It's true you know. Each toilet in Brazil is equipped with a speaker. When you flush the toilet the computer inside plays salsa music through the speaker celebrating your recent movement. That's worthy of a thumbs up!
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Huh? Neat! Thursday.
It's true you know. Each toilet in Brazil is equipped with a speaker. When you flush the toilet the computer inside plays salsa music through the speaker celebrating your recent movement. That's worthy of a thumbs up!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Dear Reader
You know who you are and thus be warned. I'm going to show up to your house on Friday and throw tacos through you bedroom window.
That is all.
That is all.
Secret Mustard
Preface: You haven't had a soft pretzel until you've eaten a Philly soft pretzel.
Setting: Pretzel shop around the corner from authors mansion. ;)
Wednesday, 5/10/06, 8:10 a.m.
Me: One pretzel please.
Pretzel Vendor: Fifty cents.
Do you have any mustard?
Sure do, yellow, spicy, grey poupon, or the secret mustard
Secret mustard?
Yup
What's in it?
That's the secret, wanna try it.
I usually don't experiment with mustards so early in the morning but it's Wednesday.
Exactly.
Exactly what?
Well it's Wednesday, no better day to try a new mustard.
Now that's my kinda logic.
Here it is.
Thanks (starts to squirt secret mustard onto pretzel, takes bite) Wow that's good mustard!
Tell me about it.
What's the secret?
Do you really want to know?
Your not going to tell me a cat pissed in it right?
(laughing) umm.. no.
Well then have at it my man.
It's just all three mustards combined into one bottle.
By Odin's Beard!
By Odin's Beard my friend.
This was easily the best mustard I have ever eaten on a pretzel, Wednesday is starting out great!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
I am a Grill Whore
Oh yes I love anything that burns charcoal and wood and lets me cook on top of them. With the death of my smoker over the winter I needed to get something new. My little hibachi has been filling in for the last couple of weeks but last night I spotted this bad boy and fell in love. 
Remember boys and girls, just say no to propane.
Remember boys and girls, just say no to propane.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Name the Babies Contest
Hey there animal lovers, the Philadelphia Zoo is holding a contest to name their triplet baby black and white ruffed lemurs. The names recommended in the contest are awful if you ask me.
Huey, Dewey, Apollo, and Louie sounds awfully similar to Donald Duck's nephew threesome and their ducks not lemurs!
Now while I did vote for names I think it would be better off if we here in Internet Land gave them other names. So let's here what you would call three baby lemurs if you had the choice to do it.
My early choices for names:
Loos
Goofball
Prince Nana
Musical Monday, 5/8/06: Insomniac's Soundtrack
I fell asleep early and woke up around 12:00 am unable to fall back asleep. I noticed it was Monday and then I remembered WDKY's Musical Monday was today. So in keeping with the trend that is sweeping Blogland like a thunderous storm I present to you this week a song from one of my favorite bands of all time. I routinely play this song at night to put me asleep.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dire Straits and "So Far Away"
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Ladies and gentlemen, Dire Straits and "So Far Away"
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Sunday, May 07, 2006
Thursday, May 04, 2006
HNT- In Search of Blanka
I am still hunting down the Blanka. When I find him it will be a fight like no other.
This is not me in the photo.
It is tough to paddle and take a photo at the same time.
Thus far no sign of the Amazons and I remain in possession of the spoon.
This is not me in the photo.
It is tough to paddle and take a photo at the same time.
Thus far no sign of the Amazons and I remain in possession of the spoon.
And Remember...
Always bring sunscreen with you on vacation
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Once upon a time in a village outside of a grand imperial city there lived a wizard who was allergic to mayonaisse. He would stay up to all hours of the night conjuring a cure for this ailment as he loved to eat turkey hoagies and potatoe salad. One night as he stood at his cauldron brewing his next attempt at a cure a knock came at the door. "Hello Jaufree" said the wizard as he opened the door. "What's up Ladlow, listen theres this killer party going on in the guard's quarters of the imperial jail, care to tag along?" The wizard thought to himself that he hadn't been to a good party in awhile. In fact the last one he was at had killer turkey hoagies so he agreed to go.
The two of them could hear the beat of the drums coming from the party all the way out in the countryside. "Bro, this party is going to be great, food, grog, and wenches! Who can ask for anything more?" Ladlow the wizard replied "How about a cure for my mayonaisse allergy?" "Your allergic to mayonaisse?" asked Jaufree. "Hell yeah, been that way since the last party where Brunhilda was mixing that potion with the chickenroot in it." Jaufree remembered that party well. Brunhilda knew how to party. She would set up a cauldron in the middle of the room and make people throw whatever they wanted in to it before pouring it out into shot goblets for everyone. Maybe Ladlow the Wizard's allergy was a direct result from the last party. "Oh well, not my problem" he thought as he and the wizard entered the door to the guards quarters.
"5 gold mate or your not getting in" announced the guard inside. Both men paid the amount, grabbed their plastic goblet and went about eyeing up the wenches and the assorted kettles and cauldrons spun about the room. Brunhilda caught Ladlow's eye so he pulled on the nip of his magic gown and proceeded to strut over to her in what he liked to call "magic pimp style." Brunhilda was knocking back a shot of something bubbly and green when the wizard said "Do you think I can try some of that stuff?" "Sure sugar, here you go." and with that she poured him a serving. Ladlow knocked it back without thinking. "Now that's some stuff right there!" Already he could feel it's affect. Visions of turkey hoagies and potatoe salad danced in his head. "What is this stuff?" he asked feeling all of a sudden much hungrier. "Thats my super allergy remedy potion, it cures all of your allergies instantly." Ladlow was excited. Finally a chance to eat turkey hoagies and potatoe salad once again. He hugged Brunhilda and tapped her on the bottom as he went over the wawa table in the corner. The archmage Wawa had stopped practicing the dark arts about a year ago to pursue his life long dream of owning a deli. Ladlow picked up a turkey hoagie and smothered it in potatoe salad. "This is awesome!" he yelled out loud and everyone cheered. After finishing the sandwich Ladlow strutted back up to Brunhilda and invited her back to his place after the party.
The End
Author's Note: I have no idea how in the hell I just wrote this thing. It just came out as I was writing it. Anyway, no Fuggo updates until May 5th at the earliest. I leave for Brazil and the Amazon tonight. Cheers.
The two of them could hear the beat of the drums coming from the party all the way out in the countryside. "Bro, this party is going to be great, food, grog, and wenches! Who can ask for anything more?" Ladlow the wizard replied "How about a cure for my mayonaisse allergy?" "Your allergic to mayonaisse?" asked Jaufree. "Hell yeah, been that way since the last party where Brunhilda was mixing that potion with the chickenroot in it." Jaufree remembered that party well. Brunhilda knew how to party. She would set up a cauldron in the middle of the room and make people throw whatever they wanted in to it before pouring it out into shot goblets for everyone. Maybe Ladlow the Wizard's allergy was a direct result from the last party. "Oh well, not my problem" he thought as he and the wizard entered the door to the guards quarters.
"5 gold mate or your not getting in" announced the guard inside. Both men paid the amount, grabbed their plastic goblet and went about eyeing up the wenches and the assorted kettles and cauldrons spun about the room. Brunhilda caught Ladlow's eye so he pulled on the nip of his magic gown and proceeded to strut over to her in what he liked to call "magic pimp style." Brunhilda was knocking back a shot of something bubbly and green when the wizard said "Do you think I can try some of that stuff?" "Sure sugar, here you go." and with that she poured him a serving. Ladlow knocked it back without thinking. "Now that's some stuff right there!" Already he could feel it's affect. Visions of turkey hoagies and potatoe salad danced in his head. "What is this stuff?" he asked feeling all of a sudden much hungrier. "Thats my super allergy remedy potion, it cures all of your allergies instantly." Ladlow was excited. Finally a chance to eat turkey hoagies and potatoe salad once again. He hugged Brunhilda and tapped her on the bottom as he went over the wawa table in the corner. The archmage Wawa had stopped practicing the dark arts about a year ago to pursue his life long dream of owning a deli. Ladlow picked up a turkey hoagie and smothered it in potatoe salad. "This is awesome!" he yelled out loud and everyone cheered. After finishing the sandwich Ladlow strutted back up to Brunhilda and invited her back to his place after the party.
