Friday, April 28, 2006

Once upon a time in a village outside of a grand imperial city there lived a wizard who was allergic to mayonaisse. He would stay up to all hours of the night conjuring a cure for this ailment as he loved to eat turkey hoagies and potatoe salad. One night as he stood at his cauldron brewing his next attempt at a cure a knock came at the door. "Hello Jaufree" said the wizard as he opened the door. "What's up Ladlow, listen theres this killer party going on in the guard's quarters of the imperial jail, care to tag along?" The wizard thought to himself that he hadn't been to a good party in awhile. In fact the last one he was at had killer turkey hoagies so he agreed to go.

The two of them could hear the beat of the drums coming from the party all the way out in the countryside. "Bro, this party is going to be great, food, grog, and wenches! Who can ask for anything more?" Ladlow the wizard replied "How about a cure for my mayonaisse allergy?" "Your allergic to mayonaisse?" asked Jaufree. "Hell yeah, been that way since the last party where Brunhilda was mixing that potion with the chickenroot in it." Jaufree remembered that party well. Brunhilda knew how to party. She would set up a cauldron in the middle of the room and make people throw whatever they wanted in to it before pouring it out into shot goblets for everyone. Maybe Ladlow the Wizard's allergy was a direct result from the last party. "Oh well, not my problem" he thought as he and the wizard entered the door to the guards quarters.

"5 gold mate or your not getting in" announced the guard inside. Both men paid the amount, grabbed their plastic goblet and went about eyeing up the wenches and the assorted kettles and cauldrons spun about the room. Brunhilda caught Ladlow's eye so he pulled on the nip of his magic gown and proceeded to strut over to her in what he liked to call "magic pimp style." Brunhilda was knocking back a shot of something bubbly and green when the wizard said "Do you think I can try some of that stuff?" "Sure sugar, here you go." and with that she poured him a serving. Ladlow knocked it back without thinking. "Now that's some stuff right there!" Already he could feel it's affect. Visions of turkey hoagies and potatoe salad danced in his head. "What is this stuff?" he asked feeling all of a sudden much hungrier. "Thats my super allergy remedy potion, it cures all of your allergies instantly." Ladlow was excited. Finally a chance to eat turkey hoagies and potatoe salad once again. He hugged Brunhilda and tapped her on the bottom as he went over the wawa table in the corner. The archmage Wawa had stopped practicing the dark arts about a year ago to pursue his life long dream of owning a deli. Ladlow picked up a turkey hoagie and smothered it in potatoe salad. "This is awesome!" he yelled out loud and everyone cheered. After finishing the sandwich Ladlow strutted back up to Brunhilda and invited her back to his place after the party.

The End

Author's Note: I have no idea how in the hell I just wrote this thing. It just came out as I was writing it. Anyway, no Fuggo updates until May 5th at the earliest. I leave for Brazil and the Amazon tonight. Cheers.

Thursday, April 27, 2006


Nintendo announced today the name of their new videogame console, Wii. Pronounced "we" it is prime right out of the box for ridicule and we here at Fuggo love to do our part.



Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Wicca vs Waterballoons

Growing up me and my friends had built4 treehouses located in a heavily overgrown section of our local park. They were awesome. All of them were about 14'-20' feet high in the trees and were completely secure thanks to trip wires and other booby traps we had set up. We spent an entire summer building them with scrap wood we'd find all around the neighborhood. On the ground we had established a firepit and built benches. It was almost like a courtyard right in the middle of the four trees. If I showed you pictures of it you would be amazed. It was the perfect place for a bunch of kids to hang out during the summer. Trade baseball cards, play war, swing from trees, every kids dream... until 1990 when we were invaded.

It was a Saturday or a Sunday and me and the guys had decided to head up to the fort (treehouses) to put a roof on one of the houses that had blown off in a recent storm. As we walked back down the path we had cut through the weeds earlier that summer we were greeted with the smell of something burning. The four of us became real quiet and moved slowly towards the treehouses as we suspected someone was back there. As we walked into the clearing under the trees we were greated by a woman in her mid 30's with long wiry black hair. "Hello there." she said and we nearly shit our pants. Here was a woman roasting something over a fire that smelled goddawful. "This is our fort, what are you doing here?" I remember asking. "Well I'm practicing wicca, the art of witchcraft. Would you like to join me?" "Hell no lady!" and with that we hauled ass out of our fort dropping all the wood we had just carried 2 miles to the site.

