Just a couple of quotes I was lucky enough to hear this morning while picking up my disgusting green juice,
"Can I get a half pound of jumbo shrimp?"
"That'll equate to about 5 shrimp"
"Ok then make it 6."
"I love this sausage, but it's too hot in my mouth."
Woman on cell phone in line..."Tom Cruise's girlfriend is ugly, I know she's pregnant but she's still ugly."
"I need more Q-Tips."
"You can't stuff your bird after you've brined it."
"$3.50 for a bottle of juice?"
"You haven't tried it yet with vodka."
"At 7am?"
"Especially at 7am."
Ok so that last one was me and the checkout lady.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Haha
I'll have an original post for you soon, until then...
A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.
A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"
"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.
"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either." The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies?"
Thanks MAXIM
A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.
A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"
"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.
"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either." The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies?"
Thanks MAXIM
Friday, November 18, 2005
Not Broken
X-rays show no fractures but the pain persists. With each step a sharp reminder courses it's way through the sternum causing a millisecond of paralysis. "Sometimes sprains are worse than actual fractures" mentions the doctor. Longer to heal and often more painful they can completely ruin a routine you've worked hard on to establish. Plenty of ice is recommended.
Healing will be difficult. Especially since there will be no pain meds taken and the body part injured is in constant motion. Sure the doctor called the patient an idiot for not taking them but he's known the patient since he was 4 years old, he has that right. He's written a prescription just in case the patient comes to his senses and quits trying to be "muy macho". But the patient doesn't comply even though he knows he can't go on like this unless he gets some serious R&R soon.
Of course against doctor's orders and common sense he went out last night and played goalie for his hockey club taking about 16 shots directly to the injured rib cage. Knees buckling from time to time as the pain felt like a hot burning knife being thrust deep into his chest. The crowd assembled knew of the injury and cheered on the goalie as he made save after save. It was adrenaline and sheer stupidity that kept him on his feet as he led the squad to victory.
8-10 weeks for full recovery.
6-8 weeks left in the regular season.
Recovery is going to have to wait.
Healing will be difficult. Especially since there will be no pain meds taken and the body part injured is in constant motion. Sure the doctor called the patient an idiot for not taking them but he's known the patient since he was 4 years old, he has that right. He's written a prescription just in case the patient comes to his senses and quits trying to be "muy macho". But the patient doesn't comply even though he knows he can't go on like this unless he gets some serious R&R soon.
Of course against doctor's orders and common sense he went out last night and played goalie for his hockey club taking about 16 shots directly to the injured rib cage. Knees buckling from time to time as the pain felt like a hot burning knife being thrust deep into his chest. The crowd assembled knew of the injury and cheered on the goalie as he made save after save. It was adrenaline and sheer stupidity that kept him on his feet as he led the squad to victory.
8-10 weeks for full recovery.
6-8 weeks left in the regular season.
Recovery is going to have to wait.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
HNT, Football with Dad
Yup that's yours truly throwing a ball to the guy who taught me how.Happy HNT everyone.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Office Zoo
"We have a bug in our office, it's big and it's flying around. We need your help."
Being the young male of the species it is my duty to protect the females of my group from the dangers of the outside world including yucky things with 6 legs and antennae. The few older males in our enclosure have long retired to their offices to a life of paperwork and quiet observation of the world outside of their cages/offices. So when I heard the distress of the females I ran over to help them. As I walked into their part of the enclosure they were all hooting and hollering, pointing at the intruder currently walking along the wall. "Kill it, destroy, slaughter" they called out. But being that we were all stuck here in this zoo it probably meant that so was this bug. So I took a cup and simply placed it over the insect. A little shake and it fell right into the cup ready for transport out of our enclosure. "Aren't you going to kill it?" asked one of the females? "No" I responded, "I'm going to let it go outside so that it can have a chance to escape. It doesn't have to work, it doesn't have to pay bills, it doesn't have to come running to the aid of the female members of his species every 45 seconds. All he has to do is eat, drink, shit, and fuck. And when he's not doing that he's flying. Going wherever the hell he wants when he wants. I cannot take that away from him, in fact I'm a little jealous."
With that last snort I walked out of the enclosure with my hand covering the top of the cup. I went to the roof and released the bug back into the urban wild. When I returned to my cage I was back on observation for all to see, only now with a hint of silver on my back.
