Monday, October 31, 2005

Part 2

For the first part of this story click here.

As our eyes adjusted we all realized where we were. All around us decay had begun to take over what appeared to be a theater. Soiled red velveteen walls, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, it was as if we had stepped back in time 60 years. The musty air inside the building was heavy thanks to the summers humidity. As we turned towards the front of the building we could see the stage area. A hole was in the roof producing the effect of a spotlight onto center stage. It was unbelievable. Complete darkness other than our lights and the hole in the roof. As we walked around we found that the seats had all been buried under dirt. You could see them just peaking through the ground on which we were walking on. We made our way to the rear of the theater to what used to be the concessions area. It was in near pristine shape. Amazing when compared to the rest of the building. With nothing in there to see we decided to head to the stage. The building had to be close to 200 yards long. Gigantic when your 14 years old.
As we neared the stage n the right hand side we noticed a closed door so we went straight for it. As we were nearing it a large crash came from behind us. Scared shitless we turned around and saw bits of roof caving in from the rear of the building. Shaken now we continued on. On the other side of the door laid a stairway. Steps led up and down so we decided to split the group up. Myself and 2 others went upstairs while the others went down.

As we turned up stairs ahead of us was the scariest looking hallway you have ever seen. It was about 20 feet long with rooms on either side. As we walked down the hallway the temperature got colder and colder. It was July and it was feeling close to 40 degrees in there. In the third room on the left we found a mattress that hadn't been used in years and a Bible in one corner. Thoroughly freaked out the three of us just decided to get the hell out of there. Before exiting the room we saw written on the wall in red The words "Edwards Room" Well Ed you can have it and off we went. We had checked every room up there and all were empty except that room. Walking down the steps we heard the others coming up. They reported that the basement was flooded with about 3 feet of water and that they could hear something moving in it. We figured it to be rats and informed them what was upstairs. "Let's go check it out" one of the guys said and they started up the steps when all six of us heard the most blood curdling shriek from the top of the stairs. All of sudden we were all track stars running in the dark. Behind us the shrieking kept up sounding as if it was right next to us and yet far away at the same time. We all hopped through the hatch in the air handler and went straight back to my friends house all white as a ghost and winded. As we sat there discussing what had just happened we could only come up with two ideas.
1.) We have to set up a camera in the upstairs and investigate the upstairs again.
2.) We have to buy 2-3 inflatable rafts because we were going to explore that basement again as well.

This is just the beginning.

Part 1

Because I love weaving a tale. Happy Halloween.

The building had been abandoned for years. Closed in the late 70's it had sat there for years gathering dust, mildew, and water damage. It was sealed off with cinder block covering all the entrance ways. No one could get in as far as we knew. The outside of the building had become a dumping ground for tires and garbage while becoming so grossly overgrown with weeds that the perimeter resembled a literal jungle.

We played baseball in the building's parking lot for years. It was empty and with no owners around we had built ourselves a pretty good ballfield complete with milkcrate benches and an outfield wall built out of stacked car tires in front of the north facing wall of the building. Between the tire outfield wall and the building there was a trench about 15 feet deep. In it garbage and and plants dominated. The only time anyone ever went into the trench was when a ball was knocked into there.

"Crack!" and off of the bat went the ball flying straight for the trench beyond the tire wall. Seeing how that was the only ball we had that day somebody had to go into the trench to retrieve it. I volunteered. Being the 2nd oldest kid there at 14 I hopped down the wall and went in hunt of the ball. Bashing weeds aside with my baseball bat I came up next to the building and found the ball. Looking up to throw it out I spotted something. Up the side of the building about 10 feet up was an airshaft wide open and big enough for someone to stand in. "Hey guys come here, look what I found" I shouted and soon enough me and my buddies were all in the trench building a pile of debris with which to gain access to the airshaft. Crudely constructed out of wooden skids, cinder blocks, and of course more car tires we climbed into the airshaft and discovered that there was a door inside. Try as we might we couldn't get the door to open. So we all piled out of the airshaft and went home for the day to plan how we were going to get inside that building.

