Tuesday, February 28, 2006
What's your desktop look like?
These things are disgusting. First their fucking cold. Colder than a supposed "witches (thx LLF!) tit". Which makes me ask "Exactly how cold is a witches tit anyway?" If witches are humans then they should constantly be at a temp of 98.6 degrees. Are witches not human then? Do they take ice baths? Maybe they're just really cold, heartless people? Who knows but these burgers are cold.
These burgers taste like shit. Not that I know what shit tastes like but if I had to imagine what fecal matter would taste like it would probably be close to this thing. I just took my second bite and for the life of me I don't want a third. But I just dropped $3.95 on this experience and I'm not one to waste money. Bites 3 and 4 reveal a pickle like object. I'm not sure if it's actually a pickle but I'm hungry. You know I bet if I opened up this burger, pulled out a pickle, and threw it against the floor it would probably do one of three things:
1.) It would bounce like a super ball.
2.) It would grow legs and arms and try to attack me.
3.) It would lie there feeling dejected and cold, colder than a witches tit.
I'm throwing these things out. I hate throwing away money. I could go down stairs and give it to the bum that lives in our dumpster but that would be looked upon as a hate crime.
EDIT: I launched the burgers, dejected pickles and all, from 6 floors up. I can't believe what happened. They sprung wings and flew away after taking a shit on the McDonalds across the street.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
I'm sure many of you were distraught when trying to access this lil corner of the web over the last 48 hours. Blogger farted and kicked FUGGO out for about 20 hours. But now it's back in all of it's candy reviewing goofiness.
Wanna tell me how much you missed the site? Skype me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I'll be back later with more turtle humping madness from the Cape May County Zoo.
And in case you missed it check the post below on Emily Dickinson and comment if you can on the subject. I'm fascinated by her work right now and I don't know why.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
But maybe she was just rebeling? Maybe since at the time she was the exception in poetry. She was a woman first, that was taboo. Then instead of writing about how wonderful everything was ala Keats she instead gets darker than Blake had ever gotten.
And yes I know somehow culture made it's way to this page. I tried beating it away with a broom but to no avail.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
"Yes may I speak to Mr. (k o w)?"
"Well yes sir this is your lucky day, I'm here to tell you a great opportunity involving Cingu..."
"Wait a second please I'm kinda in the middle of something."
"Ok sir while your doing that I..."
"I don't think you heard me can you give me a second here I'm stuck."
"Sir we are now able to provi..."
"Look chum my house is being attacked right now by Amazons."
"Amazons, see apparently they found out where I lived after I stole their idol spoon and so they came all the way up here to get me. At first they said they were here to sell me something and now their fucking the place up."
"Well that's quite the story."
"Yup and it's all true." (sound of toilet flushing in background)
"What was that noise?"
"I just ate all of the Amazons and instantly shit them out and flushed them down the lou."
"Thank you for your time."
"Hey what does 6 times 7 equal?"
And with that the line went dead. I think it's every persons duty to screw with telemarketers when they call you in the middle of going to the bathroom.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Here in the bar
I drink beer all the time
I can win at quizzo
and leave the others behind
Here in the bar
I eat pizza for free
I can listen to U2
In the bathrooms I go pee
Here in the bar
Where the smoke still flies free*
It kill me someday
If I continue to breathe
Here in the bar
I know I've started to think
About screwing this eve
because I'm really horny
* authors note: In the city of Philadelphia a measure has been brought up that would eliminate smoking in public spaces. I am and always will be against smoking but I find myself in a conundrum. I can't sit in a bar without there being smoke in the air. It just doesn't seem right to me. Thoughts?
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
I'll give my method later on today.
Awesome to read all of your methods to this classic dish. I'm the same except instead of butter I use mayonaisse. NWC I love your idea with the waffle iron. I'm trying it this weekend.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Now as I drove by the pile this morning on my way in all I could think was how great a snow fort that pile could be if I had my shovel handy. I hate to drive in the snow but I love to play in it.
Author's note: That pic is not one of the actual pile. The actual pile I wrote about is actually bigger than that one. I'll take pics later.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy Let's Masturbate Day.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
Remember folks theres always time to sit on your ass when your dead.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Being on the internet can't be good for your back either. As your reading this your bent over somewhat aren't you? Admit it that now your straightening up and bringing your shoulders back. Hey I know I'm doing it. Doesn't it feel good when you stretch back like that? Imagine how piss poor your posture is when walking around. I for one try to correct this everyday when I'm walking. Reason I do it is because when I'm 65 and on the internet I don't want my back to go out.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Yes the toilet actually talked Virginia.
I could have posted the "300 things you didn't know about k o w" but I find lists to be hard to read after #10 so I skipped that idea. Then I considered opening up this site to a reader to do a guest post but pulled back from that because how could I pick just one person? So instead I open the floor here for comments on what you really think of this site. Is it stupid? Refreshing? Maybe you think it would go great mixed with Coke Classic and some grenadine? Let's hear it. Don't hold anything back as I'll be the first person to admit something sucked.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
Any goths read this who can explain the culture to me?
I'm not bullshitting you here. I ate 5 frigging packs of these things this weekend since discovering them mid-day on Friday. I mean their Sweettarts covered in a super sour candy shell, and their chewy! What wicked chemical engineer concocted this combination in the lab? They are sure to be a saint to those of us that like a little sour with our sweetness. These little candies are really tasty and well habit forming. It probably wasn't good for my health by eating as many as I did but I say we should enjoy ourselves as much as we can while on this plane of existence. And I'll be enjoying myself with these things. Off to buy a case on ebay.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
His hair is white and gray
His wit an email surprise
His face is never cold
Cause' he's got Andy Rooney Brows
He'll turn his mojo on you
You won't have to think twice
He's as burnt as Cheech and Chong
He's got fuzzy ass brows
And he'll pick you
he'll kick you
all the better just to teach you
and he knows just what it takes to make a pol blush
All the rednecks think he's a cow
he's got Andy Rooney brows