Being the young male of the species it is my duty to protect the females of my group from the dangers of the outside world including yucky things with 6 legs and antennae. The few older males in our enclosure have long retired to their offices to a life of paperwork and quiet observation of the world outside of their cages/offices. So when I heard the distress of the females I ran over to help them. As I walked into their part of the enclosure they were all hooting and hollering, pointing at the intruder currently walking along the wall. "Kill it, destroy, slaughter" they called out. But being that we were all stuck here in this zoo it probably meant that so was this bug. So I took a cup and simply placed it over the insect. A little shake and it fell right into the cup ready for transport out of our enclosure. "Aren't you going to kill it?" asked one of the females? "No" I responded, "I'm going to let it go outside so that it can have a chance to escape. It doesn't have to work, it doesn't have to pay bills, it doesn't have to come running to the aid of the female members of his species every 45 seconds. All he has to do is eat, drink, shit, and fuck. And when he's not doing that he's flying. Going wherever the hell he wants when he wants. I cannot take that away from him, in fact I'm a little jealous."
With that last snort I walked out of the enclosure with my hand covering the top of the cup. I went to the roof and released the bug back into the urban wild. When I returned to my cage I was back on observation for all to see, only now with a hint of silver on my back.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
The same amazement
We're in a better position for listening.
Far too often we neglect them for reasons not warranted.
drunk
sick
forgetful
past their time.
But take a moment
simply ask about
a favorite childhood past time
and find out just how much you have in common.
Both of you climbed trees
and remember the simple freedom
the act afforded.
Both remember their first kiss
the feeling of sand in between your toes
the moment you finally were able to ride a bike
where the great milkshakes were made
swedish fish
hitting the first homerun
and the sadness of when
someone moved away
riding the bus for the first time
alone
the pretty brunette that first caught your eye
how difficult it was too make sense of it all
at the time
and just how difficult it is today
to do the same
so listen
then realize they did it
60 years before you did
4,000 miles away
Far too often we neglect them for reasons not warranted.
drunk
sick
forgetful
past their time.
But take a moment
simply ask about
a favorite childhood past time
and find out just how much you have in common.
Both of you climbed trees
and remember the simple freedom
the act afforded.
Both remember their first kiss
the feeling of sand in between your toes
the moment you finally were able to ride a bike
where the great milkshakes were made
swedish fish
hitting the first homerun
and the sadness of when
someone moved away
riding the bus for the first time
alone
the pretty brunette that first caught your eye
how difficult it was too make sense of it all
at the time
and just how difficult it is today
to do the same
so listen
then realize they did it
60 years before you did
4,000 miles away
Friday, November 11, 2005
It's Not Gay
When playing defense in hockey there are many things a player can do to clear the front of the net.
1.)You can simply take the puck and clear it out of the zone forcing the opposing player to leave.
2.)You can fall down in front of the referee and have the opposing player called for a penalty forcing him to leave the playing surface for 2 minutes.
3.) You can scream really loudly in his ear until he can't take it anymore and just leaves your area. Ok we haven't actually used that one but we've seen little girls do it at a basketball game with great success.
4.) You can hit the guy repeatedly until you break one of his bones, knock him out, he starts to cry, or you get put into the penalty box for roughing.
5.) And finally you can grab the guy's ass or cock through his pants.
Now hear us out. That's not being gay, that's playing a smart game of defensive hockey. What guy is going to want to stand in front of you in a game with you repeatedly grabbing his ass? None that we know. What kind of player is going to enjoy the reach around your giving him in front of the net? Nobody.
By employing this strategy of grabbing another player's genitalia you are beating him mentally. He will think twice before going into the boards with you for the puck. If he's a homophobe he might even try to fight you at which point you just back off and let the referee put him in the penalty box for 5 minutes while you go ahead and score goal after goal on his team.
1.)You can simply take the puck and clear it out of the zone forcing the opposing player to leave.
2.)You can fall down in front of the referee and have the opposing player called for a penalty forcing him to leave the playing surface for 2 minutes.
3.) You can scream really loudly in his ear until he can't take it anymore and just leaves your area. Ok we haven't actually used that one but we've seen little girls do it at a basketball game with great success.
4.) You can hit the guy repeatedly until you break one of his bones, knock him out, he starts to cry, or you get put into the penalty box for roughing.
5.) And finally you can grab the guy's ass or cock through his pants.
Now hear us out. That's not being gay, that's playing a smart game of defensive hockey. What guy is going to want to stand in front of you in a game with you repeatedly grabbing his ass? None that we know. What kind of player is going to enjoy the reach around your giving him in front of the net? Nobody.
By employing this strategy of grabbing another player's genitalia you are beating him mentally. He will think twice before going into the boards with you for the puck. If he's a homophobe he might even try to fight you at which point you just back off and let the referee put him in the penalty box for 5 minutes while you go ahead and score goal after goal on his team.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Sometimes....
...I like to tell people on Scrabble online that they just lost to a 12 year old.
...I will wonder what the process of turning pure orange juice into concentrate is?
...I will run up a slide and slide down the steps.