The next day we showed up to the parking lot not with baseballs and bats but with crowbars and hack saws. Right into the airshaft 2 of us went while the others kept watch up above on the baseball field and in the trench below. With some effort we were able to open the hatch inside of the shaft and called everyone up. As we looked inside an incredible stench greeted us and it was jet black inside. Without a flashlight to see inside with we decided to stick a cinder block against the hatch door to keep it open while we all agreed to go home and meet back at the field in an hour equipped with gear to go exploring inside the building. Like rats we scattered into the neighborhood.

An hour later we had all returned eager to start wandering through the building. We were equipped with everything a kid needs to go exploring. Bubble gum, flashlights, clothesline for rope, and of course soda and chips for when we needed a meal. All geared up and flashlights at the ready we headed into the dark abyss of the building and turned on our flashlights to reveal something we had never expected.

To be continued tonight.... Happy Halloween.

Sunday, October 30, 2005


Judging from emails and responses here FUGGO has almost become a part of the daily diet for many people.

We'll be back eventually.

In the meantime "You think your John Holmes?"
It's not work safe and I'd advise you to lower your speakers when you play.

Post #201

Ladies and gentlemen the time has come.
It's been fun.
No more stupid stories.
No more candy bar reviews.
No more nakedness on Thursdays.
No more anything.
It's over.
Absolute Nothingness.
The show is over.
There will be no encore.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

History of a street

The fire had broken out around 4 am and the entire house had been engulfed by 4:15 am. Inside 3 children, 2 girls and a boy, were all asleep. Their parents had tried to save them along with neighbors but the flames were too hot. Many on the street just stood in shock at the flames engulfing the home when all of a sudden they all say the boy run out of the house. He ran out of the front door and ran up the street by all of them and into the house of one of his friends at the top of the block. Everyone was relieved to see him get out but were worried about the 2 girls left inside. The fire raged on until coming under control an hour later. The parents knelt on the street outside of the house as firefighters went inside to rescue their children. They came out carrying all 3 of them rushing them all into an ambulance. "3?" stated one of the neighbors looking around at the others. "But I thought I saw (the boy) run out of the house and into the Smith's front door."
"But the Smith's aren"t home"
"What do you mean? I saw the door open and (the boy) go inside!"
"I just spoke to them, their heading back now from vacation, I've been feeding their dogs since they left. I have the key, let's go see if he's in there."
"No they just removed him from the home!" said another neighbor.
"Impossible, we all watched him run out the front door and into the Smith's!"
"No you didn't, he's in the back of the ambulance right now."

Sadly, the three children never made it to the hospital. Their funeral was held a week later and the parents moved down to the Jersey shore to get away from the tragic scene. In the meantime the house was renovated and sold to a Asian family fresh off the boat from Hong Kong. Not able to speak English except for their son the family was quiet. The street's children became fast friends with the boy and soon they were once again hanging out inside the house where 3 of their friends had perished.

"My mother has been frightened at night" said the Asian boy to his friends.
"She claims she keeps seeing a young boy's shadow in the middle room upstairs dancing around. Also there are times when she cannot open the back bedroom upstairs no matter how hard she tries."
"I think we need to talk"
So for the next 45 minutes the boy from Hong Kong learned about his new homes past. He learned from his friend that 3 of his friends had died in the home. All passed away in the house according to reports. The 2 girls in the back bedroom, the boy in the middle room. He learned that many on his street thought the boy had escaped. Many swear to this day that they saw him flee the fire through the front door of his house and run to the security of a neighbors home. The boy went home to translate the story to his mother who broke down and cried immediately.

The Asian family is still in the home. The son is a close friend of mine to this day and he still reports his mother will occasionally see the past residents playing in the middle room upstairs.

My name is Smith.

Friday, October 28, 2005

North Cedar Hill

It was raining harder than ever so we all decided to quit playing football and head home. To walk through North Cedar Hill cemetary was no big deal for the group of us. We played in there all the time and were familiar with all of the tales of wacky happenings and goings on told to us by the elders in the community.

We left Wissinoming Park and headed home through the cemetary as it was the most direct route. Night was beginning to fall and with the rain clouds 5pm had turned to near night in the middle of the summer. We headed up the hill when up ahead we could see headlights driving towards us. The 7 of us were well versed in running from the cops or the cemetary caretakers so we all hid behind various tombstones awaiting the vehicle to pass us.

It never did.

