The desktop

Someone asked me about what image I have as my background on my desktop and why I chose that specific picture. He's a black rhino living at the Philadelphia Zoo by himself about 5,700 miles from what he would call home. His enclosure is nothing more than a yard with dirt and some rocks for flooring. He looks depressed doesn't he? Lying around all day with your belly full receiving the best care you could possibly ever need doesn't mean a whole hell of alot if you don't have the freedom to do as you please. He does look comfy. The sand at this end of the enclosure probably feels great on his stomach. I honestly don't know why I keep this photo on my desktop. I like the zoo alot and I'm there usually twice a month maybe more sitting around to read, think, or just lay on my stomach in the sand because it's comfy.

What's your desktop look like?

Fat Tuesday

No one told me today was Fat Tuesday. On my way out to lunch someone mentioned it to me so I'm celbrating it right now with 2 big fucking Whopper sandwiches from Burger King. They are the first burgers I've had from a fast food restaurant in close to 8 months, maybe more. So much for my girlie figure.
These things are disgusting. First their fucking cold. Colder than a supposed "witches (thx LLF!) tit". Which makes me ask "Exactly how cold is a witches tit anyway?" If witches are humans then they should constantly be at a temp of 98.6 degrees. Are witches not human then? Do they take ice baths? Maybe they're just really cold, heartless people? Who knows but these burgers are cold.

These burgers taste like shit. Not that I know what shit tastes like but if I had to imagine what fecal matter would taste like it would probably be close to this thing. I just took my second bite and for the life of me I don't want a third. But I just dropped $3.95 on this experience and I'm not one to waste money. Bites 3 and 4 reveal a pickle like object. I'm not sure if it's actually a pickle but I'm hungry. You know I bet if I opened up this burger, pulled out a pickle, and threw it against the floor it would probably do one of three things:
1.) It would bounce like a super ball.
2.) It would grow legs and arms and try to attack me.
3.) It would lie there feeling dejected and cold, colder than a witches tit.

I'm throwing these things out. I hate throwing away money. I could go down stairs and give it to the bum that lives in our dumpster but that would be looked upon as a hate crime.

EDIT: I launched the burgers, dejected pickles and all, from 6 floors up. I can't believe what happened. They sprung wings and flew away after taking a shit on the McDonalds across the street.

Cold?

I'm that crazy guy who's out shoveling the snow in cargo shorts. You think "He's nuts!" but really I'm not. In fact I've worn shorts year round for as long as I can remember. Now I do wear pants as evidenced by yesterday's post but most of the time you'll find me running around in shorts. Why? Well I just don't feel the cold. I actually kinda like it. Now I know your saying "He's nuts!" but really I'm not. They key is to dress warm up top. If you keep your chest warm the rest of your body will be as well. It's also a matter of mind over matter really. If you think your warm you'll be warm.

Try it.

The other side...

Normally I'm on the other side of the camera taking the pictures. But this past weekend I let someone take shots of me. When I got home to check out the pics the first one was this one. I called and found out it was deliberate, "because crotch shots always are."

Turtle Hump

Why is it that whenever I go to the zoo turtles hump around me?
Anyone wanna see the film of them getting it on?
By the way this kind of thing is illegal in South Dakota.

Test

This is a test.

EDIT
I'm sure many of you were distraught when trying to access this lil corner of the web over the last 48 hours. Blogger farted and kicked FUGGO out for about 20 hours. But now it's back in all of it's candy reviewing goofiness.

Wanna tell me how much you missed the site? Skype me at fuggo@comcast.net
I'll be back later with more turtle humping madness from the Cape May County Zoo.
And in case you missed it check the post below on Emily Dickinson and comment if you can on the subject. I'm fascinated by her work right now and I don't know why.

On Emily Dickenson...

What happened to her that was so terrible that she focuses(sp) so much on death and mortality? I'm having a hard time understanding much of her poetry. It seems to me that there was a series of events that just destroys her will to live and thusly causing her to write these beautifully depressing poems that I'm finding hard to resist right now.