...I think to myself that maybe for once I will have liver with onions for dinner with brussel sprouts on the side. And then I will tell everyone it was fabulous even though it wasn't.
...I like to make up new words, like fuggo. And then I find out it's actually used in Italian.
...I will eat sushi, and sometimes I will throw it at the cats in the neighborhood with plenty of wassabi on it.
...I wonder if a post like this is inspired by the king of all eyebrows Andy Rooney.
...I wonder why he isn't featured on a t-shirt somewhere with the words "Will fuck for the truth" on it.
...I will go to Dunkin Donuts and ask for a dozen. And then walk out while the clerk is picking them out.
...I will think that that is a real prick move.
...I will want to go bungie jumping.
...I will instead jump off of the deck into the pool and say to myself "mission accomplished."
...I will write the goofiest piece of prose I can think up and never show it to anyone.
...I will say "Aww shit I just blogged it"
...I will wonder what the process of turning pure orange juice into concentrate is?
...I will run up a slide and slide down the steps.
...I think to myself that maybe for once I will have liver with onions for dinner with brussel sprouts on the side. And then I will tell everyone it was fabulous even though it wasn't.
...I like to make up new words, like fuggo. And then I find out it's actually used in Italian.
...I will eat sushi, and sometimes I will throw it at the cats in the neighborhood with plenty of wassabi on it.
...I wonder if a post like this is inspired by the king of all eyebrows Andy Rooney.
...I wonder why he isn't featured on a t-shirt somewhere with the words "Will fuck for the truth" on it.
...I will go to Dunkin Donuts and ask for a dozen. And then walk out while the clerk is picking them out.
...I will think that that is a real prick move.
...I will want to go bungie jumping.
...I will instead jump off of the deck into the pool and say to myself "mission accomplished."
...I will write the goofiest piece of prose I can think up and never show it to anyone.
...I will say "Aww shit I just blogged it"
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Raisins, Raisins, Raisins
Sung to the tune of "Rawhide"
Raisins, Raisins, Raisins
Love me some of those raisins
Gotta eat some raisins,
Raisins!
Small, tiny and juicy
king of all thats fruity
Raisins!
Pick em' up, eat them now
eat them now, pick em' up
pick em' up, eat them now
Raisins!
eat them up, bowels clean now
bowels clean now, eat them up
eat them up, bowels clean now
Raisins!
Raisins, Raisins, Raisins
Keep you healthy when shittin'
keeping atoms from splittin'
Raisins!
Keeps your poopy flowin'
and your other fluids goin'
Raisins!
Raisins!
This post is dedicated to WDKY and his love of raisins that inspired me at lunch today.
Raisins, Raisins, Raisins
Love me some of those raisins
Gotta eat some raisins,
Raisins!
Small, tiny and juicy
king of all thats fruity
Raisins!
Pick em' up, eat them now
eat them now, pick em' up
pick em' up, eat them now
Raisins!
eat them up, bowels clean now
bowels clean now, eat them up
eat them up, bowels clean now
Raisins!
Raisins, Raisins, Raisins
Keep you healthy when shittin'
keeping atoms from splittin'
Raisins!
Keeps your poopy flowin'
and your other fluids goin'
Raisins!
Raisins!
This post is dedicated to WDKY and his love of raisins that inspired me at lunch today.
Monday Night Ice Cream
There you are.
Looking at me back at me from the freezer of my local food store.
Inviting me to take you in my grasp.
Open you up.
And plunge my spoon into your sweet, creamy goodness.
I know your no good for me but I can't help it.
I have to have you.
In milkshake form.
Monday, November 07, 2005
X-Mas
Yeah it's that time of year already. My neighbor was wrapping the garland around his railing this morning as I walked out the door. The red bows were already in place and the lights he assured me would be up by this evening.
Huh?
It's November 7th people. November frigging 7th and this fucker is in the holiday spirit already.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Once upon a time...
Once upon a time there was a ferret named Floppy who loved to play rugby with his friends when he wasn't chasing rats out of the sewers in London. Floppy was your average happy go lucky kind of ferret without a worry in the world, until he met Jethro. Jethro was a bad ferret who liked nothing more than sitting around eating the discards from pharmaceutical shops on the lower west side. He convinced Floppy to try some of the discards and Floppy enjoyed them immensely becoming addicted to them. Floppy soon became anything but floppy. He couldn't understand why his chub chub was always very stout. His popularity with the female ferrets increased as they couldn't get enough of his new chub chub. Floppy kept on eating the discards until one day his chub chub began to become really painful. Floppy went to see Dr. Minky who decided he had to cut Floppy's chub chub to release the pressure built up inside. Now Floppy can't play with the girl ferrets or rugby. Moral of the story is never take pharmaceutical discards that will make your chub chub popular or you'll never get to be in a scrum again.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Bliss?