The End
Author's Note: I have no idea how in the hell I just wrote this thing. It just came out as I was writing it. Anyway, no Fuggo updates until May 5th at the earliest. I leave for Brazil and the Amazon tonight. Cheers.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
"Wii"
Nintendo announced today the name of their new videogame console, Wii. Pronounced "we" it is prime right out of the box for ridicule and we here at Fuggo love to do our part.
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Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Wicca vs Waterballoons
Growing up me and my friends had built4 treehouses located in a heavily overgrown section of our local park. They were awesome. All of them were about 14'-20' feet high in the trees and were completely secure thanks to trip wires and other booby traps we had set up. We spent an entire summer building them with scrap wood we'd find all around the neighborhood. On the ground we had established a firepit and built benches. It was almost like a courtyard right in the middle of the four trees. If I showed you pictures of it you would be amazed. It was the perfect place for a bunch of kids to hang out during the summer. Trade baseball cards, play war, swing from trees, every kids dream... until 1990 when we were invaded.
It was a Saturday or a Sunday and me and the guys had decided to head up to the fort (treehouses) to put a roof on one of the houses that had blown off in a recent storm. As we walked back down the path we had cut through the weeds earlier that summer we were greeted with the smell of something burning. The four of us became real quiet and moved slowly towards the treehouses as we suspected someone was back there. As we walked into the clearing under the trees we were greated by a woman in her mid 30's with long wiry black hair. "Hello there." she said and we nearly shit our pants. Here was a woman roasting something over a fire that smelled goddawful. "This is our fort, what are you doing here?" I remember asking. "Well I'm practicing wicca, the art of witchcraft. Would you like to join me?" "Hell no lady!" and with that we hauled ass out of our fort dropping all the wood we had just carried 2 miles to the site.
We regrouped after running for 5 minutes in the other end of the park. "What are we going to do?" we all asked ourselves. "We have to get her out of there, she's doing satanism, killing cats!" was one of the responses and at 13 years of age we were all making more of the situation than what was actually happening. We decided to go back to the fort and tell her she had to leave or else. So the four of us marched back to confront her. "You have to leave... now." my buddy said. "I'm not going anywhere, I plan on living here, you've buitl a very nice spot and I like it." With that we stormed off determined to get her out of there. We thought about calling the police but then they would find the Playboys we had stashed in the fort. We could tell the park ranger but he too would find the Playboys we had stashed there. So instead we decided the only way to get her out of there would be warfare.
We went to the local five and dime store and loaded up on water balloon grenades. We then proceed to fill up two red wagons full of the said water grenades and took turns pulling them the 2 miles to the fort. Stealthly we walked back to the fort where the woman was brewing something up in a pot on our firehole. "This is your last warning miss. Leave now." She told us to go to hell or something and that was all we needed to hear. We cut loose with a volley of water grenades that saturated ever single spot she called her own. We then retreated to get more grenades and were stunned when she came chasing after us. More grenades smashed against her soaking her to the bone. She cursed like a sailor as we continued a bombardment unlike anything we had ever unleashed.
Four boys hitting an older woman with water balloons in an open field is not something that goes unnoticed. Park rangers soon drove up and brought the battle to a stop. "These boys are attacking me with water balloons!" "She's killing cats and eating them and doing withcraft in our fort in the woods over there" we retorted. "Killing cats?" She fired back. "I was practicing nothing more than Wicca." After about 5 more minutes of arguing back and forth the rangers went with us to the site. They were surprised at how well the place was built but were more shocked by what the woman had set up in the clearing under our trees. She had set up a small campsite in the time since she had been there. They ordered her to leave immediately as the park frowned on people setting up residence inside of the park. She cursed us all repeatedly saying she would place a hex on us all. She loaded up her bags and left. The rangers put out the fire she had going with the few water balloons we had left and asked us how long had we had the treehouses built there. After showing them how to get up in them they climbed the ladder and inspected the treehouses finding the Playboys we had stashed. "Boys we can't let you keep these but we will let you keep the treehouses on the notion that you don't start any fires back here." We all agreed and went about our task of gathering the wood we had dropped earlier.
If your ever in the area and want to see the treehouses they still stand to this day. Just go to the southwest end of Wissinoming Park and follow the path through the weeds. Soon you will come to a clearing. Look up and you will find our forts in all of their fought for glory.
It was a Saturday or a Sunday and me and the guys had decided to head up to the fort (treehouses) to put a roof on one of the houses that had blown off in a recent storm. As we walked back down the path we had cut through the weeds earlier that summer we were greeted with the smell of something burning. The four of us became real quiet and moved slowly towards the treehouses as we suspected someone was back there. As we walked into the clearing under the trees we were greated by a woman in her mid 30's with long wiry black hair. "Hello there." she said and we nearly shit our pants. Here was a woman roasting something over a fire that smelled goddawful. "This is our fort, what are you doing here?" I remember asking. "Well I'm practicing wicca, the art of witchcraft. Would you like to join me?" "Hell no lady!" and with that we hauled ass out of our fort dropping all the wood we had just carried 2 miles to the site.
We regrouped after running for 5 minutes in the other end of the park. "What are we going to do?" we all asked ourselves. "We have to get her out of there, she's doing satanism, killing cats!" was one of the responses and at 13 years of age we were all making more of the situation than what was actually happening. We decided to go back to the fort and tell her she had to leave or else. So the four of us marched back to confront her. "You have to leave... now." my buddy said. "I'm not going anywhere, I plan on living here, you've buitl a very nice spot and I like it." With that we stormed off determined to get her out of there. We thought about calling the police but then they would find the Playboys we had stashed in the fort. We could tell the park ranger but he too would find the Playboys we had stashed there. So instead we decided the only way to get her out of there would be warfare.
We went to the local five and dime store and loaded up on water balloon grenades. We then proceed to fill up two red wagons full of the said water grenades and took turns pulling them the 2 miles to the fort. Stealthly we walked back to the fort where the woman was brewing something up in a pot on our firehole. "This is your last warning miss. Leave now." She told us to go to hell or something and that was all we needed to hear. We cut loose with a volley of water grenades that saturated ever single spot she called her own. We then retreated to get more grenades and were stunned when she came chasing after us. More grenades smashed against her soaking her to the bone. She cursed like a sailor as we continued a bombardment unlike anything we had ever unleashed.
Four boys hitting an older woman with water balloons in an open field is not something that goes unnoticed. Park rangers soon drove up and brought the battle to a stop. "These boys are attacking me with water balloons!" "She's killing cats and eating them and doing withcraft in our fort in the woods over there" we retorted. "Killing cats?" She fired back. "I was practicing nothing more than Wicca." After about 5 more minutes of arguing back and forth the rangers went with us to the site. They were surprised at how well the place was built but were more shocked by what the woman had set up in the clearing under our trees. She had set up a small campsite in the time since she had been there. They ordered her to leave immediately as the park frowned on people setting up residence inside of the park. She cursed us all repeatedly saying she would place a hex on us all. She loaded up her bags and left. The rangers put out the fire she had going with the few water balloons we had left and asked us how long had we had the treehouses built there. After showing them how to get up in them they climbed the ladder and inspected the treehouses finding the Playboys we had stashed. "Boys we can't let you keep these but we will let you keep the treehouses on the notion that you don't start any fires back here." We all agreed and went about our task of gathering the wood we had dropped earlier.
If your ever in the area and want to see the treehouses they still stand to this day. Just go to the southwest end of Wissinoming Park and follow the path through the weeds. Soon you will come to a clearing. Look up and you will find our forts in all of their fought for glory.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Ladies and gentlemen, inspired by the game Shenmue, I present Dale North's..."Com...