But maybe she was just rebeling? Maybe since at the time she was the exception in poetry. She was a woman first, that was taboo. Then instead of writing about how wonderful everything was ala Keats she instead gets darker than Blake had ever gotten.

Thoughts?

And yes I know somehow culture made it's way to this page. I tried beating it away with a broom but to no avail.

Invasion

"Hello?"
"Yes may I speak to Mr. (k o w)?"
"Speaking"
"Well yes sir this is your lucky day, I'm here to tell you a great opportunity involving Cingu..."
"Wait a second please I'm kinda in the middle of something."
"Ok sir while your doing that I..."
"I don't think you heard me can you give me a second here I'm stuck."
"Sir we are now able to provi..."
"Look chum my house is being attacked right now by Amazons."
"Excuse me?"
"Amazons, see apparently they found out where I lived after I stole their idol spoon and so they came all the way up here to get me. At first they said they were here to sell me something and now their fucking the place up."
"Well that's quite the story."
"Yup and it's all true." (sound of toilet flushing in background)
"What was that noise?"
"I just ate all of the Amazons and instantly shit them out and flushed them down the lou."
"Thank you for your time."
"Hey what does 6 times 7 equal?"

And with that the line went dead. I think it's every persons duty to screw with telemarketers when they call you in the middle of going to the bathroom.

Life in the doghouse...

The food sucks.

It's cold out.

And I suspect the only thing I'll be humping anytime soon will be inanimate.

Life in the doghouse is no fun.

Can someone throw me a bone here?

Bars

Inspired by Gary Numan's "Cars".

Here in the bar
I drink beer all the time
I can win at quizzo
and leave the others behind
In bars

Here in the bar
I eat pizza for free
I can listen to U2
In the bathrooms I go pee
In bars

Here in the bar
Where the smoke still flies free*
It kill me someday
If I continue to breathe
In bars

Here in the bar
I know I've started to think
About screwing this eve
because I'm really horny
In bars



* authors note: In the city of Philadelphia a measure has been brought up that would eliminate smoking in public spaces. I am and always will be against smoking but I find myself in a conundrum. I can't sit in a bar without there being smoke in the air. It just doesn't seem right to me. Thoughts?

Just relaxing...

I've taken 6 baths since Thursday night in the tub here in A.C. Extended weekends are wonderful. I'm off to take #7 now. Hope your all having as great a weekend as I am.

How do you make a Grilled Cheese Sandwich?

After having a half hour debate with 3 friends last night over how to make a proper grilled cheese sandwich we all agreed that in fact the preparation of said sandwich varys greatly. So if you will my dear readers please tell me how you make a grilled cheese sandwich. I'm really actually interested in your response.

I'll give my method later on today.

EDIT:
Awesome to read all of your methods to this classic dish. I'm the same except instead of butter I use mayonaisse. NWC I love your idea with the waffle iron. I'm trying it this weekend.

Snow Piles

The great thing about really big snowfalls to me are the giant piles of snow now piled up in parking lots across the northeastern part of the country. In one lot I pulled into last night there was a pile measuring close to 20 feet in height. It had to be the work of a bulldozer as there was noway a plow could pile the white stuff that high. So I'm sitting there looking at the pile and I just couldn't help but think how much fun it would be to climb it. I walked over to it and started to climb the thing. It's pretty daunting to be about 10 feet up off the ground on a pile of snow with another 10 feet to go. After about 3 minutes I made it to the top much to the delight of a young family who had stopped to watch me reach the top. What started as a trip to the store for a dozen roses ended up being a mini adventure of a sort. I love these kind of diversions.

Now as I drove by the pile this morning on my way in all I could think was how great a snow fort that pile could be if I had my shovel handy. I hate to drive in the snow but I love to play in it.

Author's note: That pic is not one of the actual pile. The actual pile I wrote about is actually bigger than that one. I'll take pics later.

Childhood Favorites Dead

Growing up I read a comic book about a bunch of Canadian superheroes who I adored as a kid. Their name was Alpha Flight and I loved reading their adventures in comics. Never a very popular super team they ended up basically being secondary characters over time. Now today, Valentine's Day of all days, I found out the team was annihilated in a comic book do out tommorow on store shelves. I don't read comics anymore but this still hurts for some weird reason. This team of wacky heroes with names like "Puck" and "Sasquatch" is now dead. Boy this day just sucks doesn't it.