It usually will hit me as I'm standing in the middle of a remote creek somewhere with a rod and reel in my hand.
You hear nothing but the water running and the birds chirping.
The horse I rode to the location is on the bank quietly sipping water.
All around is serenity.
Nature in the raw.
The smell of lavender running wild as dusk approaches.
Out in the distance thunder rolls.
You hear nothing but the water running and the birds chirping.
The horse I rode to the location is on the bank quietly sipping water.
All around is serenity.
Nature in the raw.
The smell of lavender running wild as dusk approaches.
Out in the distance thunder rolls.
Dare me? Post Lunch Update
Look what I picked up this morning. You know it's going to be the nastiest thing ever done to a liquid from a cow's utter. But in the interest of science and everything that is decent in this world I will drink it. I'm doing it for you the reader. Because I love you all and I know you will all chip in when the medical bills start rolling in after my visit to the hospital to have my stomach pumped clean of this beverage spawned in the 9th circle of Hell.
Pray for me.
UPDATE
Great god what the hell have they unleashed upon the world. This stuff has got to be the sweetest, thickest dairy product ever.
It pours a dark brown with the viscosity of thin sludge. On the palate it wraps around your sense of taste and constricts it until your able to save your tongue with water. The aftertaste is rank. I didn't taste Milky Way in it at all. In fact I went and grabbed a couple of Mily Way bars out of the office halloween bin and they kicked the milks ass taste wise.
So in conclusion if you dig super sweet chocolate milk this is the stuff for you. But I warn you there's no discernable Milky Way-ness about it.
___________________________________
In other news this one's for my main squeeze Miss M.
She's never heard of a beet before. How that happened I haven't a clue. I used the word in Scrabble the other night online and she challenged and lost. So just to prove that beets actually exist here's a couple of photos.
Enjoy them loser.
Beets, they're good for your Scrabble game.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
HNT, it'll be here
So I fell asleep early last night and didn't have time to put up a pic. So here's one of me at paintball from my Flickr album to hold the spot.
Look I know it sucks but look at what you can find out about me from this pic. I have a great ass even in camoflauge pants!
This is a piss poor HNT I know. You see more of my wash than of me. Trust me it'll be better next week. As it will be another you request it I show it week.
I'm such a slut.
Look I know it sucks but look at what you can find out about me from this pic. I have a great ass even in camoflauge pants!
This is a piss poor HNT I know. You see more of my wash than of me. Trust me it'll be better next week. As it will be another you request it I show it week.
I'm such a slut.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Play this Game
It's called Chicken Fling.
Developed by a buddy of mine I have found it to be challenging in ways that flinging a chicken shouldn't be. It's tough but rewarding once you get a handle on it.
Developed by a buddy of mine I have found it to be challenging in ways that flinging a chicken shouldn't be. It's tough but rewarding once you get a handle on it.
3
To catch up with this story if this is your first time visiting scroll down. And again I state this is a true story.
"How can I help you boys today?" asked the old man behind the counter of Gold Medal sporting goods. "We're looking for inflatable rafts." "We have a couple of them in the back, are you guys planning on going fishing?" "Sorta". Well ok you'll probably want one with rod holders and..." "No we just need the smallest raft you have." "Why so small?" asked the now very inquisitive shopkeeper. "Well it needs to fit in a basement." I said back to him. "Oh I see you guys are going fishing in your basement, that should be lots of fun. I had many adventures in my basement as a young boy. Why I remember....." The old man yarned on for 20 minutes nonstop while showing me and my buddy a variety of inflatable rafts. We ended up buying the 2 man raft as we figured there was no way we were going to send a guy into the flooded basement of the theater by himself.
The plan was simple. We were going back into that building and mapping it all out no matter what shrieked at us. We were young, stupid, and bored and this place had just way too many possibilities as a clubhouse to let a stupid ghost bring us down.
It was decided to go back in Tuesday morning. 2 teams of 4 each. One team's mission was to
explore the basement as best as possible. The other team was to explore the upstairs again except this time we had cutting edge technology, the Fisher Price PXL2000 video camera for kids! We were going to catch the ghost on video and become millionaires! Oh yes thanks to one of our buddies parents spoiling the hell out of him we were now outfitted with gear to match the best ghosthunters around. Not only did we have the camera this time though but we also outfitted ourselves with weapons. Who knew what we would find in the basement so we each carried with us some form of weaponary just in case. BB guns, pocket knives, even a 
small sledge hammer, who do you think carried that? We went to the local parish and bought 3 vials of holy water to carry with us and to bless the weapons. We were all set now. We had the power of God behind us along with the newest technology, nothing could stop us.