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The Bar Joke
Ok this attempt #3 at getting this audio post of me telling the joke I tell everyone. If it doesn't work fuck it. Write to Blogger and Castpost and tell them that their lucky this is free because there's no fucking way I would pay for this service.
Musical Monday installment coming your way later tonight. Stay tuned to see if that one works too.
Musical Monday installment coming your way later tonight. Stay tuned to see if that one works too.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Small Confession
In yesterdays HNT post I mentioned how I received a blow job while finishing a game of NHL 96. While it's true that happened theres more to the story....
Me and her had a bet. If I could win the Stanley Cup in the game on the "Hard" difficulty setting she would go down on me. Looking forward to the oral I changed the setting on the game to "Easy" before I started playing and told her it was on Hard. Long story short I beat the Red Wings in the game 11-2 and she made good on our wager. Sure I cheated to get it but it was going to be my first time receiving oral and I didn't want to miss the opportunity.
Have a good weekend.
Me and her had a bet. If I could win the Stanley Cup in the game on the "Hard" difficulty setting she would go down on me. Looking forward to the oral I changed the setting on the game to "Easy" before I started playing and told her it was on Hard. Long story short I beat the Red Wings in the game 11-2 and she made good on our wager. Sure I cheated to get it but it was going to be my first time receiving oral and I didn't want to miss the opportunity.
Have a good weekend.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
HNT- Geek Chic
I saw this shirt in a Kohls department store last summer and had to have it. It took me back to those days where I'd be struggling to get Mario over Koopas and Mushroom guys. Over Easter weekend I did 6 loads of laundry and found this shirt in the bottom of the hamper. Yup I'm a geek but I make this shit look good.
My top 5 gaming moments?
1. Scoring 163 lines in the original Tetris for the Gameboy. (The record still stands.)
2. Buying a Super Nintendo off the kid across the street from me for just $10.
3. Having an ex-girlfriend suck me off as I won the Stanley Cup in NHL 96 with the Flyers.
4. Xbox Live for the last 3-4 years.
5. Beating Shenmue on the Dreamcast without any help or cheats.
Therapy
I've got nothing today for ya.
Nada
Not a damn thing to write about.
Too much research, study, and writing to do.
Research in the old fashioned way when people opened books and read shit instead of just googling for their answer.
Wikipedia is useless as well.
So I'm hitting the books.
And actually having a beer on a weekday as well!
Go read another site.
Quick save yourself.
What are you still doing here.
For the love of christ don't you have some fucking work to do?
Shouldn't you be going over microbiology?
Fucker!
This post should have ended after the third line.
But it hasn't.
And you've made it this far.
So you are rewarded.
Tommorow's HNT will be very geeky.
Ninkinko geeky.
If I decide to do it instead of working on 30 page reports on a topic that would bore you to fucking tears.
Shit here comes the amazons again.
Nada
Not a damn thing to write about.
Too much research, study, and writing to do.
Research in the old fashioned way when people opened books and read shit instead of just googling for their answer.
Wikipedia is useless as well.
So I'm hitting the books.
And actually having a beer on a weekday as well!
Go read another site.
Quick save yourself.
What are you still doing here.
For the love of christ don't you have some fucking work to do?
Shouldn't you be going over microbiology?
Fucker!
This post should have ended after the third line.
But it hasn't.
And you've made it this far.
So you are rewarded.
Tommorow's HNT will be very geeky.
Ninkinko geeky.
If I decide to do it instead of working on 30 page reports on a topic that would bore you to fucking tears.
Shit here comes the amazons again.
Monday, April 17, 2006
This song just fucking rocks. It's quick and easy, kinda like me.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Zambonis and "Hockey Monkey"
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Zzzzzz....
I walked out the backdoor yesterday and sat down in the hammock. It was "San Diego" weather I thought and thusly demanded that I be outdoors. With a good book and very little breeze blowing I sat down in the direct sunlight. The suns radiation warmed me up quick so much that as I started chapter 12 I was pretty cozy in the netting. Over the course of the next 15 minutes I could feel my hat getting heavier and heavier. My eyelids were becoming the same way and I fought valiantly to stay awake but the ne....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......
zzzzzzz.......
zzzz.....zzzzz.....zzzz
¿puede usted decir siesta?
zzzzzzz.......
zzzz.....zzzzz.....zzzz
¿puede usted decir siesta?
Friday, April 14, 2006
Older Women Rock
If I could I'd like to add Catherine Keener to the list of women I want on top of me. Someone sent this picture to me in an email entitled simply "The Sex". Can't say I disagree.
It's said that women hit their sexual prime in their 40's. If that's true I can't fucking wait.
That's going to be a great decade.
The Power of Moaning
Two weeks ago a woman who I am good friends with left a message on my phone of her getting herself off and screaming my name. Ever since then it's been saved on my answering machine and soon will be uploaded here for all of you to hear. It's one of those things I have to share. In it she starts off with nothing but heavy breathing, then slow moans, then "yes", more moaning, then the requisite "fuck me", more heavy breathing and so on. It's a great message really. When I go through my messages in the morning I find myself always listening at least to the very beginning of it. I think it's the moaning.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Scent
I am complimented at least three times a week on how I smell. "(kow) you smell great." or "What are you wearing that smells so good?" are the two items I hear most. Scent is something that people remember most. Think about how you'll smell something and for a split second your in another place where you first smelled that particular fragrance. It amazes me how people react to a scent they pick up on.
About six months ago a friend of my ladyfriend calls her up to ask if I could go over to her place and set up her internet connection. I am constantly whored out to perform deeds such as this and of course I agree to do it. So I drive over to her friends place and knock on the door Her friend invites me in and shows me her "brand new Dell!!!". It's a laptop and she needs help setting up a wireless network so she can cruise the internet while in bed. So I hook everything up and then sit on her couch with the laptop to show her what I've setup for her. The first thing she says to me is "Wow you smell great!" I continue on to tell her about what I setup and she continues with "You smell amazing" as she moves closer and closer with each passing second.
As I'm showing her the features of wireless networking she moves even closer and says "I love whatever it is your wearing, you gotta tell me what your wearing as it's driving me crazy." I turn to her, look her dead in the eyes and say "Baby it's my deodorant." "Deodorant?" she quips back. "Yup... it's Pure Sport Old Spice."
About six months ago a friend of my ladyfriend calls her up to ask if I could go over to her place and set up her internet connection. I am constantly whored out to perform deeds such as this and of course I agree to do it. So I drive over to her friends place and knock on the door Her friend invites me in and shows me her "brand new Dell!!!". It's a laptop and she needs help setting up a wireless network so she can cruise the internet while in bed. So I hook everything up and then sit on her couch with the laptop to show her what I've setup for her. The first thing she says to me is "Wow you smell great!" I continue on to tell her about what I setup and she continues with "You smell amazing" as she moves closer and closer with each passing second.
As I'm showing her the features of wireless networking she moves even closer and says "I love whatever it is your wearing, you gotta tell me what your wearing as it's driving me crazy." I turn to her, look her dead in the eyes and say "Baby it's my deodorant." "Deodorant?" she quips back. "Yup... it's Pure Sport Old Spice."
Monday, April 10, 2006
Musical Monday, 4/10/06
Ladies and Gentlemen for today's Musical Monday I present "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan
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"I Call"
As I sat there I knew I was going to be in trouble. Nobody in the place could have missed her as she strutted through the floor to sit down and play. She was due up next on my table and it just so happened the seat across from me was open. After breaking necks of the gentlemen swinging around to make sure it was her she sat down right across from me and said "Hello."