We regrouped after running for 5 minutes in the other end of the park. "What are we going to do?" we all asked ourselves. "We have to get her out of there, she's doing satanism, killing cats!" was one of the responses and at 13 years of age we were all making more of the situation than what was actually happening. We decided to go back to the fort and tell her she had to leave or else. So the four of us marched back to confront her. "You have to leave... now." my buddy said. "I'm not going anywhere, I plan on living here, you've buitl a very nice spot and I like it." With that we stormed off determined to get her out of there. We thought about calling the police but then they would find the Playboys we had stashed in the fort. We could tell the park ranger but he too would find the Playboys we had stashed there. So instead we decided the only way to get her out of there would be warfare.

We went to the local five and dime store and loaded up on water balloon grenades. We then proceed to fill up two red wagons full of the said water grenades and took turns pulling them the 2 miles to the fort. Stealthly we walked back to the fort where the woman was brewing something up in a pot on our firehole. "This is your last warning miss. Leave now." She told us to go to hell or something and that was all we needed to hear. We cut loose with a volley of water grenades that saturated ever single spot she called her own. We then retreated to get more grenades and were stunned when she came chasing after us. More grenades smashed against her soaking her to the bone. She cursed like a sailor as we continued a bombardment unlike anything we had ever unleashed.

Four boys hitting an older woman with water balloons in an open field is not something that goes unnoticed. Park rangers soon drove up and brought the battle to a stop. "These boys are attacking me with water balloons!" "She's killing cats and eating them and doing withcraft in our fort in the woods over there" we retorted. "Killing cats?" She fired back. "I was practicing nothing more than Wicca." After about 5 more minutes of arguing back and forth the rangers went with us to the site. They were surprised at how well the place was built but were more shocked by what the woman had set up in the clearing under our trees. She had set up a small campsite in the time since she had been there. They ordered her to leave immediately as the park frowned on people setting up residence inside of the park. She cursed us all repeatedly saying she would place a hex on us all. She loaded up her bags and left. The rangers put out the fire she had going with the few water balloons we had left and asked us how long had we had the treehouses built there. After showing them how to get up in them they climbed the ladder and inspected the treehouses finding the Playboys we had stashed. "Boys we can't let you keep these but we will let you keep the treehouses on the notion that you don't start any fires back here." We all agreed and went about our task of gathering the wood we had dropped earlier.

If your ever in the area and want to see the treehouses they still stand to this day. Just go to the southwest end of Wissinoming Park and follow the path through the weeds. Soon you will come to a clearing. Look up and you will find our forts in all of their fought for glory.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Musical Monday, 4/24/06I'm posting this song today because it's a fun song. People who know me know I will put it on right in the middle of a party just to fuck with people. Yes it's elevator music I know but the twist comes at the end. Just sit tight, chill out to the music and you'll know what I'm talking about when you hear it.

Ladies and gentlemen, inspired by the game Shenmue, I present Dale North's..."Com...

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The Bar Joke

Ok this attempt #3 at getting this audio post of me telling the joke I tell everyone. If it doesn't work fuck it. Write to Blogger and Castpost and tell them that their lucky this is free because there's no fucking way I would pay for this service.

Musical Monday installment coming your way later tonight. Stay tuned to see if that one works too.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Small Confession

In yesterdays HNT post I mentioned how I received a blow job while finishing a game of NHL 96. While it's true that happened theres more to the story....

Me and her had a bet. If I could win the Stanley Cup in the game on the "Hard" difficulty setting she would go down on me. Looking forward to the oral I changed the setting on the game to "Easy" before I started playing and told her it was on Hard. Long story short I beat the Red Wings in the game 11-2 and she made good on our wager. Sure I cheated to get it but it was going to be my first time receiving oral and I didn't want to miss the opportunity.

Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

HNT- Geek Chic

I saw this shirt in a Kohls department store last summer and had to have it. It took me back to those days where I'd be struggling to get Mario over Koopas and Mushroom guys. Over Easter weekend I did 6 loads of laundry and found this shirt in the bottom of the hamper. Yup I'm a geek but I make this shit look good.

My top 5 gaming moments?
1. Scoring 163 lines in the original Tetris for the Gameboy. (The record still stands.)
2. Buying a Super Nintendo off the kid across the street from me for just $10.
3. Having an ex-girlfriend suck me off as I won the Stanley Cup in NHL 96 with the Flyers.
4. Xbox Live for the last 3-4 years.
5. Beating Shenmue on the Dreamcast without any help or cheats.


