RIP

Tonight I said goodbye for the final time to a guy I grew up with. Early Thanksgiving morning he was stabbed twice in the back while walking away from a bar. He had gone there to pick up his fiance as she was getting off of work and exited the building to wait for her outside. He never saw them coming. 2 men exited the bar and attacked him, murdered him. His fiance found him as she went outside. The 2 suspects, no murderers have since been apprehended and it's probably a good thing the cops got to them before the old neighborhood crowd did.

I teared up as I knelt down by his coffin. To me he was just another one of the neighborhood guys. Busting his ass day in and day out to escape the poverty and drugs that had come to plague the neighborhood streets we once called home. As I knelt there it was a surreal moment. It was when I looked up and saw the note from his children. It created a lump in my throat like I've never had before. I read the note but I honestly couldn't tell you what it said. It was raw emotion and something I had never experienced before and hopefully something I won't have to again.

I don't miss the old neighborhood. It's a ghetto of the worst sort now. But I realized tonight that I do sometimes miss the people. Most of them were never able to escape, trapped inside of their homes by fear of a stray bullet striking them. Drugs and sex are sold openly on every street corner and garages become brothels and crack houses. Products of their enviroment they struggle on the only way they no how these days and sadly that leads them into shady territory. Unfortunately while no one spoke of it tonight I believe that was exactly what happened that Thanksgiving morning.

I sold my house in the neighborhood 5 years ago and haven't looked back. I considered myself lucky and put behind me the grim fear of living in the neighborhood. Tonight I shook the hands of many that are still living there. All aged before their years the area had sucked whatever lust for life they possessed. Many of them felt like shells of the people I once bumped into on the streets. On the streets when they were safe.

Quick question...

I read this under a Snapple cap today on the way into work:
"If you were stranded on a desert island who would you rather be stranded with?
A super model?
or
Your best friend? "

Interested in Learning?

I am starting a new blog for this endeavor. If your interested in helping out email me or reply to this post.
-k o w
Believe it or not I'm an American Red Cross certified CPR/AED and First Aid instructor. I was teaching a class today to a group of mothers and it hit me. I bet many of my readers out there are mommys and daddys and I bet many of them have no clue how to properly perform CPR or Rescue Breathing.

If your interested in learning I can put together a couple of posts demonstrating the skills through text and pictures so that you all may at least learn the basic skills needed when performing a rescue.

Thoughts?

The $3 PB & J

It's a fucking $3 peanut butter and jelly sandwich and who are we to deny ourselves it. Banana bread, raspberry jam, premium peanut butter all of them alone would have had us signed up with the devil to try it . I mean shit we can die happy knowing we paid 3 dollars on a peanut butter sandwich.Three levels of sticky goodness! And what the hell is hat white shit? Banana spread! I need a can of this stuff yesterday. Look at that sandwich. It's nearly 4 inches thick. It could stop a bullet. I can't fit my mouth over it.This sandwich kicked ass. Worth every red cent I spent. It took me 2 days to finish it.

Boy my posts of late have sucked haven't they? Peanut butter sandwiches, porn stories and Bush being pecked in the pecker. I was going to tell you all about the night I lost my virginity. I shagged that lil minx 8 times all over my buddy's house. Even outside on the picnic table, under the picnic table and on the 68' Mustang in the driveway. I'll save that story for another day.

Because I'm a (noun).

...

wrapping my arms around her I bring her in closer to me. Her heaving chest pressed firmly against mine I can feel her nipples get harder and harder with each second. I run my fingers under the base of her shirt going from the front to the small of her back slowly. I can feel the goose bumps rise from her skin as I run my lips across her collarbone to her neck. Her skin tastes better than it ever has. My hands seem to have deveolped a mind of their own now as I find them running just under the bottom of her breasts inside of her bra. I'm harder than a rock and she whispers something to me as she grips it through my jeans. Just at that moment a cool autumn breeze runs through the room from the open window.

Happy Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all. I'm offically off to put up my "holiday" lights. Isn't that so PC of me?

Holy Shat!

At some point today FUGGO hit 10,000 hits!
You all kick ass for making it happen.
So in celebration I googled 10,000 and look what the first pic was. We be chillin'!

Onward to 100,000!

Wacky Thanksgiving Dishes

Driving in to work today the local radio station was talking about the foods people bring for Thanksgiving. These are the foods that no one dares ask what the ingredients are out of fear of finding out. These dishes just sit there in their disgustingness silently daring someone to try it.