Now this was something I had never experienced before. Playing a simple game of poker in A.C. on a Friday night is usually a sausagefest. This night was different because not only had a woman arrived but a woman everyone knew. She was famous. Breathtaking on the silver screen she now sat directly across from me with $200 in chips ready to play. She buys into the next hand and away we go. She wins some hands and loses some. Play was pretty aggresive on the table minus myself and the gentlemen next to me as it seemed each guy wanted to be in a hand with her. This way they would get her attention for a split second and think to themselves "Yeah I could get her tonight." I just sat back and watched the show. I would throw in on a couple of hands looking to make something happen but nothing did. She on the other hand was starting to build quite the pile in front of her. I don't know what was sexier, her chips or her.
I finally catch a hand, a pair of tens. She apparently does to as she raises me on the flop. "Let's play." I say to her and we're off. This was a no limit game and we both had about the same size stack so we threw chips at one another back and forth up until the river where I go all in. "I call." she fires quick and pushes her pile all in as well.
Well I have a new respect for her. She took me for close to $140. As I stood up to leave she stood and shook my hand. That's classy. I may not have enjoyed many of the films she's been in but I will always remember the night in A.C. where she took my money at the poker table.
Go ahead and guess who she was.
Now this was something I had never experienced before. Playing a simple game of poker in A.C. on a Friday night is usually a sausagefest. This night was different because not only had a woman arrived but a woman everyone knew. She was famous. Breathtaking on the silver screen she now sat directly across from me with $200 in chips ready to play. She buys into the next hand and away we go. She wins some hands and loses some. Play was pretty aggresive on the table minus myself and the gentlemen next to me as it seemed each guy wanted to be in a hand with her. This way they would get her attention for a split second and think to themselves "Yeah I could get her tonight." I just sat back and watched the show. I would throw in on a couple of hands looking to make something happen but nothing did. She on the other hand was starting to build quite the pile in front of her. I don't know what was sexier, her chips or her.
I finally catch a hand, a pair of tens. She apparently does to as she raises me on the flop. "Let's play." I say to her and we're off. This was a no limit game and we both had about the same size stack so we threw chips at one another back and forth up until the river where I go all in. "I call." she fires quick and pushes her pile all in as well.
Well I have a new respect for her. She took me for close to $140. As I stood up to leave she stood and shook my hand. That's classy. I may not have enjoyed many of the films she's been in but I will always remember the night in A.C. where she took my money at the poker table.
Go ahead and guess who she was.
Friday, April 07, 2006
The Stinky Elevator
Don't you hate it when you walk onto an elevator and it smells like someone just farted on it?Then you realize that bastard just walked off and now your alone. And don't you hate it even more because you know when the door opens next and someone walks in that their going to think it was you who farted.
Fug Libs
Growing up I loved to do Mad Libs. I've been meaning to write one for the site here and today I present the first edition of what I like to call "Fug Libs". Your task as the reader is to copy and paste the following short into your comments and replace the words in parenthesis with a response.
I look forward to seeing what you all come up with. Happy Friday.
Sally was (verb) down the street one day when she found a (noun). She was amazed by the way it (verb) in the sun. So she picked it up and put it in her pocket. As she continued down the street she felt a rumble in her pants pocket. She reached into her pocket and felt something (adjective) and (adjective). Now in her hand was a (noun) which all of a sudden had grown (plural noun). Confused now Sandy didn't know what to do with it. She decided to (adverb) place it on the ground and (verb) away from it (adverb). All of a sudden it began to chase her. Sally turned and ran. She ran harder than a (noun) back home and locked her (noun). It was in hot pursuit and ended up getting hit by a (noun) as it was crossing the (noun) to Sally's house. Sally was saved. The End
I look forward to seeing what you all come up with. Happy Friday.
Sally was (verb) down the street one day when she found a (noun). She was amazed by the way it (verb) in the sun. So she picked it up and put it in her pocket. As she continued down the street she felt a rumble in her pants pocket. She reached into her pocket and felt something (adjective) and (adjective). Now in her hand was a (noun) which all of a sudden had grown (plural noun). Confused now Sandy didn't know what to do with it. She decided to (adverb) place it on the ground and (verb) away from it (adverb). All of a sudden it began to chase her. Sally turned and ran. She ran harder than a (noun) back home and locked her (noun). It was in hot pursuit and ended up getting hit by a (noun) as it was crossing the (noun) to Sally's house. Sally was saved. The End
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Ever Brush Your Teeth With Cake Batter?
I have. It's called Crest Whitening Expressions Vanilla Mint. I picked it up by mistake last night at the store. You should have seen my face this morning. I loaded up my toothbrush with the stuff and proceeded to start brushing. Two seconds in I spit out all of the toothpaste onto my bathroom mirror. "What the Fuck!" I said as I looked down at the tube to find out what I had just put in my mouth. It was Crest, ok so far. Whitening Expressions, yup that's what I wanted to buy. Vanilla Mint? Holy fuck what did I just do? I rinsed my mouth out with water then Listerine. As I turned to hop in the shower I could still taste this garbage. So I hopped under the water and just let the jets of water squirt the remaining remnants of this foul toothpaste from my mouth.
The taste of this shit is horrible. Fucking horrible. If they wanted to make a good tasting toothpaste they should make one called "barbecue". That I would try. This Vanilla Mint is heading right for the garbage can.
Moral of the story? When putting something in your mouth make sure you know what it is first. It may look familiar but sometimes it's completely different.
The taste of this shit is horrible. Fucking horrible. If they wanted to make a good tasting toothpaste they should make one called "barbecue". That I would try. This Vanilla Mint is heading right for the garbage can.
Moral of the story? When putting something in your mouth make sure you know what it is first. It may look familiar but sometimes it's completely different.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
After Midnight Tonight...
After midnight tonight, you have the opportunity to experience 01:02:03 04/05/06, which is highly unlikely to happen again in our lifetimes. I plan on celebrating the moment with one of the following:
a.) Masturbation
b.) Oblivion on the 360
c.) A strawberry milkshake
d.) Sleep
e.) Freud's "Civilization and Its Discontents"
a.) Masturbation
b.) Oblivion on the 360
c.) A strawberry milkshake
d.) Sleep
e.) Freud's "Civilization and Its Discontents"
Monday, April 03, 2006
Musical Monday, Vol. 1
The original jazz-funk instrumentals on the Beastie Boys 1994 album "Ill Communication" are what made the album for me. A long time fan of the boys from Brooklyn they were the one musical act I grew up with that got older with me. What I mean by that statement is that wherever I have been in my development the Beasties were right there as well.
Futterman's Rule is the song I'm featuring today. To me the song takes me to a place where I want to boogie, drink, and talk philosophy. I grew up with funk and the Beasties bring it it this song. The saying at the beginning is one I think about alot. I don't want to miss anything in my short time on this planet, because there might not be no more next time y'all...
I hope you enjoy the song, as much as I do.
Powered by Castpost
Futterman's Rule is the song I'm featuring today. To me the song takes me to a place where I want to boogie, drink, and talk philosophy. I grew up with funk and the Beasties bring it it this song. The saying at the beginning is one I think about alot. I don't want to miss anything in my short time on this planet, because there might not be no more next time y'all...
I hope you enjoy the song, as much as I do.
Powered by Castpost
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Midnight, McNuggets, and Mario
It's late here and I'm tired but can't fall asleep. Three shows in three days is alot with the travel sucking you dry each and every way. I don't know how people can be on the road 40+ weeks a year. It sucks. I'm sitting here in a 24 hour McDonalds at half past 12:00am eating these disgusting chicken mcnuggets and thinking their the best thing I've eaten since I left for this midwest tour on Thursday. With my DS as the only true method of entertainment I decided to pull into this McDonalds to take advantage of their WiFi connection to play a little MarioKart over the internet and cruise the web.
Is there anything to do in Illinois besides a Cubs game?
Is there anything to do in Illinois besides a Cubs game?
Thursday, March 30, 2006
"More Good News"
I used to hide at the top of those steps. When we played hide and go seek we would have teams of 15 on 15 back in the old neighborhood. You could hide anywhere within 7 city blocks. If you weren't found within 20 minutes you won and then it was your team's turn to seek.