We started to look at one another wondering if we should make a run for it for the fences. So we all started to creep out of our hiding spots when we all suddenly froze. Everyone was silent, all you could hear was the pounding rain upon our muddy clothing. Up ahead of us by about 50 yards a black van was pulled over and 6-7 people all dressed in black were standing around in a circle. We all looked at each other in silent amazement at what we had stumbled upon. We all settled back into our spots and just watched what happened next.

The people in black began to chant what sounded like Latin. They lit a fire in the middle of their circle and began to walk around it. Then one of them went to the van and reappeared with a rooster. He/she/it walked back to the center of the circle, held the rooster over his head and then stabbed it repeatedly as he lowered it to the ground. Stabbing away the others in black joined in ripping the bird to shreads. They then threw the bloody carcass onto the small fire they had built chanted something and then piled into the van and took off.

We all sat there in utter disbelief of what we had just seen. We didn't move for close to 10-15 minutes maiinly from fear that the van would return. When we finally did move we all walked up to the now charred remains of the rooster and decided to get as far away from there as we could.

Satanic worship happens everywhere, sometimes in your own backyard.

Keep your eyes peeled here all this weekend as I will be sharing some very true horror stories for Halloween.

League Rules Addendum #5

5.) "If a player is found to be shouting at a referee using foul, abusive language he will be given a 2 minute penalty along with a warning. If the player is found again to be using foul, abusive language directed at a referee he will be given a game misconduct resulting in a one game suspension and/or possible suspension from the league. "

Ladies and gentlemen let me explain.

I am currently participating in a hockey league in "East Bumblefuck, PA". It's a quiet town, sheep run through the streets, cows are in everyones back yard, and there's just 2 stop lights on Main St. It's a quaint little slice of Americana. The local government opened up a state of the art indoor sports facility this past June and people from all around have come to play there in all of it's wonder.

So here I am walking in last night when one of the hockey league's workers hands me a piece of paper. "There's been a couple of changes to the rules here, you should read it." I take the paper and nearly crumble it up as I head into the lockeroom to gear up. As soon as I walk in my teammates are on me. "Did you see #5 on the sheet?"
"No" I responded not thinking much of it.
"Well you should read it, they put the rule in specifically for you, they're after you."

"Bullshit" I thought when I read what is now the opening paragraph of this post. The fuckers were putting into place a way to kick me out of the league for "loudly discussing" a call with a referee from the week before. Sure I was a little impressed that the league thought enough of me to put in a penalty just to call on me. Hey it's not my fault the fucking ref's suck. I mean how many times are you going to call me for roughing when all I'm doing is pushing the guy out of my way to the puck? That's hockey! You beat the other guy up when working in a corner. You check him off the puck when he's near you. Am I doing something wrong?

Did I mention I'm leading the league in penalty minutes this year?

So in closing I would just like to say I played last night's game like a good lil boy. No cursing at the refs, not yelling at the other team calling them a bunch of pussies or scumbags who aren't fit to carry my jock strap in their teeth. I played nicely and even agreed with all the ref's calls, even the one against me for roughing when I plowed the puck carrier over.

Following the end of the game last night the leagues Commissioner approached me in the locker room and thanked me for the game and for understanding and shook my hand.

I love small town America.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Today's HNT....

Will not be very revealing. In fact it's going to be rather dull. Over the course of the last month I have shown my bare ass, chest, tongue, and something else I can't remember right now. Today I'm going for reserved. Maybe it'll be my foot, kneecap, finger, or even my epidermus!
So there you have it. You caught me watching Popular.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


It is an amazing chemical. Also known as Epinephrine the hormone is produced by the suprarenal gland and released by neurons to regulate activity of target tissues (e.g. brain cells, muscle cells,...). (Thanks Wiki!)

