Monday, July 31, 2006


For some it's a coffee and a cigarette.
Others it's a blueberry muffin lathered in butter.
Some may name their dog "Breakfast".
While some will skip it all together waiting until lunch for a bite.
But today I called the following breakfast and it may have been the best meal I ever had.

Ok, since blogger is refusing to display it picture this. A plate with three pancakes on it. But these aren't your ordinary pancakes these are different. They have Gummy Bears in them. It's a diabetic's nightmare but who can resist?

Thursday, July 27, 2006

How True

"When we die, we may be set to write an essay on our life story. Fifty years behind a desk will be summed up in a few paragraphs while a few days in the wilds will expand into the story."
- Stephen Graham

Thanks to Velocity Engine for showing me this quote 3 years ago. I really should have read it more at the time because I would have tendered my resignation back then and have my degree by now. But instead I tendered it last Friday. It goes into effect 8/18/06. Making August 19th the first day I get to expand into my story.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Tagged... Sorta

Suburban Joe got tagged this week and since he threw it out there for everyone I decided to pick it up and post because frankly I had nothing today except for a small story of me, a buddy, and a 400 lb. S14 motor we just pulled out of a Nissan 240SX. Yeah I lost ya already right there I know... so anyway onward with this linky taggy kindy thingie.

Five things in my wallet:
Lock of hair from my first and only dog.
My gf's phone number from the night she gave it to me.
ATM card
Library Card
Sam's Club Card

Five things in my refrigerator:
Iron Hill Russian Imperial Stout (750 ml)
Homemade Pico de Gallo
Arm and Hammer Baking Soda
Mandarin oranges and whole cranberries mixed together in a container.

Five things in my closet:
An ongoing school science fair project from 1985 involving the decomposition of assorted materials in a controlled liquid enviroment. Hi I'm a nerd.
My Pet Monster ------------->
My Tippman A-5
A 3' warhammer made out of cedar.

Five things in my car:
Fishing rod and vest
Wiffle ball and bat
Sirius Satellite Radio
Emergency Deodorant

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Beetle Bags

I placed one of those Japanese Beetle bags in my backyard last weekend. It's supposed to attract and trap all of the beetles flying around in your backyard. When I checked on it last night I had well over 300 beetles in it, simply amazing.

Well this morning I walked out to find an 02' Volkswagon Beetle in my backyard on it's side.

I guess those bags really do work well.


Sunday, July 23, 2006

Teddy Bear Orgy

Yeah I bet you expected something less obscene for your Monday morning didn't you? Well I didn't expect to crawl inside of a $12 bottle of wine and have it obliterate me on Sunday either. And I really didn't expect to go into the room down the hall in her place to find Beanie Babies having an orgy of prolific proportions. Luckily I was able to capture the phenomenon with my camera. Share with your co-workers, friends, and family because this kind of content is completely worksafe.

First rule of Teddy Bear orgy... Wine bought for less than $15 will fuck you up!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

It was 1994 and I had convinced her to walk with me all the way down the Wildwood beach. I had scouted a location at the very end of the sandy isle that looked out over the western bay as the sun went down. When we got there I busted open a bottle of wine, a simple merlot, I had smuggled from a friends liquor cabinet and we proceeded to just knock back the bottle without the use of glasses. It was so simple of a moment. Blazing orange sky, complete innocence, and an overwhelming sense of peace. We just sat there watching the tide and sharing banter back and forth and the occasional odd but oh so nice incidental contact. The kind where someone could touch your elbow yet you feel it everywhere in your body. The slight breeze coming off the ocean called for me to wrap my shirt around her as goosebumps rised over her skin. And we just sat there, kissing, groping, snuggling after awhile and finishing a bottle of "borrowed" wine wondering if we'd ever get the chance again to be right there in that moment.

We never did.

I left Wildwood the next day like I did each of the previous 5 years there. Wondering if I would ever get back to that point on the bay at the southern tip of the island the next year. I never did, but I think it's high time I did and I know just with who too.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


I don't know where I'm going with this found money.
Maybe Reno and a whore.
Maybe Hawaii and a pineapple.
Maybe I'll finally take that long fucking flight to the land where the toilets flush backwards.
They have wallaby's there.

More than likely though I'll end up sitting on it and then wonder why in 20 years why I did that.

I'm really tired of sitting.