I've got nothing today for ya.
Not a damn thing to write about.
Too much research, study, and writing to do.
Research in the old fashioned way when people opened books and read shit instead of just googling for their answer.
Wikipedia is useless as well.
So I'm hitting the books.
And actually having a beer on a weekday as well!
Go read another site.
Quick save yourself.
What are you still doing here.
For the love of christ don't you have some fucking work to do?
Shouldn't you be going over microbiology?
This post should have ended after the third line.
But it hasn't.
And you've made it this far.
So you are rewarded.
Tommorow's HNT will be very geeky.
Ninkinko geeky.
If I decide to do it instead of working on 30 page reports on a topic that would bore you to fucking tears.
Shit here comes the amazons again.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Musical Monday, 4/17/06

This song just fucking rocks. It's quick and easy, kinda like me.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Zambonis and "Hockey Monkey"

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I walked out the backdoor yesterday and sat down in the hammock. It was "San Diego" weather I thought and thusly demanded that I be outdoors. With a good book and very little breeze blowing I sat down in the direct sunlight. The suns radiation warmed me up quick so much that as I started chapter 12 I was pretty cozy in the netting. Over the course of the next 15 minutes I could feel my hat getting heavier and heavier. My eyelids were becoming the same way and I fought valiantly to stay awake but the ne....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......



¿puede usted decir siesta?

Friday, April 14, 2006

Older Women Rock

If I could I'd like to add Catherine Keener to the list of women I want on top of me. Someone sent this picture to me in an email entitled simply "The Sex". Can't say I disagree.

It's said that women hit their sexual prime in their 40's. If that's true I can't fucking wait.

That's going to be a great decade.

The Power of Moaning

Two weeks ago a woman who I am good friends with left a message on my phone of her getting herself off and screaming my name. Ever since then it's been saved on my answering machine and soon will be uploaded here for all of you to hear. It's one of those things I have to share. In it she starts off with nothing but heavy breathing, then slow moans, then "yes", more moaning, then the requisite "fuck me", more heavy breathing and so on. It's a great message really. When I go through my messages in the morning I find myself always listening at least to the very beginning of it. I think it's the moaning.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

HNT, 4/13/06


I am complimented at least three times a week on how I smell. "(kow) you smell great." or "What are you wearing that smells so good?" are the two items I hear most. Scent is something that people remember most. Think about how you'll smell something and for a split second your in another place where you first smelled that particular fragrance. It amazes me how people react to a scent they pick up on.

About six months ago a friend of my ladyfriend calls her up to ask if I could go over to her place and set up her internet connection. I am constantly whored out to perform deeds such as this and of course I agree to do it. So I drive over to her friends place and knock on the door Her friend invites me in and shows me her "brand new Dell!!!". It's a laptop and she needs help setting up a wireless network so she can cruise the internet while in bed. So I hook everything up and then sit on her couch with the laptop to show her what I've setup for her. The first thing she says to me is "Wow you smell great!" I continue on to tell her about what I setup and she continues with "You smell amazing" as she moves closer and closer with each passing second.
As I'm showing her the features of wireless networking she moves even closer and says "I love whatever it is your wearing, you gotta tell me what your wearing as it's driving me crazy." I turn to her, look her dead in the eyes and say "Baby it's my deodorant." "Deodorant?" she quips back. "Yup... it's Pure Sport Old Spice."

Monday, April 10, 2006

Musical Monday, 4/10/06

Whenever I hear this song I feel like getting naked. I don't know why I just do. In fact I had no clue who the artist was until this woman I was seeing put it on one night to set the mood. The result? Me naked and mucho whoopie that night.

Ladies and Gentlemen for today's Musical Monday I present "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan

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"I Call"

As I sat there I knew I was going to be in trouble. Nobody in the place could have missed her as she strutted through the floor to sit down and play. She was due up next on my table and it just so happened the seat across from me was open. After breaking necks of the gentlemen swinging around to make sure it was her she sat down right across from me and said "Hello."

Now this was something I had never experienced before. Playing a simple game of poker in A.C. on a Friday night is usually a sausagefest. This night was different because not only had a woman arrived but a woman everyone knew. She was famous. Breathtaking on the silver screen she now sat directly across from me with $200 in chips ready to play. She buys into the next hand and away we go. She wins some hands and loses some. Play was pretty aggresive on the table minus myself and the gentlemen next to me as it seemed each guy wanted to be in a hand with her. This way they would get her attention for a split second and think to themselves "Yeah I could get her tonight." I just sat back and watched the show. I would throw in on a couple of hands looking to make something happen but nothing did. She on the other hand was starting to build quite the pile in front of her. I don't know what was sexier, her chips or her.