We all have that dish on our table every year. Your aunt brought over some funky ass casserole for everyone to try yet no one does. And if someone does they say "Wow that was ummm... great for a once a year treat. Pass the gravy."

For me the dish that always get's me shaking my head every year is this broccoli casserole thing. Now I'm all for broccoli and cheese but when you start adding shit like cornmeal to it the whole dish becomes ruined. I mean it looks like someone got sick and grabbed that dish before hitting the toilet. And it tastes bad. There's no reason to have 5 or 6 cheeses to a dish unless it's a pizza. For pete's sake parmesan does not have to be sprinkled on eveything to the depth of an inch thick. It's like biting into the Jersey shore with seaweed in the sand. I mean look at the stuff. Does that look like something you want to be gobbling down? Fuck no!

Another consumable that ends up on every table for Thanksgiving is Franzia.
Yeah you know your in for an evening of fun when the box with a tap for a penis starts pouring it's insides into your mother's finest glassware. Franzia! Whoa look out! Aunt Sissy just unbuttoned her blouse, she's ready to get funky. Unfortunately Uncle Nut is half asleep in the living room with his left hand on the remote and his right hand on his cock. Franzia! Where'd those kids get that wine? Oh they thought it was kool aid and are now driving drunk while playing Pole Position downstairs in the basement. Franzia has the power to fuck up an entire room of 8-10 year olds in a matter of a half an hour. Trust me. The kids love it being drunk and their parents are too fucked up themselves to give a shit. Franzia, guaranteed to make your family event a complete drunken escapade where family members start cursing each other out over that time when they were 12 and the one put a tack on the other ones chair at the Thanksgiving table causing them to take a header into the stuffing.

So I ask you faithful readers what is that one dish that ends up on your table every year?

Overheard at the Grocery

Just a couple of quotes I was lucky enough to hear this morning while picking up my disgusting green juice,

"Can I get a half pound of jumbo shrimp?"
"That'll equate to about 5 shrimp"
"Ok then make it 6."

"I love this sausage, but it's too hot in my mouth."

Woman on cell phone in line..."Tom Cruise's girlfriend is ugly, I know she's pregnant but she's still ugly."

"I need more Q-Tips."

"You can't stuff your bird after you've brined it."

"$3.50 for a bottle of juice?"
"You haven't tried it yet with vodka."
"At 7am?"
"Especially at 7am."

Ok so that last one was me and the checkout lady.

Haha

I'll have an original post for you soon, until then...

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.
A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"
"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.
"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either." The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies?"

Thanks MAXIM

Not Broken

X-rays show no fractures but the pain persists. With each step a sharp reminder courses it's way through the sternum causing a millisecond of paralysis. "Sometimes sprains are worse than actual fractures" mentions the doctor. Longer to heal and often more painful they can completely ruin a routine you've worked hard on to establish. Plenty of ice is recommended.

Healing will be difficult. Especially since there will be no pain meds taken and the body part injured is in constant motion. Sure the doctor called the patient an idiot for not taking them but he's known the patient since he was 4 years old, he has that right. He's written a prescription just in case the patient comes to his senses and quits trying to be "muy macho". But the patient doesn't comply even though he knows he can't go on like this unless he gets some serious R&R soon.

Of course against doctor's orders and common sense he went out last night and played goalie for his hockey club taking about 16 shots directly to the injured rib cage. Knees buckling from time to time as the pain felt like a hot burning knife being thrust deep into his chest. The crowd assembled knew of the injury and cheered on the goalie as he made save after save. It was adrenaline and sheer stupidity that kept him on his feet as he led the squad to victory.

8-10 weeks for full recovery.
6-8 weeks left in the regular season.
Recovery is going to have to wait.

HNT, Football with Dad

Yup that's yours truly throwing a ball to the guy who taught me how.

Happy HNT everyone.

Horny

HORNY

Office Zoo

"We have a bug in our office, it's big and it's flying around. We need your help."
Being the young male of the species it is my duty to protect the females of my group from the dangers of the outside world including yucky things with 6 legs and antennae. The few older males in our enclosure have long retired to their offices to a life of paperwork and quiet observation of the world outside of their cages/offices. So when I heard the distress of the females I ran over to help them. As I walked into their part of the enclosure they were all hooting and hollering, pointing at the intruder currently walking along the wall. "Kill it, destroy, slaughter" they called out. But being that we were all stuck here in this zoo it probably meant that so was this bug. So I took a cup and simply placed it over the insect. A little shake and it fell right into the cup ready for transport out of our enclosure. "Aren't you going to kill it?" asked one of the females? "No" I responded, "I'm going to let it go outside so that it can have a chance to escape. It doesn't have to work, it doesn't have to pay bills, it doesn't have to come running to the aid of the female members of his species every 45 seconds. All he has to do is eat, drink, shit, and fuck. And when he's not doing that he's flying. Going wherever the hell he wants when he wants. I cannot take that away from him, in fact I'm a little jealous."
With that last snort I walked out of the enclosure with my hand covering the top of the cup. I went to the roof and released the bug back into the urban wild. When I returned to my cage I was back on observation for all to see, only now with a hint of silver on my back.