This stuff powered me late last night. After a long, very frustrating day I was pushed over the edge at 9:15pm. I nearly grabbed my newly purchased war hammer to start swinging at things in my place. Instead I put on my cross trainers and went outside. On the sidewalk in the rain I could feel my body amping itself up. All of the days frustration was being channeled into my legs. Then it flipped. That little switch inside of my brain that says "Madman Mode" on it had gone from one side to the other. I started running. No warm up, no stretching I just went. The rain beating down harder and harder I continued on. I found my body driving itself to the local park. My brain was no longer in control, it was simply a passenger on a runaway train with no stoppping in sight. My legs kept pumping as I leaped over trash cans with but a thought and ducked under tree branches with a 6th sense of some sort. In front of me lay a hill with an incline close to 70 degrees. My brain said no way in this weather but again the body didn't hear it and up it went using my arms to dig into the turf as I neared the top. On top of the hill my legs didn't stop. My brain showed it a playground was 30 yards ahead and off my body sped. Leaping and grabbing one of the swingsets chains my body used it to carry me over a 4 foot wall onto the main playground area. Reaching out to grab the cold steel of the monkey bars my body started doing pull ups as fast as it could. Once finished the beast now known as my body went in search of another challenge. Nearing a baseball field it decided to climb the 20 ft high fences not once or twice but three times. Following the climbing the fatigue was beginning but the adrenaline denied my body any rest. Off it went running back down the hill in the rain and cold. Leaping over the same trash cans until finally coming to stop at my back door.

Soaked, cold, and breathing heavier than ever before my body finally released control back to my brain. I went inside, through my drenched clothes into the washer and laid nude on my bed wondering what had just happened. Jeckyll and Hyde? Possibly. All I know is that I love adrenaline.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Playing Hooky

I'm playing hooky from work today. So in place of something well written and witty I'm going to show you some pictures I took this past Sunday while attending my very first Renaissance Faire.
I will say this... there are some spectacular women at these attending these things in corsets.
So yeah I felt a little out of place not being dressed up in period garb. So I bought a big fucking war hammer and strapped it to my back. It's a gorgeous hammer made out of Cherry. It's now hanging above my bar.

Monday, October 24, 2005

"I've lost everything"

"My house, my clothes, my medical records, everything I owned to that storm." said the old man sitting next to me in the poker room at Harrah's in Atlantic City. He was from Mississippi and was enjoying retired life when Hurricane Katrina decided to roll on through his town and take everything with it. He was suddenly homeless with nothing but the clothes on his back and whatever money he had in his bank account. The Red Cross gave him a change of clothing and $200 and he decided to go to Atlantic City.

"Drinks, cocktails anyone?" said the waitress with the bulging busoms as she paraded around the poker table early this Saturday morning. "I'll have a bloddy mary!" slurred the old man from Mississippi. "A virgin bloddy mary sir coming right up" and off she went to fetch the old guy his drink. I had just been dealt a Jack and a 5 and called the bet. The old man was in the hand too. The flop comes out as a 6, 10, and a queen. No help for me but the old man bets quick. So I raised him. He shoots me a look and we continue playing. The turn card is a 5 I now have a pair of 5's, nothing on this table really but I'm going to play it. The old man bets again and again I raise him. Another look at me and we continue. The river card comes up and it's a King. Like clockwork the old man bets again and again I raise him. Ever one else still in the hand folds. It's now heads up with me and him. The bet is to him he can call my pair of 5's or raise me which would have scared me out of the hand. "I don't know what you have but I'm thinking you got me in this hand, I'm out." and he leans over to show me a pair of 6's as he's folding. I take a look at the huge pot I just won and smile at him. I show him and only him my Jack, 5 and he looks dejected. I took close to $60 off of him in this hand alone and he would have won if he had called me. Instead I outplayed him and he knows it. The young buck beating the old. "You tickled me just enough to take the last bit of money I had. I'm left with nothing now." he snorts. "No sir, I just played poker" as I sat there counting all of my chips and drinking hot chocolate.

Friday, October 21, 2005


Imagine your in a boat
on a lake
and half baked

The sky is turning
your loins are burning
screwing that chick
was your first mistake.

When you first met her
you liked her sweater
as it was cold outside

but when you laid down beside her
and kissed her vaginer
you couldn't help but go inside

no rubber was needed
she said onto you
but before you knew it
you were shooting goo

so now you are here
afloat in a boat
thinking to yourself
"What would Chachi do?"

Now see thats absolute nonsense wrapped in a pretty plain existance.

But that's not the only show in town now kiddies, Peach Fuzz Ticket has debuted!

Thursday, October 20, 2005


An HNT review by request. UPDATED!