We arrived at the building with duffle bags full. One by one we entered through the hatch in the air vent. Once inside we set up a base camp. As 3 of us took guard duty the rest of us took turns blowing up the raft. The building was quiet except for a couple of birds near the hole in the roof above the stage. Once inflated we carried the raft across the theater floor to the door leading to the staircase. "The door is closed guys." "It can't be, we placed that big ass cinder block next to it last time we were in there, it couldn't be closed." But sure enough it was. The door sat there silently mocking us, daring us to open it once again to reveal the pathway where suddenly we were all having second thoughts about treading into. "Let's do this." and with that we opened the door. Inside the stairway was as dark as ever. The kid with the hammer drove nails into the door securing it against the wall. It was an idea he picked up from a game of Dungeons and Dragons once. The basement team dragged the raft down the steps while the team set for upstairs readied the camera and tape recorder we had brought along with us.
The basement team was all set. The raft was in the water and floating. 2 of the guys hopped in while the other 2 secured the boat with clothesline to make sure they could pull them back in a hurry. Meanwhile upstairs the other group ascended the steps now very slowly. Three flashlights pointed straight ahead as the camera rolled. Again the temperature lowered as they walked down the hallway. In a couple of the rooms more writing was found on the walls. Nothing of significance really except that they were all written in red, maybe with a marker. We wandered between the rooms in total quiet looking for clues to the building's past but not finding any. When we came to the room now known as "Edward's" we stopped. The camera had stopped working. We all looked a little puzzled. We turned it off and turned it back on and it booted right back up. As we walked into the room again it shut down. Now we're freaked. We knew it wasn't batteries as we had put fresh ones in. Once again we rebooted the camera and went into the room. The mattress was there along with the Bible in the corner. Nothing happened out of the ordinary. We started to walk out of the room when we heard the basement crew running up the steps yelling. We were all for running at this point and met them at the landing in the stairs. They had heard something moving in the basement waters and it wasn't them. The guys on the stairs dragged them back and they all hauled ass upstairs fully convinced that whatever was in the water was coming after them. It was just then when we heard at the bottom of the steps that sound you hear as someone exits water. Zoom! It was again another foot race to the air vent hatch. Each guy trying to out race the others. Running across the main theater area felt like running a mile. We reached our gear and started grabbing all of it. A couple of us flashed our lights towards the door to the stairway. As we stood there the door closed. "Holy shit!" one of us said and that was it we were all leaving there pronto. "That door closed after being nailed open." "That was impossible!" We packed up our base camp and left the building leaving the raft behind in the basement. There wasn't one volunteer willing to go back down there to retrieve it.
In the following months we resumed playing baseball in the parking lot. None of us ever really thought about venturing inside as we were fully convinced we were not wanted in there. We did do research on the address at the local historical society. The theater was built in 1909 by an old mill owner of the area. Live acts performed there all the way up through the 20's until the theater was converted to show movies. After that there wasn't much in the old papers about the place. It would host the yearly Christmas show for the area and would take an ad in each week's edition to promote what was showing there. In the late 60's it was bought and turned into an adult theater. Discussions with people of the neighborhood revealed the thought that there was more going on in there besides sex on the screen. There was talk of the old dressing rooms upstairs being used as a brothel. Apparently the owner would give girls off the street a room to stay in as long as they worked for him. The civic association got the place closed in the late 70's and boarded it up to keep out the homeless and drug dealers that were now now becoming more and more prevalent in the neighborhood. So it stood there for 20+ years until me and my friends found that hatch and entered it.
The building was torn down in 2002. Someone said the demolition crew were shocked to find a 2 man raft in the basement. They were even more shocked when they found human remains buried in dirt in the main theater area.
The End
"How can I help you boys today?" asked the old man behind the counter of Gold Medal sporting goods. "We're looking for inflatable rafts." "We have a couple of them in the back, are you guys planning on going fishing?" "Sorta". Well ok you'll probably want one with rod holders and..." "No we just need the smallest raft you have." "Why so small?" asked the now very inquisitive shopkeeper. "Well it needs to fit in a basement." I said back to him. "Oh I see you guys are going fishing in your basement, that should be lots of fun. I had many adventures in my basement as a young boy. Why I remember....." The old man yarned on for 20 minutes nonstop while showing me and my buddy a variety of inflatable rafts. We ended up buying the 2 man raft as we figured there was no way we were going to send a guy into the flooded basement of the theater by himself.
The plan was simple. We were going back into that building and mapping it all out no matter what shrieked at us. We were young, stupid, and bored and this place had just way too many possibilities as a clubhouse to let a stupid ghost bring us down.