I finally catch a hand, a pair of tens. She apparently does to as she raises me on the flop. "Let's play." I say to her and we're off. This was a no limit game and we both had about the same size stack so we threw chips at one another back and forth up until the river where I go all in. "I call." she fires quick and pushes her pile all in as well.

Well I have a new respect for her. She took me for close to $140. As I stood up to leave she stood and shook my hand. That's classy. I may not have enjoyed many of the films she's been in but I will always remember the night in A.C. where she took my money at the poker table.

Go ahead and guess who she was.

Friday, April 07, 2006

The Stinky Elevator

Don't you hate it when you walk onto an elevator and it smells like someone just farted on it?Then you realize that bastard just walked off and now your alone. And don't you hate it even more because you know when the door opens next and someone walks in that their going to think it was you who farted.

Fug Libs

Growing up I loved to do Mad Libs. I've been meaning to write one for the site here and today I present the first edition of what I like to call "Fug Libs". Your task as the reader is to copy and paste the following short into your comments and replace the words in parenthesis with a response.
I look forward to seeing what you all come up with. Happy Friday.

Sally was (verb) down the street one day when she found a (noun). She was amazed by the way it (verb) in the sun. So she picked it up and put it in her pocket. As she continued down the street she felt a rumble in her pants pocket. She reached into her pocket and felt something (adjective) and (adjective). Now in her hand was a (noun) which all of a sudden had grown (plural noun). Confused now Sandy didn't know what to do with it. She decided to (adverb) place it on the ground and (verb) away from it (adverb). All of a sudden it began to chase her. Sally turned and ran. She ran harder than a (noun) back home and locked her (noun). It was in hot pursuit and ended up getting hit by a (noun) as it was crossing the (noun) to Sally's house. Sally was saved. The End

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

HNT- Sport

Ever Brush Your Teeth With Cake Batter?

I have. It's called Crest Whitening Expressions Vanilla Mint. I picked it up by mistake last night at the store. You should have seen my face this morning. I loaded up my toothbrush with the stuff and proceeded to start brushing. Two seconds in I spit out all of the toothpaste onto my bathroom mirror. "What the Fuck!" I said as I looked down at the tube to find out what I had just put in my mouth. It was Crest, ok so far. Whitening Expressions, yup that's what I wanted to buy. Vanilla Mint? Holy fuck what did I just do? I rinsed my mouth out with water then Listerine. As I turned to hop in the shower I could still taste this garbage. So I hopped under the water and just let the jets of water squirt the remaining remnants of this foul toothpaste from my mouth.

The taste of this shit is horrible. Fucking horrible. If they wanted to make a good tasting toothpaste they should make one called "barbecue". That I would try. This Vanilla Mint is heading right for the garbage can.

Moral of the story? When putting something in your mouth make sure you know what it is first. It may look familiar but sometimes it's completely different.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

After Midnight Tonight...

After midnight tonight, you have the opportunity to experience 01:02:03 04/05/06, which is highly unlikely to happen again in our lifetimes. I plan on celebrating the moment with one of the following:

a.) Masturbation
b.) Oblivion on the 360
c.) A strawberry milkshake
d.) Sleep
e.) Freud's "Civilization and Its Discontents"

Monday, April 03, 2006

Musical Monday, Vol. 1

The original jazz-funk instrumentals on the Beastie Boys 1994 album "Ill Communication" are what made the album for me. A long time fan of the boys from Brooklyn they were the one musical act I grew up with that got older with me. What I mean by that statement is that wherever I have been in my development the Beasties were right there as well.
Futterman's Rule is the song I'm featuring today. To me the song takes me to a place where I want to boogie, drink, and talk philosophy. I grew up with funk and the Beasties bring it it this song. The saying at the beginning is one I think about alot. I don't want to miss anything in my short time on this planet, because there might not be no more next time y'all...

I hope you enjoy the song, as much as I do.

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Sunday, April 02, 2006

Midnight, McNuggets, and Mario

It's late here and I'm tired but can't fall asleep. Three shows in three days is alot with the travel sucking you dry each and every way. I don't know how people can be on the road 40+ weeks a year. It sucks. I'm sitting here in a 24 hour McDonalds at half past 12:00am eating these disgusting chicken mcnuggets and thinking their the best thing I've eaten since I left for this midwest tour on Thursday. With my DS as the only true method of entertainment I decided to pull into this McDonalds to take advantage of their WiFi connection to play a little MarioKart over the internet and cruise the web.

Is there anything to do in Illinois besides a Cubs game?