The inbox today had a request.

k o w,

Can you post your past HNT pics again for those of us just catching your blog?

-(name withheld upon request)

Well certainly my dear. If there's one thing I try to do it's please my readers. The tongue gets posted tonight.

nip/tuck quotes I like

I watch nip/tuck not just for the great sex scenes but for the writing. I've been told I sometimes act just like Christian Troy from the show. Who knew? So here's a couple of my favorites.

Kimberly Henry: I don't understand this! I haven't heard from him since my operation. It thought that we were gonna be together.
Sean McNamara: Ms. Henry, I think you're confusing Dr. Troy's pleasant and very thorough bedside manner with real emotions.
Liz Winters: If it's any consolation to ya, honey, you're not the first girl he's done this to, but at least you got a good set of tits out of it, so heal in more ways than one and just go on with your life.

Christian Troy: I think I work better on women I've screwed. Once you've seen a woman's cumface, you've seen her soul.

HNT Update:
Picture of the tongue coming up tonight unless I get more votes for another body part.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Hurricane Sex?

With Wilma getting ready to kick Florida in the balls I wonder how many babies will be born in 9 months? And if anyone will name their baby Wilma?

On another note I'm not sure if there will be a HNT post tommorow. I know that sucks but coming up with a body to show is getting tough. Suggestions are again being taken.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Ever ride the worm?

Now drag your minds out of the gutter! I'm talking about that toy worm everyone seemed to have in their backyard in the 70's and 80's. Hasbro's Inch Worm riding toy! You knew you were the coolest toddler on the block when riding this bad boy. Screw the other kids and their plastic tired big wheels. You went at your own pace with a worm between your legs. You and your friend loved riding the worm and would frequently ride each others worms. You probably named your worm. Maybe you called it Mel, or Booboo. Maybe you called it Dick. You and your worm riding friends would ride your worms behind bushes where you would experiment with curse words you saw on Bugs Bunny like "Ass" and "Jackass". Oh those were the days weren't they? Your now remembering how much you enjoyed riding your worm, knodding your head up and down in that rhythmic motion you remember so well. Isn't it funny how somethings never change?

Changed by a Woman

Working on cars is something we excel at here on Fuggo. We can do just about anything to a car and we're very proud of that fact.

Once upon a time we went to Pep Boys to pick up new wiper blades and an air filter. It was going to be a walk in the park. So I bought my items and decided to replace everything in the parking lot since it had just stopped raining. With the hood up I had installed the new air filter in 4 minutes. While under there I checked all of my fluids and inspected the belts, all were fine. Now onto the wiper blades. I reach out and pull the driver side one off. Easy! I then rip open the package of my shiny new blade and start the install. "Hmmmm how did that one come off? Why isn't this thing going on? Damn it! This is tough! Why I oughta! ROAR!" Now I rarely get to the boiling point. You won't find a more patient person around but this wiper blade was kicking my ass. I determined it had to be the blades fault and I decide to return it to Pep Boys after 10 minutes of fighting with it.

In the store the sales girl is kind and says "No problem". I run to the back of the store and buy the next grade up in wiper blades because it looks like it has the proper attachment. Check out again and away I go to the parking lot for round 2. "Motherf*cker!" I say to myself as this blade isn't going on either. I put on the other attachment and still this thing won't install! "Fuck, shit, motherfucker bitch, argh!!!" I scream as I'm about ready to kick my truck. "Deep breath here" I think to myself. Let's try this again and so I did. 5 minutes later I'm nearly a whimpering mess. Nearly beaten by wiper blades.

So with my tail stuck squarely between my legs I limp back into Pep Boys to ask for help. The service manager says he'll send someone out and not to worry people have problems with them all the time. So I return to my truck and wait. Next thing I know the sales girl is already installing the first blade, now the second blade. "Damn that was fast!" I say under my breath. She asks me if there would be anything else I need help with and I decline. I turn to see the entire service staff watching as the sales girl installed my wiper blades for me in just a little over 30 seconds. Yeah I won't be going to that Pep Boys anymore. Following that day I forced myself to learn everything there is to know about changing wiper blades.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Rest Stops