It was decided to go back in Tuesday morning. 2 teams of 4 each. One team's mission was to
explore the basement as best as possible. The other team was to explore the upstairs again except this time we had cutting edge technology, the Fisher Price PXL2000 video camera for kids! We were going to catch the ghost on video and become millionaires! Oh yes thanks to one of our buddies parents spoiling the hell out of him we were now outfitted with gear to match the best ghosthunters around. Not only did we have the camera this time though but we also outfitted ourselves with weapons. Who knew what we would find in the basement so we each carried with us some form of weaponary just in case. BB guns, pocket knives, even a 
small sledge hammer, who do you think carried that? We went to the local parish and bought 3 vials of holy water to carry with us and to bless the weapons. We were all set now. We had the power of God behind us along with the newest technology, nothing could stop us.We arrived at the building with duffle bags full. One by one we entered through the hatch in the air vent. Once inside we set up a base camp. As 3 of us took guard duty the rest of us took turns blowing up the raft. The building was quiet except for a couple of birds near the hole in the roof above the stage. Once inflated we carried the raft across the theater floor to the door leading to the staircase. "The door is closed guys." "It can't be, we placed that big ass cinder block next to it last time we were in there, it couldn't be closed." But sure enough it was. The door sat there silently mocking us, daring us to open it once again to reveal the pathway where suddenly we were all having second thoughts about treading into. "Let's do this." and with that we opened the door. Inside the stairway was as dark as ever. The kid with the hammer drove nails into the door securing it against the wall. It was an idea he picked up from a game of Dungeons and Dragons once. The basement team dragged the raft down the steps while the team set for upstairs readied the camera and tape recorder we had brought along with us.
The basement team was all set. The raft was in the water and floating. 2 of the guys hopped in while the other 2 secured the boat with clothesline to make sure they could pull them back in a hurry. Meanwhile upstairs the other group ascended the steps now very slowly. Three flashlights pointed straight ahead as the camera rolled. Again the temperature lowered as they walked down the hallway. In a couple of the rooms more writing was found on the walls. Nothing of significance really except that they were all written in red, maybe with a marker. We wandered between the rooms in total quiet looking for clues to the building's past but not finding any. When we came to the room now known as "Edward's" we stopped. The camera had stopped working. We all looked a little puzzled. We turned it off and turned it back on and it booted right back up. As we walked into the room again it shut down. Now we're freaked. We knew it wasn't batteries as we had put fresh ones in. Once again we rebooted the camera and went into the room. The mattress was there along with the Bible in the corner. Nothing happened out of the ordinary. We started to walk out of the room when we heard the basement crew running up the steps yelling. We were all for running at this point and met them at the landing in the stairs. They had heard something moving in the basement waters and it wasn't them. The guys on the stairs dragged them back and they all hauled ass upstairs fully convinced that whatever was in the water was coming after them. It was just then when we heard at the bottom of the steps that sound you hear as someone exits water. Zoom! It was again another foot race to the air vent hatch. Each guy trying to out race the others. Running across the main theater area felt like running a mile. We reached our gear and started grabbing all of it. A couple of us flashed our lights towards the door to the stairway. As we stood there the door closed. "Holy shit!" one of us said and that was it we were all leaving there pronto. "That door closed after being nailed open." "That was impossible!" We packed up our base camp and left the building leaving the raft behind in the basement. There wasn't one volunteer willing to go back down there to retrieve it.
In the following months we resumed playing baseball in the parking lot. None of us ever really thought about venturing inside as we were fully convinced we were not wanted in there. We did do research on the address at the local historical society. The theater was built in 1909 by an old mill owner of the area. Live acts performed there all the way up through the 20's until the theater was converted to show movies. After that there wasn't much in the old papers about the place. It would host the yearly Christmas show for the area and would take an ad in each week's edition to promote what was showing there. In the late 60's it was bought and turned into an adult theater. Discussions with people of the neighborhood revealed the thought that there was more going on in there besides sex on the screen. There was talk of the old dressing rooms upstairs being used as a brothel. Apparently the owner would give girls off the street a room to stay in as long as they worked for him. The civic association got the place closed in the late 70's and boarded it up to keep out the homeless and drug dealers that were now now becoming more and more prevalent in the neighborhood. So it stood there for 20+ years until me and my friends found that hatch and entered it.
The building was torn down in 2002. Someone said the demolition crew were shocked to find a 2 man raft in the basement. They were even more shocked when they found human remains buried in dirt in the main theater area.
The End
Monday, October 31, 2005
Part 2
For the first part of this story click here.
