up so far. Exposed from my ankle to just above my knee the wind wrapped it's way around my legs freezing them. "I'm an idiot" I thought as I stood there shivering my ass off for nothing more than a friggin' signature. T-shirt vendors walked the line and I bought 3 of them to use as scarfs. When the snow turned to a light rain the situation got even more lousy. Without an umbrella the rain began to permeate my clothing while ice began to form on the hairs on my legs. I looked down at one point an noticed my knees were bright red, not a good sign.
As the hours passed many people began to walk off the line. The weather had become too much for them to bear. But I stayed. Hell I had already waited 7 hours in this weather and was only a block away from meeting Howard. "Hey if the kid in the shorts is staying I'm staying!" yelled a guy behind me in line. Everyone cheered. It was great that I had become a symbol of sorts even though inside I was rethinking the idea of remaining in line every 5 minutes. It was cold.
I finally got into the store and was able to warm up some. My knees now a deep purple it had looked like someone had broken hockey sticks over them repeatedly. I walked in with my book and placed it down in front of Howard who noticed I was wearing shorts. He shook his head, thanked me for coming out and called me an idiot for wearing shorts in this weather. I thanked him, grabbed my book and walked away.
8 hours in the snow and freezing rain for 35 seconds with and an autograph by a guy I listened to everyday in the morning for 4 hours. It was completely worth it.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Friday, December 09, 2005
Those elves don't get nearly enough credit. Look at the way they put together the 8" Lapco "Bigshot" barrel for paintball guns. The elves polish the insides of those barrels so well that you hardly see a paintball break in it.
Santa has to really treat these elves well if they can craft the nice clothes seen on the racks at such stores as Banana Republic, Express, Abercrombie & Fitch, and of course J Crew.
So this holiday season let's remember all the elves who put together these fine items for us.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
...hunting for the mouse in my house.
...donating food to the needy.
...sitting in a parking lot to watch Christmas shows on the side of a tractor trailer.
...drinking to simply stay warm.
...buying a thermos instead to keep chicken soup in.
Because today I'm thinking scotch and driving never mixes well, especially on frozen roads.
It's that time of year to start enjoying the season for me. I've been a Grinch so far but now I'm feeling it.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I'm going to design and build furniture that can be easily moved and setup in apartments. We all know what a hassle it is moving a couch into a space it doesn't fit. Why not design a couch that splits in the middle for ease of transport and set up. It would only be a matter of 4 bolts to fasten it to the other piece to make it whole again. Put a single cushion on top and voila! Make available to the public different pieces which can all be fitted together like Lego pieces to create exactly what their apartment needs are.
And this furniture will be strong. It's gotta be able to handle the rigors being fucked upon alot. It also has to be able to survive nieces and nephews using it as a trampoline when your sibling drops them off for 3 hours. How do we accomplish this and not wake the neighbors with the sound of a sofa being used as a love pad? Rubber Washers. Rubber washers will be used on all spots where bolts will be used for assembly.
It could work. Steal my idea and I will sue. Preliminary design starts this week, with no classes until mid January I can have a prototype together in 4 weeks.
There we go, a winter project. I'm building a sofa. This all poured out of my head in a matter of 4 minutes.
2.) And another bottle of Green Goodness.
3.) Pick up Animal Crossing tonight and trade furniture with Pez.
4.) Pick up bonus pay from Saturday night's show for "a job well done."
5.) NEVER WEAR ITALIAN LEATHER SHOES WITH NO TREAD ON THEM TO YOUR CAR IN 3 INCHES OF SNOW.
My shoes are ruined. Walking out this morning I forgot that snow had fallen overnight and proceeded to lose my footing nearly falling into my neighbors inflatable Homer Simpson. I continue on slipping and sliding until I get to my ride. Then it happens, PLOP! My left foot goes into a puddle of slush that runs into my shoe. "You dumb motherfu...r" I yell.
Now I sit here in my office with a foot I can no longer feel. Soaked to the bone and sore from the onset of frostbite. I plan on finding a cheap pair of shoes and some socks at lunch to get home in. Have to look up the closest Payless Shoes now as my lovely Italians are now completely shot. Salt stains all over their once beautiful facade they are a mere shadow of their former greatness.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Some people go to UPS and move packages after the day job.
Others sell Avon, or Tastefully Simple, or Tupperware.
And then theres me.
I get to drag bloodied referees back to the locker room.
I listen to people tell me how one day their going to be a professional wrestler even though they're 56.
I get to duck flying steel chairs and barb wired bats.
I get listen to fans scream profanities at their idols and try not to laugh or smile as it would show on camera.
Honestly it's the most interesting part time job a person could ask for. Maintaining the peace for an already way to peaceful crowd isn't much work. The occasional run in with celebrity is a perk for sure, almost as much as the free food and drink before, during, and after a show. Getting the best seat in the house is a perk as is the occasional in the ring action. I actually like this job.