I would buy a soft pretzel and sit at the top of those stairs and shoot the shit with the bums, prostitutes, and drunks that would use the old El (elevated train) station as a spot to do
whatever they did to get by. I remember one time being offered a blow job for $5 by a whore. I was 14 and considered it for about 3 seconds before realizing I only had 4 minutes left in the game and $3.
We called her "Back Alley Sally" and she would walk up and down the Avenue under the trestle with her dog offering jons whatever their fancy might be.
I drove through the old neighborhood tonight by the old El station and what do you know. Sally is still turning tricks. I guess no matter how things change some stay the same.
I would buy a soft pretzel and sit at the top of those stairs and shoot the shit with the bums, prostitutes, and drunks that would use the old El (elevated train) station as a spot to do
whatever they did to get by. I remember one time being offered a blow job for $5 by a whore. I was 14 and considered it for about 3 seconds before realizing I only had 4 minutes left in the game and $3.We called her "Back Alley Sally" and she would walk up and down the Avenue under the trestle with her dog offering jons whatever their fancy might be.
I drove through the old neighborhood tonight by the old El station and what do you know. Sally is still turning tricks. I guess no matter how things change some stay the same.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
HNT- Feeding the Dragon
About 3 years ago someone left an Australian Bearded Dragon in my place. He/She has never left. That's my hand feeding him/her.
The return of the HNT to FUGGO everyone. It'll get better, trust me.
Author's note: Holy shit I'm white!
The return of the HNT to FUGGO everyone. It'll get better, trust me.
Author's note: Holy shit I'm white!
"Your Bleeding!"
Me: "I'm what?"
Her: "Your bleeding from your head."
That's weird.
What happened?
Well I was in the record store down at he corner debating the clerk on why I thought the Rio album was Duran Duran's best while he kept insisting that Seven and the Ragged Tiger was.
What?
Right, so we're in there debating Duran Duran when a shapely woman comes in eating an ice cream cone, a chocolate ice cream cone.
Ok but your still bleeding here now.
Right, so seeing her eating the ice cream I decided to go get a scoop across the street.
At the ice cream shop?
Of course.
Let me get you a towel to clean the blood up with.
That'd be great. So I walk in and ask for a scoop of chocolate. They ask if I want a cone but I want a bowl. So the scooper tells me they're out of spoons.
Out of spoons? Here's a towel.
(Starts wiping blood from head) Yeah they were out of spoons so I said that's ok I have one.
You carry a spoon?
Sure, ever since I nabbed it from the the ancient ruins in South America.
Huh?
So I pull out the spoon to eat with when I hear a bloodcurdling scream. I turn to see the record store clerk being impaled on the end of an Amazon's spear.
Seriously how much blood have you lost?
So I turned and ran home here ducking spears the entire way. They must have clipped me on my head with one of them.
Where are they now?
I lost them by running through Walmart.
As a reference read the FUGGO post from January 26, 2006. It's in the archives, bottom right hand corner of the page here under "Old Stuff..."
Her: "Your bleeding from your head."
That's weird.
What happened?
Well I was in the record store down at he corner debating the clerk on why I thought the Rio album was Duran Duran's best while he kept insisting that Seven and the Ragged Tiger was.
What?
Right, so we're in there debating Duran Duran when a shapely woman comes in eating an ice cream cone, a chocolate ice cream cone.
Ok but your still bleeding here now.
Right, so seeing her eating the ice cream I decided to go get a scoop across the street.
At the ice cream shop?
Of course.
Let me get you a towel to clean the blood up with.
That'd be great. So I walk in and ask for a scoop of chocolate. They ask if I want a cone but I want a bowl. So the scooper tells me they're out of spoons.
Out of spoons? Here's a towel.
(Starts wiping blood from head) Yeah they were out of spoons so I said that's ok I have one.
You carry a spoon?
Sure, ever since I nabbed it from the the ancient ruins in South America.
Huh?
So I pull out the spoon to eat with when I hear a bloodcurdling scream. I turn to see the record store clerk being impaled on the end of an Amazon's spear.
Seriously how much blood have you lost?
So I turned and ran home here ducking spears the entire way. They must have clipped me on my head with one of them.
Where are they now?
I lost them by running through Walmart.
As a reference read the FUGGO post from January 26, 2006. It's in the archives, bottom right hand corner of the page here under "Old Stuff..."
Monday, March 27, 2006
Sex at Work
When I was 19 I started working at Blockbuster Video. It was a great job for a young guy in college. Rent movies and games for free. Fuck around all night, and take home a paycheck perfect for beer and rent. While I worked there one of the assistant managers was a young woman newly engaged at the ripe old age of 22. Her fiancee was a chef at a local restaurent and they had been together for years. Me and 
her usually closed the store on Saturday nights and would open it the next morning. She would give me a ride home when my car was broken down and after about 6 months of working there I would give her a quick peck on the cheek when getting out of the car at night.
One Saturday night the store was dead. No one coming in or coming out so we put on a soft core porn that we had in the drama section to see what it was all about. It was tame. Scantily clad actor instead of nude and heavy rubbing instead of actual penetration shots. Well it got the 2 of us talking about sex and what we had done up to that point. We traded small stories about ourselves and you could feel the tension levels rising as did my cock. She was a freak. She told me how she loved to give head to guys and screw in public places. I was 19 and up to that point only had 3 women on my better end so I just played along. As midnight approached we started "bumping" into one another. Somehow one of our asses was always in the way of the other person. I push past her with my dick rubbing against one of her ass cheeks and she'd push by me with her chests gently rubbing against mine. I was loving it. Here was my "boss" flirting her ass off with me. I'm getting cheap feels and getting paid for it... hot!
Midnight came and I locked the doors down front while she went to the managers room to count down the drawers. After I finished returning all the movies to the shelves I went up to the office to see if she was ready to leave. I'm standing there in front of her as she was seated. "What would you have me do with that?" she asked me as I realized I had yet another boner and a case of blue balls setting in. "Whatever you want." I said back to her and she starts rubbing my cock through my pants right there in the office. "We should go somewhere where there isn't any cameras" she says. Now there were cameras everywhere in that store so we walked out of the office and scoped out a spot. the only place we figured the cameras couldn'tsee was in the horror section so we walked down the aisle where she proceeded to get down on her knees, unzip my
pants, and start sucking me off like I she had never seen a dick before. She's going down deep on me as I bend over and start to pull up her shirt. It was surreal as I'm asking myself if this is really happening. The next thing I know she has one pants leg off and I'm pushing her back onto the floor ready to enter her. She pulls me in close and I enter her while looking up at the cover of Monkey Shines. I'm inside of her not wearing a rubber and not giving a shit. Here I was at work, on the clock, having sex with my stores assistant manager. After about 10 minutes we finished. We pulled on our pants, set the store alarm ,locked up and ended up screwing again in the backseat of her car in the parking lot.
When we opened the store the next morning she says " I can't believe we did that last night." I agreed. We decided to keep it our secret as a. we would lose our jobs if we were discovered, and b. we enjoyed it. We screwed around in and out of work for the next 4 months until she left to get married. I haven't seen her since.
her usually closed the store on Saturday nights and would open it the next morning. She would give me a ride home when my car was broken down and after about 6 months of working there I would give her a quick peck on the cheek when getting out of the car at night.One Saturday night the store was dead. No one coming in or coming out so we put on a soft core porn that we had in the drama section to see what it was all about. It was tame. Scantily clad actor instead of nude and heavy rubbing instead of actual penetration shots. Well it got the 2 of us talking about sex and what we had done up to that point. We traded small stories about ourselves and you could feel the tension levels rising as did my cock. She was a freak. She told me how she loved to give head to guys and screw in public places. I was 19 and up to that point only had 3 women on my better end so I just played along. As midnight approached we started "bumping" into one another. Somehow one of our asses was always in the way of the other person. I push past her with my dick rubbing against one of her ass cheeks and she'd push by me with her chests gently rubbing against mine. I was loving it. Here was my "boss" flirting her ass off with me. I'm getting cheap feels and getting paid for it... hot!