As our eyes adjusted we all realized where we were. All around us decay had begun to take over what appeared to be a theater. Soiled red velveteen walls, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, it was as if we had stepped back in time 60 years. The musty air inside the building was heavy thanks to the summers humidity. As we turned towards the front of the building we could see the stage area. A hole was in the roof producing the effect of a spotlight onto center stage. It was unbelievable. Complete darkness other than our lights and the hole in the roof. As we walked around we found that the seats had all been buried under dirt. You could see them just peaking through the ground on which we were walking on. We made our way to the rear of the theater to what used to be the concessions area. It was in near pristine shape. Amazing when compared to the rest of the building. With nothing in there to see we decided to head to the stage. The building had to be close to 200 yards long. Gigantic when your 14 years old.
As we neared the stage n the right hand side we noticed a closed door so we went straight for it. As we were nearing it a large crash came from behind us. Scared shitless we turned around and saw bits of roof caving in from the rear of the building. Shaken now we continued on. On the other side of the door laid a stairway. Steps led up and down so we decided to split the group up. Myself and 2 others went upstairs while the others went down.
As we turned up stairs ahead of us was the scariest looking hallway you have ever seen.
It was about 20 feet long with rooms on either side. As we walked down the hallway the temperature got colder and colder. It was July and it was feeling close to 40 degrees in there. In the third room on the left we found a mattress that hadn't been used in years and a Bible in one corner. Thoroughly freaked out the three of us just decided to get the hell out of there. Before exiting the room we saw written on the wall in red The words "Edwards Room" Well Ed you can have it and off we went. We had checked every room up there and all were empty except that room. Walking down the steps we heard the others coming up. They reported that the basement was flooded with about 3 feet of water and that they could hear something moving in it. We figured it to be rats and informed them what was upstairs. "Let's go check it out" one of the guys said and they started up the steps when all six of us heard the most blood curdling shriek from the top of the stairs. All of sudden we were all track stars running in the dark. Behind us the shrieking kept up sounding as if it was right next to us and yet far away at the same time. We all hopped through the hatch in the air handler and went straight back to my friends house all white as a ghost and winded. As we sat there discussing what had just happened we could only come up with two ideas.
1.) We have to set up a camera in the upstairs and investigate the upstairs again.
and
2.) We have to buy 2-3 inflatable rafts because we were going to explore that basement again as well.
This is just the beginning.
As our eyes adjusted we all realized where we were. All around us decay had begun to take over what appeared to be a theater. Soiled red velveteen walls, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, it was as if we had stepped back in time 60 years. The musty air inside the building was heavy thanks to the summers humidity. As we turned towards the front of the building we could see the stage area. A hole was in the roof producing the effect of a spotlight onto center stage. It was unbelievable. Complete darkness other than our lights and the hole in the roof. As we walked around we found that the seats had all been buried under dirt. You could see them just peaking through the ground on which we were walking on. We made our way to the rear of the theater to what used to be the concessions area. It was in near pristine shape. Amazing when compared to the rest of the building. With nothing in there to see we decided to head to the stage. The building had to be close to 200 yards long. Gigantic when your 14 years old.
As we neared the stage n the right hand side we noticed a closed door so we went straight for it. As we were nearing it a large crash came from behind us. Scared shitless we turned around and saw bits of roof caving in from the rear of the building. Shaken now we continued on. On the other side of the door laid a stairway. Steps led up and down so we decided to split the group up. Myself and 2 others went upstairs while the others went down.
As we turned up stairs ahead of us was the scariest looking hallway you have ever seen.
It was about 20 feet long with rooms on either side. As we walked down the hallway the temperature got colder and colder. It was July and it was feeling close to 40 degrees in there. In the third room on the left we found a mattress that hadn't been used in years and a Bible in one corner. Thoroughly freaked out the three of us just decided to get the hell out of there. Before exiting the room we saw written on the wall in red The words "Edwards Room" Well Ed you can have it and off we went. We had checked every room up there and all were empty except that room. Walking down the steps we heard the others coming up. They reported that the basement was flooded with about 3 feet of water and that they could hear something moving in it. We figured it to be rats and informed them what was upstairs. "Let's go check it out" one of the guys said and they started up the steps when all six of us heard the most blood curdling shriek from the top of the stairs. All of sudden we were all track stars running in the dark. Behind us the shrieking kept up sounding as if it was right next to us and yet far away at the same time. We all hopped through the hatch in the air handler and went straight back to my friends house all white as a ghost and winded. As we sat there discussing what had just happened we could only come up with two ideas.1.) We have to set up a camera in the upstairs and investigate the upstairs again.
and
2.) We have to buy 2-3 inflatable rafts because we were going to explore that basement again as well.
This is just the beginning.
Part 1
Because I love weaving a tale. Happy Halloween.