So as I'm driving home last night through the Holland Tunnel I honestly had nothing to complain about. It's nice to have those brief moments however fleeting they maybe. Complete bliss and serenity with all in the world. A light snowfall, a good tune on the radio, and 92 miles to enjoy them both.
I get paid for this?
Friday, December 02, 2005
Come over, I'll make you dinner.
You realize that your 45 miles away.
I'll make it worth it.
You make a meal? What are you making?
Soup, salad, and a grilled cheese sandwich.
Damn a venerable feast.
So are you coming over?
On my way.
I got there and the salad was handed to me in the bag it came in unopened. The soup was still in it's can and the grilled cheese wasn't grilled. What she had done was toast the bread and then stick cheese between the toasted slices and microwave them together.
But honestly it was the thought that counted as I picked her up and placed her down on the counter top kissing her.....
She should cook more often.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Let's change gears by getting naked around here. Best or most requests wins. I'll have an hour before my game tonight to snap a photo. So you have til' about 6pm EST.
So what am I exposing?
(No penis shots, it's cold out.)
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
I teared up as I knelt down by his coffin. To me he was just another one of the neighborhood guys. Busting his ass day in and day out to escape the poverty and drugs that had come to plague the neighborhood streets we once called home. As I knelt there it was a surreal moment. It was when I looked up and saw the note from his children. It created a lump in my throat like I've never had before. I read the note but I honestly couldn't tell you what it said. It was raw emotion and something I had never experienced before and hopefully something I won't have to again.
I don't miss the old neighborhood. It's a ghetto of the worst sort now. But I realized tonight that I do sometimes miss the people. Most of them were never able to escape, trapped inside of their homes by fear of a stray bullet striking them. Drugs and sex are sold openly on every street corner and garages become brothels and crack houses. Products of their enviroment they struggle on the only way they no how these days and sadly that leads them into shady territory. Unfortunately while no one spoke of it tonight I believe that was exactly what happened that Thanksgiving morning.
I sold my house in the neighborhood 5 years ago and haven't looked back. I considered myself lucky and put behind me the grim fear of living in the neighborhood. Tonight I shook the hands of many that are still living there. All aged before their years the area had sucked whatever lust for life they possessed. Many of them felt like shells of the people I once bumped into on the streets. On the streets when they were safe.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
-k o w
Believe it or not I'm an American Red Cross certified CPR/AED and First Aid instructor. I was teaching a class today to a group of mothers and it hit me. I bet many of my readers out there are mommys and daddys and I bet many of them have no clue how to properly perform CPR or Rescue Breathing.
If your interested in learning I can put together a couple of posts demonstrating the skills through text and pictures so that you all may at least learn the basic skills needed when performing a rescue.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Boy my posts of late have sucked haven't they? Peanut butter sandwiches, porn stories and Bush being pecked in the pecker. I was going to tell you all about the night I lost my virginity. I shagged that lil minx 8 times all over my buddy's house. Even outside on the picnic table, under the picnic table and on the 68' Mustang in the driveway. I'll save that story for another day.
Because I'm a (noun).
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
We all have that dish on our table every year. Your aunt brought over some funky ass casserole for everyone to try yet no one does. And if someone does they say "Wow that was ummm... great for a once a year treat. Pass the gravy."
For me the dish that always get's me shaking my head every year is this broccoli casserole thing. Now I'm all for broccoli and cheese but when you start adding shit like cornmeal to it the whole dish becomes ruined. I mean it looks like someone got sick and grabbed that dish before hitting the toilet. And it tastes bad. There's no reason to have 5 or 6 cheeses to a dish unless it's a pizza. For pete's sake parmesan does not have to be sprinkled on eveything to the depth of an inch thick. It's like biting into the Jersey shore with seaweed in the sand. I mean look at the stuff. Does that look like something you want to be gobbling down? Fuck no!
Another consumable that ends up on every table for Thanksgiving is Franzia.
Yeah you know your in for an evening of fun when the box with a tap for a penis starts pouring it's insides into your mother's finest glassware. Franzia! Whoa look out! Aunt Sissy just unbuttoned her blouse, she's ready to get funky. Unfortunately Uncle Nut is half asleep in the living room with his left hand on the remote and his right hand on his cock. Franzia! Where'd those kids get that wine? Oh they thought it was kool aid and are now driving drunk while playing Pole Position downstairs in the basement. Franzia has the power to fuck up an entire room of 8-10 year olds in a matter of a half an hour. Trust me. The kids love it being drunk and their parents are too fucked up themselves to give a shit. Franzia, guaranteed to make your family event a complete drunken escapade where family members start cursing each other out over that time when they were 12 and the one put a tack on the other ones chair at the Thanksgiving table causing them to take a header into the stuffing.
So I ask you faithful readers what is that one dish that ends up on your table every year?