Midnight came and I locked the doors down front while she went to the managers room to count down the drawers. After I finished returning all the movies to the shelves I went up to the office to see if she was ready to leave. I'm standing there in front of her as she was seated. "What would you have me do with that?" she asked me as I realized I had yet another boner and a case of blue balls setting in. "Whatever you want." I said back to her and she starts rubbing my cock through my pants right there in the office. "We should go somewhere where there isn't any cameras" she says. Now there were cameras everywhere in that store so we walked out of the office and scoped out a spot. the only place we figured the cameras couldn'tsee was in the horror section so we walked down the aisle where she proceeded to get down on her knees, unzip my
pants, and start sucking me off like I she had never seen a dick before. She's going down deep on me as I bend over and start to pull up her shirt. It was surreal as I'm asking myself if this is really happening. The next thing I know she has one pants leg off and I'm pushing her back onto the floor ready to enter her. She pulls me in close and I enter her while looking up at the cover of Monkey Shines. I'm inside of her not wearing a rubber and not giving a shit. Here I was at work, on the clock, having sex with my stores assistant manager. After about 10 minutes we finished. We pulled on our pants, set the store alarm ,locked up and ended up screwing again in the backseat of her car in the parking lot.When we opened the store the next morning she says " I can't believe we did that last night." I agreed. We decided to keep it our secret as a. we would lose our jobs if we were discovered, and b. we enjoyed it. We screwed around in and out of work for the next 4 months until she left to get married. I haven't seen her since.
Fanmail
Hey I just checked the Fuggo email account and I got fanmail from an unknown reader. If this is your letter fess up. The email came in from a "John". If your John I pledge to bring you more of what you came here looking for.
Check it out:
Dear Editor,
Where is the flair in your writing? It has taken a slight nose dive. Mind you it is still great but it seems to be missing the peanut in the peanut butter. The cheese on the pizza. The sour in the sour patch bears. The sweetness in the brady bunch. The sauce in apple sauce. The ice in ice cream. The nakedness in sex. soooooooooooooooo on. I am just one opinion in this crazy planet called Earth. By the way what happened to crazy articles about food sex and beer. America and Earth needs more of that.
Furthermore you should publish letters from your fans . It may boost your already great website.
Sincerely,
Devoted Reader
Check it out:
Dear Editor,
Where is the flair in your writing? It has taken a slight nose dive. Mind you it is still great but it seems to be missing the peanut in the peanut butter. The cheese on the pizza. The sour in the sour patch bears. The sweetness in the brady bunch. The sauce in apple sauce. The ice in ice cream. The nakedness in sex. soooooooooooooooo on. I am just one opinion in this crazy planet called Earth. By the way what happened to crazy articles about food sex and beer. America and Earth needs more of that.
Furthermore you should publish letters from your fans . It may boost your already great website.
Sincerely,
Devoted Reader
16 Hours of Gaming
Between Atlantic City, my XBox 360, and a few rounds of Scrabble with family I spent 16 hours this past weekend playing a game of some sort.
Does that make me a player?
Does that make me a player?
Saturday, March 25, 2006
"So is there a secret?"
Older Gentlemen: Not really, if I had one piece of advice to pass along it would be to not take shit seriously.
Me: Interesting.
See that's exactly what I'm talking about right there.
What's that?
Your thinking about it right now, rolling it over in your head looking for something more from it.
Well maybe.
Don't.
Why not?
Because then your taking my advice way to seriously.
I raise.
I call.
The old bastard taught me a lesson at that poker table last night. I'll never understand why here in the western world we don't covet our senior citizens. Many look upon them with pity and indifference. Their our greatest natural resource and their being wasted.
Me: Interesting.
See that's exactly what I'm talking about right there.
What's that?
Your thinking about it right now, rolling it over in your head looking for something more from it.
Well maybe.
Don't.
Why not?
Because then your taking my advice way to seriously.
I raise.
I call.
The old bastard taught me a lesson at that poker table last night. I'll never understand why here in the western world we don't covet our senior citizens. Many look upon them with pity and indifference. Their our greatest natural resource and their being wasted.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
And Speaking of Fine Wines...
My favorite rocket scientist launched his blog today. I recommend you all make him a daily stop.
The Launch Pad
Also I've gone and included everyone who blogs under one title, "Get Your Blog On". If your not listed and wanna be send me a message by carrier pidgeon.
The Launch Pad
Also I've gone and included everyone who blogs under one title, "Get Your Blog On". If your not listed and wanna be send me a message by carrier pidgeon.
Some Wine with your Porn?
Savanna Samson makes wine!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060322/od_nm/porn_wine_dc
I'm buying a bottle.... if I can find one.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060322/od_nm/porn_wine_dc
I'm buying a bottle.... if I can find one.
HNT- "Hey Nerds Thursday"
Hey Nerds.
It's Thursday.
Time to expose yourself just a little.
Maybe a breast.
Maybe a cock.
Maybe you hand doing the laundry.
Maybe your hands wrapped around an XBox controller.
Perhaps your exposing just a little bit of your inner thigh.
Or your painted lips.
Maybe your showing off your sweet behind.
Maybe your showing a picture from your past
Your life in rewind.
On the internet everyone's a voyeur
a model
or a poet
but let's face it
deep down inside
we're all nerds
and we love it.
It's Thursday.
Time to expose yourself just a little.
Maybe a breast.
Maybe a cock.
Maybe you hand doing the laundry.
Maybe your hands wrapped around an XBox controller.
Perhaps your exposing just a little bit of your inner thigh.
Or your painted lips.
Maybe your showing off your sweet behind.
Maybe your showing a picture from your past
Your life in rewind.
On the internet everyone's a voyeur
a model
or a poet
but let's face it
deep down inside
we're all nerds
and we love it.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Oblivion
I stole a horse last night. I didn't mean to do it. See I was walking, actually more like hopping, around the country side minding my own business when I came up on this small inn. Outside of it was this black stallion. Regal in a way only a horse can be I walked up to it when all of a sudden I was asked if I wanted to ride? Sure I did and so I hopped on it's saddle and the enxt thing I knew I had a guard slashing at my left boot. I reared the beast around and took off down the road. About 300 yards down the road I could see a torch light. Another guard was waiting fo me so I just galloped past him but now he was in hot pursuit. Over hills and through streams me and my steed ran. As I turned around I could see that now 5 guards were onto me and closing. The horse showed no signs of tiring so I continued on.
After about 20 minutes of running I turned to find no one there. I had escaped. I looked to the west to see a small town unfolding through the early morning fog. I sped the horse towards the town awaiting whatever adventure lied ahead.
Now what do I call my horse? I like Oblivion.
After about 20 minutes of running I turned to find no one there. I had escaped. I looked to the west to see a small town unfolding through the early morning fog. I sped the horse towards the town awaiting whatever adventure lied ahead.
Now what do I call my horse? I like Oblivion.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
The brutality...
I was attacked by a jelly powdered donut. I walked in to the kitchen this morning to find it staring at me from the counter. I got closer to inspect it when suddenly it lept into my hand and started charging for my mouth. I couldn't run and before I could scream for help it was in my mouth. So I fought back. I started chewing the donut until all of it's strawberry filled insides were everywhere. After about 3 minutes the battle was over. I was victorious. It was the first time a jelly donut had attacked me since 1998.
So remember when a jelly donut attacks you your only defense is to eat it.
So remember when a jelly donut attacks you your only defense is to eat it.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Writing about not writing
I really don't feel like writing anything today. There is nothing on my mind that would warrant a post here. Zip... zilch... nada. Nope nothing to write today.
Ever have one of those days? Where the sun is out and it's just a little cold outside. You want to be out there doing smething, anything but what your doing. That's me right now.
Enjoy your mondays. If your going to reply I challenge you all to do it in haiku form.
Ever have one of those days? Where the sun is out and it's just a little cold outside. You want to be out there doing smething, anything but what your doing. That's me right now.