Have you ever had to stop at one of these little roadside conveniences to fill your belly with food and your car's tank with gas? If you have did you ever stop and just sit there for 5 minutes to people watch? Did you see that guy in the plaid shirt and wonder where he picked up his grooming habits from as you've seen wilderbeasts with better style. Ever wonder how some lonely little rest stop in the middle of f*cking no where could end up becoming the last place for you to find a Roy Rodgers restaurant? How is it that it takes you a 2 hour drive to find a decent CinnaBon? Are the teenagers in East Bumblef*ck that bored that the rest stop is now the premiere place to hang out on Saturday night? Ever wonder how Mexicans ended up in the middle of the Poconos serving pizza and Chinese food? Ever feel bad for the poor woman at the next table with the 4 kids and no husband in sight and then realize that's not make up but a black eye on her? Ever walk out of a place like that and then find yourself counting your blessings as you begin your ride home again?

I stopped in a rest stop this past Saturday night and I did all those things.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Buy This Juice!

Bolthouse Farms makes the greatest juice in the friggin' world. $3.50 a liter is completely worth the orgasm that your mouth is about to have.
To the right you see their "Green Goodness" and boy o boy is it good. It's got everything in it to make it look and sound disgusting.
Check out some of what's in this stuff:
Open Cell Chlorella
Barley Grass
Wheat Grass
and get this...

Holy crap is this stuff good. Sure it pours a disgusting, vile, spawned in the 9th circle of hell green but trust me it's good. Apples, bananas, and dragon fruit help balance out the not juicy ingredients above to make drinking this juice a pleasure, nearly better than sex.
So the next time your thirsty put down the Pepsi garbage and fill your belly with "Green Goodness" from Bolthouse Farms

The requested HNT

Because a lady always gets what she wants...

another distortion of reality

At the end the truth
Can't say this bear is fuzzy, wuzzy?

HNT requests and Haiku's

Want to see naked?
Here is your chance to request
what I show today

I'm sick like a dog people. I couldn't come up with a decent picture to post today as I feel like utter crap. So ladies and gentlemen you make the call. Make a request on what you want to see. Ask for anything but my penis. No penis pictures. It's not going to happen. No matter how many emails I get or comments I receive no penis for you. You'll have to buy me dinner to maybe get a glance and that does not mean you can order Papa John's pizza to my house if you have my address. That has worked in the past but no more now.

Yes long before Half Nekkid Thursdays we here at Fuggo were rocking out haiku's on Thursdays. Look here for verification. I've always enjoyed the challenge this form brings with it and I hope to carry on with them over at another site I will be setting up with a fellow blogger in the coming weeks.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

What "k o w" means

Many of you have asked via email, comments, carrier pigeon, and smoke signal the question
"What does k o w stand for?"

Well it stands for Keg O'War. It's a play on Man O' War. Back when I thought I had some artistic talent I used to draw a comic about a robot built out of a keg of beer. Named it the Keg O'War. The comic was circulated mainly at rock shows in the Philly, NYC, and Baltimore areas by people who would request copies of them. I didn't mind it getting around as it was free exposure and back then I was all for sharing my work.

The first version I ever drew was literally on a bar napkin. I was 17 and getting served for the first time in a bar. Drunk off my ass and bored since no one was talking to me in the bar I asked for a pencil and started drawing. This to the left is what I came up with. Pretty shitty huh?Yeah I agree. Anyway the beer bot went on for about 14 issues until I pulled the plug.

In the years since I've had a trademark issued on the character and have used it as a name for anything I do online. XBox Live, Blogger, hell everything.

So there you have it. Big ups to the crew over at the Wicked Truth .
They were able to figure out the convuluted web that was
k o w.
FUGGO is now going on sabbatical.

Artsy Fartsy not Available

As the title states "Artsy Fartsy" is not available for a blog name. Neither is "Route 13". So I'm leaving it up to you the readers to name it. The site will be for nothing more than sharing your work along with mine which means I'll be looking for people to work on it with me. Photos, poems, short stories, and yes the return of my Haiku's.