The building had been abandoned for years. Closed in the late 70's it had sat there for years gathering dust, mildew, and water damage. It was sealed off with cinder block covering all the entrance ways. No one could get in as far as we knew. The outside of the building had become a dumping ground for tires and garbage while becoming so grossly overgrown with weeds that the perimeter resembled a literal jungle.
We played baseball in the building's parking lot for years. It was empty and with no owners around we had built ourselves a pretty good ballfield complete with milkcrate benches and an outfield wall built out of stacked car tires in front of the north facing wall of the building. Between the tire outfield wall and the building there was a trench about 15 feet deep. In it garbage and and plants dominated. The only time anyone ever went into the trench was when a ball was knocked into there.
"Crack!" and off of the bat went the ball flying straight for the trench beyond the tire wall. Seeing how that was the only ball we had that day somebody had to go into the trench to retrieve it. I volunteered. Being the 2nd oldest kid there at 14 I hopped down the wall and went in hunt of the ball. Bashing weeds aside with my baseball bat I came up next to the building and found the ball. Looking up to throw it out I spotted something. Up the side of the building about 10 feet up was an airshaft wide open and big enough for someone to stand in. "Hey guys come here, look what I found" I shouted and soon enough me and my buddies were all in the trench building a pile of debris with which to gain access to the airshaft. Crudely constructed out of wooden skids, cinder blocks, and of course more car tires we climbed into the airshaft and discovered that there was a door inside. Try as we might we couldn't get the door to open. So we all piled out of the airshaft and went home for the day to plan how we were going to get inside that building.
The next day we showed up to the parking lot not with baseballs and bats but with crowbars and hack saws. Right into the airshaft 2 of us went while the others kept watch up above on the baseball field and in the trench below. With some effort we were able to open the hatch inside of the shaft and called everyone up. As we looked inside an incredible stench greeted us and it was jet black inside. Without a flashlight to see inside with we decided to stick a cinder block against the hatch door to keep it open while we all agreed to go home and meet back at the field in an hour equipped with gear to go exploring inside the building. Like rats we scattered into the neighborhood.
An hour later we had all returned eager to start wandering through the building. We were equipped with everything a kid needs to go exploring. Bubble gum, flashlights, clothesline for rope, and of course soda and chips for when we needed a meal. All geared up and flashlights at the ready we headed into the dark abyss of the building and turned on our flashlights to reveal something we had never expected.
To be continued tonight.... Happy Halloween.
The building had been abandoned for years. Closed in the late 70's it had sat there for years gathering dust, mildew, and water damage. It was sealed off with cinder block covering all the entrance ways. No one could get in as far as we knew. The outside of the building had become a dumping ground for tires and garbage while becoming so grossly overgrown with weeds that the perimeter resembled a literal jungle.
We played baseball in the building's parking lot for years. It was empty and with no owners around we had built ourselves a pretty good ballfield complete with milkcrate benches and an outfield wall built out of stacked car tires in front of the north facing wall of the building. Between the tire outfield wall and the building there was a trench about 15 feet deep. In it garbage and and plants dominated. The only time anyone ever went into the trench was when a ball was knocked into there.
"Crack!" and off of the bat went the ball flying straight for the trench beyond the tire wall. Seeing how that was the only ball we had that day somebody had to go into the trench to retrieve it. I volunteered. Being the 2nd oldest kid there at 14 I hopped down the wall and went in hunt of the ball. Bashing weeds aside with my baseball bat I came up next to the building and found the ball. Looking up to throw it out I spotted something. Up the side of the building about 10 feet up was an airshaft wide open and big enough for someone to stand in. "Hey guys come here, look what I found" I shouted and soon enough me and my buddies were all in the trench building a pile of debris with which to gain access to the airshaft. Crudely constructed out of wooden skids, cinder blocks, and of course more car tires we climbed into the airshaft and discovered that there was a door inside. Try as we might we couldn't get the door to open. So we all piled out of the airshaft and went home for the day to plan how we were going to get inside that building.
The next day we showed up to the parking lot not with baseballs and bats but with crowbars and hack saws. Right into the airshaft 2 of us went while the others kept watch up above on the baseball field and in the trench below. With some effort we were able to open the hatch inside of the shaft and called everyone up. As we looked inside an incredible stench greeted us and it was jet black inside. Without a flashlight to see inside with we decided to stick a cinder block against the hatch door to keep it open while we all agreed to go home and meet back at the field in an hour equipped with gear to go exploring inside the building. Like rats we scattered into the neighborhood.
An hour later we had all returned eager to start wandering through the building. We were equipped with everything a kid needs to go exploring. Bubble gum, flashlights, clothesline for rope, and of course soda and chips for when we needed a meal. All geared up and flashlights at the ready we headed into the dark abyss of the building and turned on our flashlights to reveal something we had never expected.
To be continued tonight.... Happy Halloween.
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