Valentines Day

I'm sure I'll be visiting sites today with plenty of people saying how much this day sucks and how they feel it's just another way for retailers to cash in. Those sites will go on to say how they won't be doing anything special this year and they won't let themselves be brought down by it all. The huss and fuss over today is something they wish not to take part in and they're standing adamant on that ideal. Good for them I say. Display your freedom from the rest of society's mindset by going home and masturbating. Because lets face it if you don't love yourself how can you love another?

Happy Let's Masturbate Day.

Geek Chic

Just click this sentence and think just how wonderful this thing could be.

Snow Day

Urban Under

It was about 28 degrees last night as I pulled my bike up under the giant paper clip just north of City Hall. All the regulars were there. Most of them were bike messengers who do nothing but pedal all day while the others were a hodge podge of young and old. "Ok the race ends at 2nd and Lombard, first person there takes the mug." It was the mug I had come for. In years past I had gotten close to winning it but always fell short. I was one of the few entering the race on a BMX frame. Most competed aboard road bikes but I used my bike to take curbs and small jumps on my way to the end point. "Riders ready, please remember this is outlaw, ride safely and avoid all pedestrians." I gripped my bars tight and got ready to take off. The whistle blew and I took off heading towards Samson St figuring there would be less traffic that way. I hopped up on the curb and started weaving in and out of people, trash cans, and street signs. Making the right onto 8th St. I looked and could see no one coming this way. Interesting I thought but what the hell I was pedaling harder now than I ever had before in a mug race. I pulled onto Lombard St with 6 blocks ahead of me. Full sprint. The crank on my Haro Tr2.2 was spinning faster and harder than it has in a long time. I could feel the beads of sweat run down my face. As I neared 3rd St I could see two of the other racers cross the street. Dammit, I wasn't going to win but I was determined to finish it hard. The light at the intersection turned green as I approached and I bunny hopped off the curb and repeated the move on the other side of the street. I finished 5th out of 12. Not a win but not a loss in my book either. Last night was my first race in nearly 2 years of this type. I only got back into it as a classmate of mine was talking about running in it. It felt good. Sweating in 20 degree weather under the moonlight after racing through one of the most historic areas in the new world is something I think everyone should do once. After the race we all retired to the Artful Dodger where everyone enjoyed a beer and then pedaled home. Next month I plan on winning.

Remember folks theres always time to sit on your ass when your dead.

HNT- Huge Nut Thursday

No nakedness this week. Instead I present one HUGE NUT.

Others are getting naked today while we show off big nuts. Seek them out through Osbasso!

F the Internets!

Seriously. It takes up so much of our fucking time now that it takes away from doing worthwhile activities like running, doing the wash, and generally being active. Think for a second how much time you spend each day logged into the world wide web. Depressing isn't it? Think about what you could be doing with that time instead of sitting around burning your eyes out. You could be knitting your dog a sweater or trimming the hedges in your backyard that have become grossly overgrown. You could be reading a good book or making a dish a friend gave you the recipe for.

Being on the internet can't be good for your back either. As your reading this your bent over somewhat aren't you? Admit it that now your straightening up and bringing your shoulders back. Hey I know I'm doing it. Doesn't it feel good when you stretch back like that? Imagine how piss poor your posture is when walking around. I for one try to correct this everyday when I'm walking. Reason I do it is because when I'm 65 and on the internet I don't want my back to go out.

No Caca!

Ever wonder why people say "No shit!" You'll say something like "Hey did you hear about the rhino that mated with a hippo? The baby is a hippo with a horn on it's head!" And then your friend says "No shit!" Someone just said it to me and it got me thinking. The only thing that popped in my mind was an empty toilet bowl. There are lots of places to find shit, especially the toilet but shockingly when I went to the bathroom to check if indeed there was shit the toilet yelled at me saying...