If interested in contributing send an email entitled "Peach Fuzz Ticket" to

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

BP in BC

She made me do this
with an inquisitive eye
a public challenge of sorts
who am I to ask why

For many a year now
I've been writng and performing
While this may come as a shock
It's really quite boring

Under the the lights
and up on a stage
There's just one rule
Shirt black, pants beige

Spinning tales for others to hear
as they sit there sipping beer
looking at my fine little rear
it's all rather clear


The drinks are free
because theres little pay
if any
but this is my way

To share with others
with you over there
wherever you are reading this
playing with your hair

I have never been one to
put this stuff out there
in print
for others to read
but what the hell
like I said
I'm still drinking for free.

k o w performs
once in awhile
in a town they call Philly
being himself
which some say
is silly

Making an ass of yourself
is actually very fun
this rhyming is getting old
this post is well done.

You've Won Meat

Phone rings 8:05 am
Yes may I speak to (k o w)?
Yes sir I'm calling in regards to a contest you've won...
No thanks.
Sir you did attend the Oktoberfest at (local German club) did you not?
Yes, Yes I did.
Well sir your name was selected and you've won a prize.
Your kidding me right?
Oh no sir, do you remember the wheel of meat?
Yeah that was awesome, I won knockwurst.
Well you've won the grand prize from Schultz Meats.
Your kidding me, awesome.
Yes sir you've won an assortment of the finest prepared meats we offer.
Knockwurst, Bratwurst, German Bologna and some more.
What do I need to do?
Just provide me with an address and it will be shipped today.
(Address provided)
Okay sir enjoy your meat.
I will try.

So now my house is going to smell like a Bavarian butcher shop for the next week. And I couldn't be happier.

Monday, October 10, 2005

The Early Monday Post Teaserific Smorgabourd of Fun.

I've been reading alot of blog posts recently about people's love for their kitty. Well here's a video your sure to enjoy. Click here.

This is Monday's short post. As soon as this Dayquil kicks in I'll tell you how I really feel about Cherry Garcia ice cream from Ben and Jerrys and the skunk in my back yard who ripped all my trash apart to get to it.

I'll also tell you what it's like to drink a beer 3 years older than I am!

Ever had Mushroom soup in the mushroom capital of the world? I did this weekend in Kennett Square, PA and I'll tell you about it sooner or later!

Ooh baby. This is some hot ass tea. Meds are kicking in already.

Friday, October 07, 2005

People please...

Quit releasing your Burmese pythons into the Everglades. All they do is eat 6 foot alligators and then explode. Are you going to clean up this mess?

Happy Friday

Did I ever mention how much I love Maxim magazine?

Well I do.

It's the best reading monthly I've ever read.
The pictures of B and C list celebrity babes doesn't hurt either.

This blog was long overdue for boobies. I will take reader submissions too.

EDIT: I deleted Jennifer Love Hewitt. She just doesn't do it for me anymore. Sure her boobs are great but honestly that's about it. Everything else about her annoys me and I can't say exactly why. I haven't seen her new show yet where she's talking to dead people so that can't be it.

Message Saved

This time Sunday morning my buddy will be landing in Kuwait. There he'll be until he and his unit go into Iraq to relieve the men and women who are already there. He'll be there 16 months.

We traded phone messages all of last week just missing one another on the line. I saved his messages and I don't know why. When we finally got ahold of each other we spoke for over an hour bullshitting the entire time.I'm going to speak to him again for sure. Maybe I just wanted to keep some form of him over on these shores with the saved messages.
This is the first fight he's going to be in without me covering his back and him covering mine. And we've been in alot of fights. Iraq can't be tougher than the neighborhood we grew up in can it?

I can't begin to describe the size of the lump in my throat right now as I type this.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

HNT: 10/6/05

"Are you sitting and thinking or shitting and stinking?"

Today's HNT doesn't feature the amount of skin of last weeks edition but it does feature the now famous Mickey tie. Plus I think it's funny. Enjoy.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Subway's Chicken Parmesan Sandwich Review

It's the messiest piece of shit sandwich I've ever laid my grubby paws on. I've got a red splash stain on my favorite silk yellow tie (the one from Disney with little Mickey silouettes) thanks to this sandwich. And it didn't taste good either. It tasted like shit. In fact all of their food tastes like shit now that their product has stained my lovely tie.

Oh shit....