They used to call me Randal when I worked at Blockbuster video back in the day. I would work the late shift to midnight on weeknights and after 10pm you'd get the same people coming in all the time. My boss was appalled by some of the things I would discuss with the customers. Sex scenes in movies, bloodiest horror films, and just how much a certain movie fucking sucked. I was actually written up but then my boss chilled when he saw sales and rentals actually going up when I was on. People were coming in to hang out in the store to watch the films I would put on. I would take off the standard trailer playing on all of the televisions and put on Basic Instinct,
9 1/2 Weeks, or Evil Dead. People would come in buy a bag of popcorn (which we'd pop for them), a couple of sodas and then just sit or stand around watching a movie with me and whoever else were working that night. I'd pause a film and yell at the screen. Customers would join in as well and it became a weekly in store tradition, "Movie Night with Randal." I was not PC. I told people exactly what I thought of whatever they brought up to me to rent. If I didn't like it I told them the movie "sucked more than Traci Lords" and they would laugh and then go get another movie.

I was eventually scheduled to work Sunday mornings as well so I would open the store and do what I did on the weeknights, play lousy, stinky, soft core porn, or horror movies. The same people started showing up to rent and this time they'd bring me coffee and danish for breakfast. We'd sit there and I would put in some random kids cartoon show and we'd all sit there and bust on it. I never had so much fun at the workplace.

When my last day working there came I sat on the counter and greeted people as they came in. Some brought cards, some brought porn on VHS for me to take with me. As the clock turned 10 pm I had a group of 8-10 people anxiously awaiting what movie would be the final film I would watch with them at Blockbuster. It was a no brainer for me and after I got permission from my store manger to play it without being censored I put into the VCR....

Monday, July 17, 2006

18,000 Gallon Bath Tub

I took a personal day today. It's been close to 100 degrees here in sunny Philadelphia and I decided to spend the day reading a book in the pool while drinking Corona.

It was just what the doctor in my head prescribed.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Meat Section

So I'm food shopping last night and enjoying the activity as much as I can. The produce section was a blast as I bagged up some corn and potatoes. Then it was off to grab a bottle of mustard and some ketchup. As I was exiting the condiment aisle I headed towards the meat section to grab a couple of steaks when I noticed a woman in scrubs holding a pepperoni. She wasn't just holding the pepperoni she was stroking it. At this point I looked around to see if anyone else was catching the show I was and an older woman just looked at me and gave me the dirtiest look. So I stood there as this woman basically was walking up and down the aisle giving the piece of cured meat a hand job. After about 45 long seconds she turned and caught my eye. I just smiled as her face grew red and she looked away.

That was the most fun in the meat section I've ever had.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

There's No Talking To a Wall

k o w: It's not the Beatles.
The Wall: Ummm... yes it is.
Just because it sounds like a Beatles song doesn't mean it was written and performed by them.
It's a Beatles song, trust me.
No it's Mott the Hoople.
Mott the Hoople, you never heard of them.
No because you just made that name up.
Negative, they used to perform with Bowie I believe.
Well I don't believe you. I know the young dudes song is a Beatles song. I have the CD with it on there.
Oh really which one is that.
Joe burned me a disc of all Beatles songs and it's on there.
Well he's wrong too then.
I hate when you get like this.
What? When I'm right and your wrong?
Mott the Hoople is not the name of a band. Maybe something from Seuss?
No it's a band and they performed "All the Young Dudes", not the Beatles.
Well I think your full of shit.

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you a common discussion with the Wall.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Over Dinner...

Dinner conversations when out with my friends can get a little well...

Women in Pink, Men in Blue
P: I think it's bullshit.
M: What? Stuffing a bra?
P: Yup, it's false advertisement.
S: I did it and it worked.
J: Of course it did, we wanted boobs. But why get pissed at us when we look surprised when seeing the real deal.
M: Like you give a shit at that point.
P: We do. To trot out a shirt showcasing ample boobage and then to have them either drop out of site or be next to non existant is a bait and switch operation.
S: What about toupees?
J: Cowards, detractors from the cause.
P: Agreed.
M: So you agree on that then?
P: Sure why wouldn't I? If a guy is going bald I'm with Carlin saying let nature run it's course.
S: But the same doesn't apply to our tits?
P: No because you have girls tissue stuffing at 13.
J: Yeah you don't see guys going bald or trying to hide it in middle school.
M: What about push up bras?
P: They serve their purpose.
S: Explain.
P: Well they hold up the jugs getting you the wearer the looks you still desire. You have to have boobs to wear them so no false advertisement there and by the time we have you in the sack your on your back where droopage no longer matters.
J: Yup, fried eggs.
M: Huh?
P: Fried egg titties, when women lay down on their back their boobs go to the side making their boobs look like fried eggs.
S: Where do you come up with this shit?
M: Don't ask, it's everyday.
S: I'm so sorry.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Answer an Age Old Question


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Monday, July 10, 2006


After shooting a piss poor 101 yesterday at the local course I think all golf courses are designed by Satan himself. He comes to course designers in their dreams and inspires them to carve out of the land a horrid mess meant to discourage a man from ever even picking up his 3 wood again. Sand, hills, ponds, rabbits, and ducks all instruments of his evil war being played against those of us who take up the good fight with our irons and woods.