The same amazement

We're in a better position for listening.
Far too often we neglect them for reasons not warranted.
drunk
sick
forgetful
past their time.
But take a moment
simply ask about
a favorite childhood past time
and find out just how much you have in common.

Both of you climbed trees
and remember the simple freedom
the act afforded.
Both remember their first kiss
the feeling of sand in between your toes
the moment you finally were able to ride a bike
where the great milkshakes were made
swedish fish
hitting the first homerun
and the sadness of when
someone moved away
riding the bus for the first time
alone
the pretty brunette that first caught your eye
how difficult it was too make sense of it all
at the time
and just how difficult it is today
to do the same
so listen
then realize they did it
60 years before you did
4,000 miles away

It's Not Gay

When playing defense in hockey there are many things a player can do to clear the front of the net.
1.)You can simply take the puck and clear it out of the zone forcing the opposing player to leave.

2.)You can fall down in front of the referee and have the opposing player called for a penalty forcing him to leave the playing surface for 2 minutes.

3.) You can scream really loudly in his ear until he can't take it anymore and just leaves your area. Ok we haven't actually used that one but we've seen little girls do it at a basketball game with great success.

4.) You can hit the guy repeatedly until you break one of his bones, knock him out, he starts to cry, or you get put into the penalty box for roughing.

5.) And finally you can grab the guy's ass or cock through his pants.

Now hear us out. That's not being gay, that's playing a smart game of defensive hockey. What guy is going to want to stand in front of you in a game with you repeatedly grabbing his ass? None that we know. What kind of player is going to enjoy the reach around your giving him in front of the net? Nobody.
By employing this strategy of grabbing another player's genitalia you are beating him mentally. He will think twice before going into the boards with you for the puck. If he's a homophobe he might even try to fight you at which point you just back off and let the referee put him in the penalty box for 5 minutes while you go ahead and score goal after goal on his team.

Sometimes....

...I like to tell people on Scrabble online that they just lost to a 12 year old.

...I will wonder what the process of turning pure orange juice into concentrate is?

...I will run up a slide and slide down the steps.

...I think to myself that maybe for once I will have liver with onions for dinner with brussel sprouts on the side. And then I will tell everyone it was fabulous even though it wasn't.

...I like to make up new words, like fuggo. And then I find out it's actually used in Italian.

...I will eat sushi, and sometimes I will throw it at the cats in the neighborhood with plenty of wassabi on it.

...I wonder if a post like this is inspired by the king of all eyebrows Andy Rooney.

...I wonder why he isn't featured on a t-shirt somewhere with the words "Will fuck for the truth" on it.

...I will go to Dunkin Donuts and ask for a dozen. And then walk out while the clerk is picking them out.

...I will think that that is a real prick move.

...I will want to go bungie jumping.

...I will instead jump off of the deck into the pool and say to myself "mission accomplished."

...I will write the goofiest piece of prose I can think up and never show it to anyone.

...I will say "Aww shit I just blogged it"

Raisins, Raisins, Raisins

Sung to the tune of "Rawhide"

Raisins, Raisins, Raisins
Love me some of those raisins
Gotta eat some raisins,
Raisins!
Small, tiny and juicy
king of all thats fruity
Raisins!

Pick em' up, eat them now
eat them now, pick em' up
pick em' up, eat them now
Raisins!
eat them up, bowels clean now
bowels clean now, eat them up
eat them up, bowels clean now
Raisins!

Raisins, Raisins, Raisins
Keep you healthy when shittin'
keeping atoms from splittin'
Raisins!
Keeps your poopy flowin'
and your other fluids goin'

Raisins!
Raisins!

This post is dedicated to WDKY and his love of raisins that inspired me at lunch today.

Monday Night Ice Cream

There you are.
Looking at me back at me from the freezer of my local food store.
Inviting me to take you in my grasp.
Open you up.
And plunge my spoon into your sweet, creamy goodness.
I know your no good for me but I can't help it.
I have to have you.

