Beware Flying Pizza

I will be in NYC in two weeks to film a pilot for a cooking show. It'll be me and another guy in front of the camera doing something never before seen in a cooking show. We're going to cook while naked.

Actually were going to be wearing these boots that let us stick to the ceiling. We're going to be cooking everything while upside down. This way we don't get any boogers in the food. See they'll just fall back into our nasal cavity.

Seriously though the show will be filmed outside in Central Park. We'll be hunting the wild game of the park with a bow and then clean and grill whatever we get right in front of whomever walks by us.

Not joking now we will be cooking hobo style. We'll be traveling down the back alleyways of the Bronx learning to cook from the assorted bums, mental patients, hookers, and crack dealers that infest the under belly of the city. Why not cook eggs while cooking meth?

We may end up doing a show where we boil things that are meant to be fried and vice versa.

Saturday Mornings

Hacked

Call me a geek but I've got 21 games stored on my Nintendo DS right now which leads to no time to update this site. I'm addicted what can I say, fucking Soduko's or however it's spelled.

I'm currently accepting donations to the Fuggo Condo Fund. The one I want is only $225,000 right now. Not bad when you factor in the 16' high ceilings. Can you imagine the funky ass shit you could hang from a ceiling that high?

Here check it out:Imagine the parties you could attend there! Send money now and reserve your spot at the house warming party.

Beer

Kersplash!

My phone fell in the toilet.

I may or may not need your phone numbers again.

I'd say this is a shitty predicament but since there was nothing in the bowl with the Nokia I'm clear.

Surprisingly...

Your puke is green after you down alot of green beer. But your piss still remains as golden as the treasure at the end of the rainbow.

justanotherdayinthefkd three four

It was a long dark day in the east side of Pratt. Kids crowded into the local check cashing center throwing quarter after quarter into the newest version of Street Fighter while the older generation of kids, them being over 60, stood inline cashing their monthly check. They would then move from that line and into the lottery ticket line where the girl with ratty blonde hair manned the machine. The smell of fresh donuts hung in the air along with the smell of hair dye and cigarette smoke. No breeze was blowing but even if there had been one the blood from the shooting outside would never had made it inside the check cash. Some poor soul was gunned down out front, probably drug related. Takes the police 5 minutes to show up. By that time all of the know it alls of the avenue had gathered preaching to the others there that they had seen everything. Meanwhile a man laid on the ground bleeding to death. One of the boys inside the check cash forgot aout his Street Fighter game and ran outside to man. He recognized the man on the ground. He was one of the reasons his once proud neighborhood was now a haven for drugs of all kinds. He and his actions were the reason that fire happened on Buffield St killing those kids. The boy thought about all of the terror the man now lying in front of him had wrought on his streets."He deserved this." The ambulance pulls up and paramedics pour out. After 5 minutes the man is loaded up on a stretcher. The boy doesn't think about that day for another 15 years.

Schtuff

Flintstone vitamins taste like candy. Eat to many though an you'll shit a hand grenade.

Ever try typing with a thumb splint on? It's like well like this!

I made pho for the first time the other day and I'll be damned, I didn't fuck it up.

Your probably wondering what pho is, google bitches.

Someone murdered my Ionic Breeze. Wheres Orbach when you need him?

No I don't want to go to the mall. Theres better things for me to do than stand out front of a shoe store on a Saturday afternoon. You know the spot, where all the guys stand looking over the railing at the women walking by down below. Maybe just once in awhile we get some decent cleavage. Maybe.

Duke didn't fuck up my pool this year, go VCU.

The 2001: A Space Odyssey soundtrack is fucking spooky. Want it? Send me an email.

Bourbon.

Blast from the Past

I happened upon this vid by complete accident yesterday on youtube. Boy did the memories come rushing back of me sitting in front of the tv watching Sesame Street. Youtube "Classic Sesame Street" and be taken back.

Funniest Show Today

Split from China Blue

A real good friend came up to me about 6 months ago while watching me coach a peewee hockey game. She looked at me and said point blank "It'd be a shame if you don't end up someones father, you'd be so great at it." I was taken back, flabbergasted, humbled a little, and flattered. I'll be honest... since that day I have kind of taken what she said to heart. Maybe I would make a good dad afterall? Or maybe I'll stay the course and be the cool uncle like I plan.