The sandwich was only $4. I gave the guy a $20 and I just discovered a $20 in my pocket accompanied by a $5 bill and a $1. That cashier goofed with my change. It's like a Community Chest card from Monopoly that states "Subway cashier error in your favor, collect $6." They paid me to eat their shitty sandwich and with the extra $6 I'm taking the tie right now to the dry cleaner across the street from my office to get it cleaned.

Boy that worked out.

To Sleep with a Professor?

I scheduled a meeting to meet up with one of my professors last night after class. She's young, sort of attractive in a bookwormish kind of way, and smart. Over the first 3 weeks of class she's been flirting with me whenever she gets the chance. When we're in the lab she reaches around me bumping into me "by accident" while giving me a coy little smile.

I scheduled the meeting to actually go over some formulas I've been having some problems with. So I showed up at her office and she led me in. Now in her office she has a desk, a table with 3 chairs, and a love seat. Instead of going to sit at the table she tells me to have a seat on the couch. "Okay" and I go sit down. As I turn to look at her she's letting her hair down. Now I'm thinking that this won't be my normal tutor session. Hmmmm. She comes over and sits down next to me and asks me what she can help me with. I turn to a page in my text and away we go running chemical formulas for the next half hour. Constantly we're rubbing up against one another and we both know it. I'm thinking I should just throw the book across the room and give it to her right there on the couch. But I didn't. I started thinking what could possibly happen if I start f*cking one of my professors? You hear about female students sleeping with male professors but never the other way around.

So do I try and sleep my way to a good grade or actually do the work and earn whatever grade I get? I could always sleep with her after the semester.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Silver = 25

Today is a friend's 25th wedding anniversary so I asked him what was the secret? His response "On your wedding night get drunk and stay drunk." Now maybe he was playing to the audience as he knows how much I enjoy a good brew but his statement left a smell behind of nothing but the truth.

Now if you know me in person or have read my thoughts and comments elsewhere you know my thoughts on marriage these days. In my short time on this planet I've seen more marriages fail than survive. Maybe they've been bad examples. Maybe they just didn't give it all that they had, who knows? But the thing is that they all ended.

Is marriage even worth it? Like Kelly Monaco said a couple of weeks ago on Howard Stern about why she hasn't married the guy she's been with for 14 years..."Why fix something that ain't broke?" I've been saying that for years! Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. Perfectly happy while living in "sin" all these years. Marriage it seems only fucks things up. Am I wrong?

My buddy got married 5 years ago and I was his best man. At the time he was completely in love he told me and wanted to marry her. I even stopped him on the steps heading into the chapel to ask him if he still wanted to do it and he said yes. So I stood by him as he said those vows thinking that maybe he was actually meaning these things he was saying. It all seemed like it could work. Marriage actually looked half decent!
He called me 4 weeks ago to tell me he was getting a divorce for various reasons. Most of the things he said were things I could see coming long before he ever put the ring on her finger. Now he wants to get a quick divorce so he can marry somebody else. I'll stand by him again, that's what friends do. But this time I'm going to ask him twice while walking up the chapel steps if he knows what he's doing. Or maybe I should just get him drunk and lock him in a room that day with a hooker.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Talking Scents

I've been working these wrestling shows for the last 2 1/2 years and something really hit me this weekend after back to back shows, pro wrestling fans look and smell bad. You have these slobs so reeking of B.O. that it literally sickens me. I normally wear gloves when doing the pat downs at the beginning of the night to protect me from the sweat and food droppings that these people wear but I'm not sure if they did any good this weekend. Waking up today I discovered I have a decent little fever running and I'm sure I picked it up from one of the disgusting fans.

The stench is the thing. Each of these fans bring a unique scent with them whether it be dorito's and weed or pickles and orange soda. Gather 1,000 of them into a small space with little ventilation and you have a clusterfuck of odors never before smelled anywhere on this planet. They create their own atmosphere which permeates into your psyche so much that it tortures you all the way from NYC to at least exit 7 on the Jersey Turnpike. I got home and had to do a load of wash immediately just to save my clothes from the stench.

Thank goodness I wash with Old Spice High Endurance body wash. It removed the scent of these disgusting pigs as soon as I began to lather it up in the shower. By the way I can't tell you how many compliments I get on this stuff. People are always telling me how great I smell. In fact I don't even really wear cologne anymore. This stuff does the job admirably.

So in closing wrestling fans stink and I smell great.