I sent 5 balls to a watery grave yesterday. One was knocked in by a duck. It sat on the bank of the pond in what appeared to be a pretty good lie but as I approached the mallard herd decided to waddle their tail feathers towards my ball. The faster I walked to try and rustle them away from it proved fruitless as one fowl decided he'd play World Cup with it and thus launched it into the shallows.

Hah! Satan is at work again. He's not allowing me to upload the pictures I have of my said ball in it's aquatic tomb. Which actually might be a blessing in disguise as I would be cited by PETA. For some reason there is a plethora of duck feathers floating through the air in the picture. Couldn't be from someone kicking a duck could it?

(author's note, no ducks were harmed in this round of golf.)

Sunday, July 09, 2006


Is it a good sign that when you walk into a pub the owner of the place yells out your name welcoming you?

I don't go in there that much.

Do I?

I guess it's official.

I'm now a regular.

Hey you know what happens when you reach that status?

Your included everytime someone buys a round.

Friday, July 07, 2006

VHS Scuplture

My profile question just inspired me. I'm going to build a sculpture out of all of my old VHS tapes.

Then I'm going to spray paint it purple and green. Then I'll wrap it in velvet of some color and entitle it "Porn Morphed".

Because all of my good porn is still on VHS.


I am now on the high seas on a jet ski. Yes complete with high speed internet access and a built in PC, get over it. The ship I had been sailing on was attacked by Amazons. They approached our starboard side in banana boats. Literally they were rowing giant bananas while wearing the tiniest of bikinis and carrying spears. They jumped on our boat and started attacking us. We couldn't fight back as striking something so beautiful was just wrong so we started spraying them down with baby oil and milk chocolate. This made them slippery to grab. After an hour of fighting they took me below deck and forced me to make love to their leaders. It was terrible I felt like a piece of meat. Thankfully my libido kept me in the game and I was able to complete each time I mated with one of their leaders. One looked like Linda Carter in the 70's. The other looked like Linda Carter in the early part of this decade. I did what they forced me to do and then I was shown back up to the observation deck.

Surrounded by Amazon's in bikinis covered in baby oil and chocolate isn't as fun as it may sound. Especially since I had just spent 5 minutes down below making women of their leaders. They started to dance around me in some form of ritual. I noticed behind them a bunch of my crewmates were being thrown overboard. Then all of a sudden I heard a whir coming from behind me. As I turned the Amazons formed defensive positions. In the distance I could see approaching one of the most dreaded sites on the high seas. Robotic sea turtles fitted with helicopter rotors and machine guns. If I had a nickle for each time I evaded these things I'd have 15 cents right now. The Amazons were all set for the attack so I slipped away and made my way to the rear of the ship where we had stowed away the jet ski's I had won on the Price is Right.

As the turtles approached explosions began all around the Amazons. It was time for me to get out of there so I hopped on one of the jet ski's and took off for safety on the high seas. As I looked back the Amazons and robotic sea turtles were locked in mortal combat, then an explosion occured blowing the entire ship to smithereens. All that chocolate wasted.

So if your in the area I could use a pick up. I'm on the jet ski in the middle of the Carribean with the PC built into it.


Thursday, July 06, 2006


While driving into the farm this morning I noticed a young man wearing a shirt with something written on it. The saying was "I don't love these hoes!" Now I instantly asked myself how could someone not love a hoe. It's one of the greatest garden tools of all time, right up there with the spade and the pruner.

The guy certainly looked like he enjoyed his salad. He was a big boy making the saying the size of a billboard message along the highway. I wonder if he sits there at dinner saying "I don't love hoes but I love my salad!" Hoes are used in the cultivation of salad makings and thus this guy is a hypocrite.

Personally I love hoes. I work with mine each day working it back and forth slowly. I always wear protection when I'm with my hoe. First a hoe may give you splinters and they hurt and may require medication if it gets infected. Second you don't know who may have been working with your hoe before you so you should always wear gloves. Let's say your neighbor has been lusting after your hoe and while you were out they came over and used your hoe without you knowing. You'd be pretty pissed I bet, I know I would be. Also in my experience a dirty hoe is a good hoe. There's some stories a dirty hoe could tell if anyone would listen.

So in conclusion "I love those hoes."

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


Inspired by Booster's comment this is now a "Create your own subtitle" post.

Monday, July 03, 2006