Remember Space Invaders?

Truth

So I'm sitting there trying to study when one of the members of my team starts crying histerically. She can't take it any longer. The secrets have become too great for her to keep hidden any longer. For too long she has met with him in parking lots hopping into his ride and then fooling around with him knowing full well that he would be going back to his first love and not to her. Her, she the woman he has been seeing on the side since last summer. Her the young woman he had said he really loved all this time. She loves him so dear she goes on to say and goes so far to tell myself and the other two there about thier plan for the future.

After she gets done I respond simply "Thats what you get for fucking the Burger King."


Ladies, don't get involved with a guy who sticks his meat into the mouths of millions each day.

Curry

Sorry but I'd rather try and smear curry onto the nuts of a rabid pitbull than eat the stuff. People have tried for years to get me to eat it and each time I did it's been more revolting than the previous time.

I know the problem. The first time I ever ate anything with curry in it it was prepared by a little Irish woman I used to work with. The Irish shouldn't fuck with curry I'm guessing.

Have a good recipe involving curry please by all means paste it into a comment. Or invite my ass over and make it for me. I'll do the dishes.

2 6 5

I'm a braggard when it comes to bowling on my Wii. 265 is fucking awesome.

Sculpture

Sometimes your art may not be someone elses art. Thus I present to you the following.

Fuck Yeah!

Expensive Reunion

W: Whatever happened to her anyway?
K: Lori?
W: Yeah
K: Heard she moved to Florida after marrying that 40 year old religous guy.
W: No that was Chris.
K: Oh yeah, then it was definitely Anne.
W: No, she actually ended up having three kids with two different guys. Her man kicked her out of the house when the third child came out alot darker than he was.
K: Say what?
W: He obviously wasn't the daddy since the kid came out with a "natural tan."
K: That's fucked up, was it the other Lori?
W: Nope she drives a truck now. Everytime she comes through town here she calls me up for coffee. Her truck is nice.
K: You fucked her in it didn't you.
W: Nah, ever smell the inside of a truck?
K: No why?
W: Trust me when I say it's not something that will be bottled up anytime soon.
K: Well I don't know what happened to her.
W: Oh well.

Five hours later at the Crazy Horse Too!

W: Well what do you know.
K: What?
W: That stripper in the corner.
K: On the pole?
W: Yeah, upside down, it's fucking Lori.
K: That's fucked up.
W: What's fucked up is that I'm going to pay $50 for a lapdance from a girl I used to have sex with for free.
K: Me too.

Planet Earth needs more...

... 70 degree days in January.
... free range chickens
... hours in it's orbit, preferably 8.
... rainforests
... volcanoes forming islands in the pacific capable of supporting an infrastructure and pineapple farms.
... chicks in bikinis, yeah!
... people who know how to make ham and bean soup.
... bison.
... bobsled runs.
... people who lick poison dart frogs.
... Lynda Carter circa 1970-something
... ways to fight back against the human scourge and it's blasted "earth movers".
... cowbell.
... animals that are tasty.

So I woke up Sunday morning to a magnificent blue sky outside. The sound of birds chirping with a sweet smell finding it's way into my room thanks to the bakery down the road. I staggered to the kitchen to start prepping some eggs and scrapple while knocking back a glass of cranberry juice. Just then I heard the paper boy, Ricky, hit my front door with the Sunday paper. "Perfect timing again." I thought to myself as I made my way to the front door. Sure enough bundled up perfectly with two rubber bands was my paper. I retrieved it and went back inside ready to fill my brain with the latest news and my belly with animal parts. Half way through my scrambling of said eggs I heard something I had never heard before...

"Gwack! Gwack!"

Perplexed I just ignored it but soon it came again...

"Gwack!"

It was clear it was coming from the back of the house so I cinched up my robe to make sure the old woman across from my backyard wouldn't see my manhood and preceded to walk outside to find out what was making the weird sound. As I rounded the corner to the east side of the house what I saw was something completely unexpected...

a pelican had landed in my backyard.



Go ahead and tell me pelicans land in your backyard all the time.