In milkshake form.

X-Mas

Yeah it's that time of year already. My neighbor was wrapping the garland around his railing this morning as I walked out the door. The red bows were already in place and the lights he assured me would be up by this evening.

Huh?

It's November 7th people. November frigging 7th and this fucker is in the holiday spirit already.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was a ferret named Floppy who loved to play rugby with his friends when he wasn't chasing rats out of the sewers in London. Floppy was your average happy go lucky kind of ferret without a worry in the world, until he met Jethro. Jethro was a bad ferret who liked nothing more than sitting around eating the discards from pharmaceutical shops on the lower west side. He convinced Floppy to try some of the discards and Floppy enjoyed them immensely becoming addicted to them. Floppy soon became anything but floppy. He couldn't understand why his chub chub was always very stout. His popularity with the female ferrets increased as they couldn't get enough of his new chub chub. Floppy kept on eating the discards until one day his chub chub began to become really painful. Floppy went to see Dr. Minky who decided he had to cut Floppy's chub chub to release the pressure built up inside. Now Floppy can't play with the girl ferrets or rugby. Moral of the story is never take pharmaceutical discards that will make your chub chub popular or you'll never get to be in a scrum again.

Bliss?

It usually will hit me as I'm standing in the middle of a remote creek somewhere with a rod and reel in my hand.
You hear nothing but the water running and the birds chirping.
The horse I rode to the location is on the bank quietly sipping water.
All around is serenity.
Nature in the raw.
The smell of lavender running wild as dusk approaches.
Out in the distance thunder rolls.

Dare me? Post Lunch Update

Look what I picked up this morning. You know it's going to be the nastiest thing ever done to a liquid from a cow's utter. But in the interest of science and everything that is decent in this world I will drink it. I'm doing it for you the reader. Because I love you all and I know you will all chip in when the medical bills start rolling in after my visit to the hospital to have my stomach pumped clean of this beverage spawned in the 9th circle of Hell.

Pray for me.

UPDATE
Great god what the hell have they unleashed upon the world. This stuff has got to be the sweetest, thickest dairy product ever.
It pours a dark brown with the viscosity of thin sludge. On the palate it wraps around your sense of taste and constricts it until your able to save your tongue with water. The aftertaste is rank. I didn't taste Milky Way in it at all. In fact I went and grabbed a couple of Mily Way bars out of the office halloween bin and they kicked the milks ass taste wise.

So in conclusion if you dig super sweet chocolate milk this is the stuff for you. But I warn you there's no discernable Milky Way-ness about it.
___________________________________
In other news this one's for my main squeeze Miss M.

She's never heard of a beet before. How that happened I haven't a clue. I used the word in Scrabble the other night online and she challenged and lost. So just to prove that beets actually exist here's a couple of photos.
Enjoy them loser.

Beets, they're good for your Scrabble game.

HNT, it'll be here

So I fell asleep early last night and didn't have time to put up a pic. So here's one of me at paintball from my Flickr album to hold the spot.

Look I know it sucks but look at what you can find out about me from this pic. I have a great ass even in camoflauge pants!
This is a piss poor HNT I know. You see more of my wash than of me. Trust me it'll be better next week. As it will be another you request it I show it week.

I'm such a slut.

Play this Game

It's called Chicken Fling.
Developed by a buddy of mine I have found it to be challenging in ways that flinging a chicken shouldn't be. It's tough but rewarding once you get a handle on it.

3

To catch up with this story if this is your first time visiting scroll down. And again I state this is a true story.


"How can I help you boys today?" asked the old man behind the counter of Gold Medal sporting goods. "We're looking for inflatable rafts." "We have a couple of them in the back, are you guys planning on going fishing?" "Sorta". Well ok you'll probably want one with rod holders and..." "No we just need the smallest raft you have." "Why so small?" asked the now very inquisitive shopkeeper. "Well it needs to fit in a basement." I said back to him. "Oh I see you guys are going fishing in your basement, that should be lots of fun. I had many adventures in my basement as a young boy. Why I remember....." The old man yarned on for 20 minutes nonstop while showing me and my buddy a variety of inflatable rafts. We ended up buying the 2 man raft as we figured there was no way we were going to send a guy into the flooded basement of the theater by himself.

The plan was simple. We were going back into that building and mapping it all out no matter what shrieked at us. We were young, stupid, and bored and this place had just way too many possibilities as a clubhouse to let a stupid ghost bring us down.