Yes the toilet actually talked Virginia.

Would you believe 300?

Yup 300 posts here on this site now. Hard to imagine how much time I've actually spent writing them all but if I had to guess I'd say I probably have spent a total of maybe 6 hours tops. Now you may say that's lowballing it. But consider the content on these pages. Mostly short stories or pictures accompanied by nonsense and candy reviews. Nothing too mind numbing and thats the way I wanted it.

I could have posted the "300 things you didn't know about k o w" but I find lists to be hard to read after #10 so I skipped that idea. Then I considered opening up this site to a reader to do a guest post but pulled back from that because how could I pick just one person? So instead I open the floor here for comments on what you really think of this site. Is it stupid? Refreshing? Maybe you think it would go great mixed with Coke Classic and some grenadine? Let's hear it. Don't hold anything back as I'll be the first person to admit something sucked.

What's he saying?

Richard Pryor was the man. What do you think he's about to say to the motherfucker across the table from him?

Asylum

I'll never figure out the vampire culture and such. Growing up here in Philly there was a club I'd go to called "Asylum". It was a goth/ fetish hang out and while I wasn't one to partake in any of the activities or dress of the place I couldn't help but go to observe. Me and my buddys stood out in our hockey jerseys and jeans and no one ever approached us. Which we didn't mind as we were getting served at 18 years of age. Then one night we happened upon our high school Bio teacher licking the feet of some young woman in a black leather boustier back by the pool tables. She had him on a leash and he had these fake vamp teeth in his mouth. Quite the surreal experience really. "Hey Mr. D" we all said to him but he wasn't allowed to talk back as the maybe 16 year old mistress had not given him permission.

Any goths read this who can explain the culture to me?

Shocking

Quite possibly the best sour candy ever.

I'm not bullshitting you here. I ate 5 frigging packs of these things this weekend since discovering them mid-day on Friday. I mean their Sweettarts covered in a super sour candy shell, and their chewy! What wicked chemical engineer concocted this combination in the lab? They are sure to be a saint to those of us that like a little sour with our sweetness. These little candies are really tasty and well habit forming. It probably wasn't good for my health by eating as many as I did but I say we should enjoy ourselves as much as we can while on this plane of existence. And I'll be enjoying myself with these things. Off to buy a case on ebay.

Blessed

The Cherry Porter had just been served to me at the end of the bar when the local publican stood up to make an announcement. "Everyone tommorow is the feast of St Blaise, Fr. Walsh will be giving the blessing of the throat to anyone who wishes to have it done." So I turn and sure enough there was the good reverend already blessing the throats of my fellow patrons. Now there are many things I've done in a bar. I've eaten, drank, fought, argued, hugged, kissed, danced and fucked in one before but never have I had a blessing bestowed upon me by a Catholic priest while I held a pint in my hand. No longer being a practicing Catholic I took a couple of minutes to think this through. Being blessed in a bar is a pretty rare thing. I put it right up there with riding an elephant in your local parade. But I hadn't been to church in close to 10 years before this past Sunday. Would my getting a blessing be too much religon this week? I thought about it some more and then turned to a childhood friend of mine who was in the same boat as me with God and asked her if she was going to get blessed. "I don't know." was her response and that was good enough for me as I was about to bless my throat in my favorite way with more Cherry Porter.

HNT Encore

WDKY posted up a pic this week and it inspired me to run this photo out there again.
Happy HNT ladies and gentlemen. And to think I was going to post a story about food and sex today.

Awesome

Thanks to Frozin my attention was brought to this little wonderful piece of engineering.

Andy Rooney Brows

A Fuggo song parody based on Kim Carnes' "Bette Davis Eyes"

His hair is white and gray
His wit an email surprise
His face is never cold
Cause' he's got Andy Rooney Brows

He'll turn his mojo on you
You won't have to think twice
He's as burnt as Cheech and Chong
He's got fuzzy ass brows

And he'll pick you
he'll kick you
all the better just to teach you
He's facoccious
and he knows just what it takes to make a pol blush
All the rednecks think he's a cow
he's got Andy Rooney brows