Enjoy your mondays. If your going to reply I challenge you all to do it in haiku form.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Hangovers
Hangovers suck. Especially when you came home last night drunk and horny. You went and took a piss, brushed your teeth and then went to the bedroom ready to get laid. But what did you do? Well first you kissed a couple of spots and then you passed out between her boobs.
Now it's the next morning, you have blue balls, and the hangover just won't fucking quit.
But you did score a growler of Dogfish Head's Verde Verde Good naturally green beer. So you did score in a way.
Is that sausage I smell? Holy shit it's bangers and mashers!
Now it's the next morning, you have blue balls, and the hangover just won't fucking quit.
But you did score a growler of Dogfish Head's Verde Verde Good naturally green beer. So you did score in a way.
Is that sausage I smell? Holy shit it's bangers and mashers!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Happy Have Drunk Sex with Someone Irish Day
That is all.
EDIT:
Folks I'm having difficulty viewing the site here it won't load for me whatsoever so I ask that if you can see this please send an email to me at fuggo@comcast.net . I think I may have suffered a fate much like Mr Hand over at the Wicked Truth and if that's the case then this site is going to suffer a slow, painful death.
EDIT:
Folks I'm having difficulty viewing the site here it won't load for me whatsoever so I ask that if you can see this please send an email to me at fuggo@comcast.net . I think I may have suffered a fate much like Mr Hand over at the Wicked Truth and if that's the case then this site is going to suffer a slow, painful death.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
The Quote From The Bottom Of The Page.
Not sure how many of you ever make it that far down this page so I'm bumping the quote I have there. My father hung this very quote above my bedroom doorway and it hung there until I took it down the day before we sold the old house. It's in a box somewhere in the garage and will be going up over my childs bedroom doorway when I get the chance to do it.
I read it everyday still, and kick myself afterwards for not listening to it.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."- Mark Twain
I read it everyday still, and kick myself afterwards for not listening to it.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."- Mark Twain
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Zorse!
What do you get when you crossbreed a horse with a zebra? A zorse of course.
Freaky! I've heard of Tigons and Ligers before but this combination never even crossed my
mind until I ran into it just now. What horse lover wouldn't want a horse with a coat that pretty? I think scientists need to raise an entire herd of these things and fuck mother nature right in the ass while laughing at her. She in turn would get really pissed off that mankind had screwed with her creations and would create an elephant/dog combination that would shit a ton on the scientist's front lawns. Elephant dogs would eventually become domesticated by man and we would use them as beasts of burden to turn our fields following Armageddon. Armageddon? That'll be the day mother nature wipes us out with a huge flood because we domesticated her elephant dog.
Google "zorse" for more images. I could have posted hundreds but opted for just one. Consider it a research project for good conversation the next time your out with friends for dinner. They'll tell you about thier kids and you'll say "Ever heard of a zorse?" Boom your the life of the table. Your getting meals comped, free drinks, and now your getting in the club via the VIP door.
And remember you owe it all to us here at FUGGO. .
Freaky! I've heard of Tigons and Ligers before but this combination never even crossed my
mind until I ran into it just now. What horse lover wouldn't want a horse with a coat that pretty? I think scientists need to raise an entire herd of these things and fuck mother nature right in the ass while laughing at her. She in turn would get really pissed off that mankind had screwed with her creations and would create an elephant/dog combination that would shit a ton on the scientist's front lawns. Elephant dogs would eventually become domesticated by man and we would use them as beasts of burden to turn our fields following Armageddon. Armageddon? That'll be the day mother nature wipes us out with a huge flood because we domesticated her elephant dog.Google "zorse" for more images. I could have posted hundreds but opted for just one. Consider it a research project for good conversation the next time your out with friends for dinner. They'll tell you about thier kids and you'll say "Ever heard of a zorse?" Boom your the life of the table. Your getting meals comped, free drinks, and now your getting in the club via the VIP door.
And remember you owe it all to us here at FUGGO. .
Ipso Facto
Joe: Are you watching Gilmore Girls?
Mike: Yes I am now shoosh.
Shoosh?
I can't hear Rory.
Guys don't watch Gilmore Girls.
Well I do.
Then you must be gay.
This coming from the guy who stayed in Saturday night with his girlfriend because he wanted to watch Dirty Dancing.
Joe's girlfriend: Oh and he sewed while we watched it.
You sewed?
My pants had a hole in them. What?
Your giving me shit about watching Gilmore Girls yet you stayed in on a Saturday night to watch Dirty Dancing while you sewed?
Touche'.
Mike: Yes I am now shoosh.
Shoosh?
I can't hear Rory.
Guys don't watch Gilmore Girls.
Well I do.
Then you must be gay.
This coming from the guy who stayed in Saturday night with his girlfriend because he wanted to watch Dirty Dancing.
Joe's girlfriend: Oh and he sewed while we watched it.
You sewed?
My pants had a hole in them. What?
Your giving me shit about watching Gilmore Girls yet you stayed in on a Saturday night to watch Dirty Dancing while you sewed?
Touche'.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
People who steal our air
This is the start of a new series here at FUGGO. It's entitled "People Who Steal Our Air."
First up is Vernon Robinson. Click here to find out why.
First up is Vernon Robinson. Click here to find out why.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Short Post Today
Called out sick.
It's 77 and Sunny in March.
And I am totally addicted to...
Smallball.
Yup that's Team Fuggo going at it. Look up team 217932 to see how our site's official baseball team is doing. Hell if you want I'll even let you readers name the players.
I'm going out to the first tee.
It's 77 and Sunny in March.
And I am totally addicted to...
Smallball.
Yup that's Team Fuggo going at it. Look up team 217932 to see how our site's official baseball team is doing. Hell if you want I'll even let you readers name the players.I'm going out to the first tee.
Friday, March 10, 2006
New Lobster Discovered!
I love this kind of shit. When entire new species are discovered I think it's just terrific. I wonder how this thing would taste dripping in butter? 
Have a good weekend everyone.
Have a good weekend everyone.
Pebbles
I was invited to dinner last night and seeing how I only had a cupcake for lunch I eagerly said yes to the invitation. Her place was a little out of the way, close to 50 miles off my usual commute but I was hungry and figured a good cooked meal was well worth the drive. So I pull up to her house and she greets me at the door wearing nothing but a black, lacy teddy. Dinner was now the furthest thing from my mind naturally. I stepped into the living room and put my arms....
(fast forward an hour)
As I'm drying off from the spa I looked up and asked her what is was she prepared for dinner as I couldn't smell anything. "It's on the table, go help yourself." Excited I ran naked to the kitchen to find a box of Fruity Pebbles cereal and 2 bananas waiting for me.
Frankly the night couldn't have been any better.
(fast forward an hour)
As I'm drying off from the spa I looked up and asked her what is was she prepared for dinner as I couldn't smell anything. "It's on the table, go help yourself." Excited I ran naked to the kitchen to find a box of Fruity Pebbles cereal and 2 bananas waiting for me.
Frankly the night couldn't have been any better.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Quiz Time Hot Shots
First person to correctly name the following 4 Muppets from Sesame Street fame gets a No Prize. Everyone knows these muppets, we all grew up with them, but do you know their names?
If no one guesses correctly by this evening I'll reveal the results.
If no one guesses correctly by this evening I'll reveal the results.
Yes I know I know this is an incredibly lame post. But this is what happens when your out late the night before at the pub playing Quizzo until 12am.
Answers in order"
Prairie Dawn
Sherlock Hemlock
Bruno
Amazing Mumford
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
A new personal record...
Count them,7
seriously seven
I ate 7 frigging hotdogs for lunch today.
with mustard
and relish
I'm off to barf now.