It was decided to go back in Tuesday morning. 2 teams of 4 each. One team's mission was to explore the basement as best as possible. The other team was to explore the upstairs again except this time we had cutting edge technology, the Fisher Price PXL2000 video camera for kids! We were going to catch the ghost on video and become millionaires! Oh yes thanks to one of our buddies parents spoiling the hell out of him we were now outfitted with gear to match the best ghosthunters around. Not only did we have the camera this time though but we also outfitted ourselves with weapons. Who knew what we would find in the basement so we each carried with us some form of weaponary just in case. BB guns, pocket knives, even a small sledge hammer, who do you think carried that? We went to the local parish and bought 3 vials of holy water to carry with us and to bless the weapons. We were all set now. We had the power of God behind us along with the newest technology, nothing could stop us.

We arrived at the building with duffle bags full. One by one we entered through the hatch in the air vent. Once inside we set up a base camp. As 3 of us took guard duty the rest of us took turns blowing up the raft. The building was quiet except for a couple of birds near the hole in the roof above the stage. Once inflated we carried the raft across the theater floor to the door leading to the staircase. "The door is closed guys." "It can't be, we placed that big ass cinder block next to it last time we were in there, it couldn't be closed." But sure enough it was. The door sat there silently mocking us, daring us to open it once again to reveal the pathway where suddenly we were all having second thoughts about treading into. "Let's do this." and with that we opened the door. Inside the stairway was as dark as ever. The kid with the hammer drove nails into the door securing it against the wall. It was an idea he picked up from a game of Dungeons and Dragons once. The basement team dragged the raft down the steps while the team set for upstairs readied the camera and tape recorder we had brought along with us.

The basement team was all set. The raft was in the water and floating. 2 of the guys hopped in while the other 2 secured the boat with clothesline to make sure they could pull them back in a hurry. Meanwhile upstairs the other group ascended the steps now very slowly. Three flashlights pointed straight ahead as the camera rolled. Again the temperature lowered as they walked down the hallway. In a couple of the rooms more writing was found on the walls. Nothing of significance really except that they were all written in red, maybe with a marker. We wandered between the rooms in total quiet looking for clues to the building's past but not finding any. When we came to the room now known as "Edward's" we stopped. The camera had stopped working. We all looked a little puzzled. We turned it off and turned it back on and it booted right back up. As we walked into the room again it shut down. Now we're freaked. We knew it wasn't batteries as we had put fresh ones in. Once again we rebooted the camera and went into the room. The mattress was there along with the Bible in the corner. Nothing happened out of the ordinary. We started to walk out of the room when we heard the basement crew running up the steps yelling. We were all for running at this point and met them at the landing in the stairs. They had heard something moving in the basement waters and it wasn't them. The guys on the stairs dragged them back and they all hauled ass upstairs fully convinced that whatever was in the water was coming after them. It was just then when we heard at the bottom of the steps that sound you hear as someone exits water. Zoom! It was again another foot race to the air vent hatch. Each guy trying to out race the others. Running across the main theater area felt like running a mile. We reached our gear and started grabbing all of it. A couple of us flashed our lights towards the door to the stairway. As we stood there the door closed. "Holy shit!" one of us said and that was it we were all leaving there pronto. "That door closed after being nailed open." "That was impossible!" We packed up our base camp and left the building leaving the raft behind in the basement. There wasn't one volunteer willing to go back down there to retrieve it.

In the following months we resumed playing baseball in the parking lot. None of us ever really thought about venturing inside as we were fully convinced we were not wanted in there. We did do research on the address at the local historical society. The theater was built in 1909 by an old mill owner of the area. Live acts performed there all the way up through the 20's until the theater was converted to show movies. After that there wasn't much in the old papers about the place. It would host the yearly Christmas show for the area and would take an ad in each week's edition to promote what was showing there. In the late 60's it was bought and turned into an adult theater. Discussions with people of the neighborhood revealed the thought that there was more going on in there besides sex on the screen. There was talk of the old dressing rooms upstairs being used as a brothel. Apparently the owner would give girls off the street a room to stay in as long as they worked for him. The civic association got the place closed in the late 70's and boarded it up to keep out the homeless and drug dealers that were now now becoming more and more prevalent in the neighborhood. So it stood there for 20+ years until me and my friends found that hatch and entered it.

The building was torn down in 2002. Someone said the demolition crew were shocked to find a 2 man raft in the basement. They were even more shocked when they found human remains buried in dirt in the main theater area.

The End