If your one of the few that stop by these pages and know me personally (both of you) then you know my penchant for hotdogs. I eat them all the time. Love the things. Boiled with mustard and relish on them their just about my favorite meal outside of steak and mashed potatoes. There have been times where I've eaten 8 hotdogs in one day but never more than 6 in a sitting. People are amazed when I eat them all as I'm not fat or even remotely heavy. I just like the things. Certain studies have found that eating them is actually healthy for you. I don't think they are but even if I knew they were slowly killing me I'd still eat them.
Baseball season can't get here soon enough, I love those dollar dog nights at the Phillies.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Write a Caption
Yes it's that time again for you the reader to post up a caption for the following picture. Enjoy.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Lent
Her: So what are you giving up for Lent this year?
Him: Huh?
Your Catholic right?
Not since Tuesday.
Oh I'm sorry.
No it's ok you see I gave up Catholicism for Lent.
What does that mean?
It means I can have steak on Friday for dinner.
But that would be a sin.
Only if your Catholic.
But you are Catholic.
Not if I gave it up for Lent.
Explain.
I can jerk off now without worrying about God watching me. It's great! True I don't get that voyeuristic feeling anymore but at least I know I'm not technically sinning.
Your crazy, what exactly goes on in your head.
Honestly I don't know.
Him: Huh?
Your Catholic right?
Not since Tuesday.
Oh I'm sorry.
No it's ok you see I gave up Catholicism for Lent.
What does that mean?
It means I can have steak on Friday for dinner.
But that would be a sin.
Only if your Catholic.
But you are Catholic.
Not if I gave it up for Lent.
Explain.
I can jerk off now without worrying about God watching me. It's great! True I don't get that voyeuristic feeling anymore but at least I know I'm not technically sinning.
Your crazy, what exactly goes on in your head.
Honestly I don't know.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Fuck You Carmine's Pizzaria!
Fuck you Carmine's Pizzaria in Newtown Square, PA, 19073.
Your service fucking blows. First the fucking bitch, yes I said bitch (I originally wrote the C word) of a hostess sits me and my dinner guest in a booth and throws menus at us both. Puzzled we laugh it off and wonder if her life is so fucking pathetic that she might get off being ignorant to guests of your "restaurant". We guess it is. So we sit there in your place reviewing your menu for now get this... for 15 fucking minutes without any of your scuzzy whorely dressed wannabe waitresses even stopping by our table to say hello or to get us a beverage. What is that? Is that your brand of customer service? Fuck you I say! And then to top it off when another 2 people are sat in the booth next to us they are served almost immediately! I couldn't believe it. The waitress walks by us for 15 minutes without so much as offering us a goddamn motherfucking soda yet she waddles up to them as soon as they sit down. That was what made me angry. Your little slut (yes she's a slut now too) goes and serves those 2 before I even got a hello. That's fucking bullshit. So thats when my guest says she wants to leave and I am all for it as well. So in case if your wondering why I stood up and threw your menu back onto the table resoundingly thats why. Also in case you were wondering why I asked for a manager before I left it was more because of that fucking C word of a hostess tells me and I quote... "there is no manager here!" Do I look like a fucking idiot? That is why I walked up to your main counter then and asked to speak to your night manager. "Who?" I am greeted with. Now incensed beyond a degree I rarely ever get to I smash my hand down on the counter swearing to your entire staff that I would never return to your establishment again. As I turn to leave that is when your "manager" gets off of her ass to try and correct the situation. Too little too late sweetheart. Go back to stuffing your face with the busboy's cock.
Fuck you Carmine's Pizzaria.
Your service fucking blows. First the fucking bitch, yes I said bitch (I originally wrote the C word) of a hostess sits me and my dinner guest in a booth and throws menus at us both. Puzzled we laugh it off and wonder if her life is so fucking pathetic that she might get off being ignorant to guests of your "restaurant". We guess it is. So we sit there in your place reviewing your menu for now get this... for 15 fucking minutes without any of your scuzzy whorely dressed wannabe waitresses even stopping by our table to say hello or to get us a beverage. What is that? Is that your brand of customer service? Fuck you I say! And then to top it off when another 2 people are sat in the booth next to us they are served almost immediately! I couldn't believe it. The waitress walks by us for 15 minutes without so much as offering us a goddamn motherfucking soda yet she waddles up to them as soon as they sit down. That was what made me angry. Your little slut (yes she's a slut now too) goes and serves those 2 before I even got a hello. That's fucking bullshit. So thats when my guest says she wants to leave and I am all for it as well. So in case if your wondering why I stood up and threw your menu back onto the table resoundingly thats why. Also in case you were wondering why I asked for a manager before I left it was more because of that fucking C word of a hostess tells me and I quote... "there is no manager here!" Do I look like a fucking idiot? That is why I walked up to your main counter then and asked to speak to your night manager. "Who?" I am greeted with. Now incensed beyond a degree I rarely ever get to I smash my hand down on the counter swearing to your entire staff that I would never return to your establishment again. As I turn to leave that is when your "manager" gets off of her ass to try and correct the situation. Too little too late sweetheart. Go back to stuffing your face with the busboy's cock.
Fuck you Carmine's Pizzaria.
Friday, March 03, 2006
A Slow Day's Tale
Once upon a time in a forest around the corner from your house lived a log. The log enjoyed laying around all day playing house with the forest wildlife and being bathed by lichens. Then one day a small boy came along and saw the log. "Wow your totally awesome log, I'm going to take you home and make you into a stool." Horrified by this thought the log yelled out "I'm bread!" The boy was stunned, never before had he heard a log cry "I'm bread". He decided to approach the log once again when he heard "I'm bread, stay away from me as I am stale avoid my crustyness". Now the boy was completely confused. Obviously this log was no ordinary log. Most logs the boy knew never said a word even when chopped by an axe. The boy picked up the log and took it back with him to his house all the while hearing in protest "I'm bread, I'm bread". When he arrived home the boy showed the log to his mother who was shocked to find the log saying "I'm bread, please release me, let me go." The mother was a devout religous woman. When hearing the log speak she could only think it was the work of the devil himself. She had had enough. The mother picked up the log and threw it with all of her might into the fire place and lit a match. The log wailed and wailed "Why, Why, I am but bread, let me out of here." That evening when the boys father got home he asked the wife why the house smelled like a bakery. She replied "I baked you a fresh loaf of bread". Hungry following a hard days work in the forest chopping logs for the local baker the father quickly tore into the loaf gobbling up all he could. Soon after he stood up from the table and said "This bread tastes like a log! I've had enough of your baking woman. Begone with you" With that he threw her into the forest where she landed on a log. As she sat there contemplating the recipe she used she heard someone say "Get off me, what do I look like? A stool?" The moral of the story is simple, it's better to read a lame, hastily written fairy tale than do actual work. If your reading this now your shaking your head. Pat yourself on the back for a good week's job done.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Motivational Poster
I just quickly doctored this up this a.m. after being inspired by a website about giant robots. Make up your own and post it on your site. It's easy to do with just MSPaint really needed.
Decipher this Dream
Ok so I woke up this morning remembering this wacky dream I had last night but can't quite make out what, if anything, it could possibly mean.
It starts off I'm in Atlantic City. I'm getting off the bus and walk into the hotel and greet three of my childhood friends. We go to our room and meet up with two of the guys girlfriends in the hallway. Since the girls are staying in the room me and a buddy are now forced to sleep in the hallway. So I'm on a cot in the hallway when I turn to see a small Spanish man running by holding shoes screaming "Boros! Boros!" I get up and look to see he stole someone's shoes. I go into my friends room and yell at them for stealing the shoes because the hotel security is going to blame me for it. Suddenly someone says "Let's go sledding!" so we all walk outside where now it's a winter wonderland.
We are standing at the very top of the hill with sled runs on both sides of us. I say I'm going first and proceed to hop on a piece of cardboard box covered in a trashbag and make my descent down the hill. Halfway down the hill a red freight train comes rumbling through at the bottom of the sled run. I'm doomed so I roll off the sled and watch it slide under the freight train.
Then I hear someone say "Run!" I turn to see everyone running from what appears to be a small town sheriff looking guy. I begin to haul ass. I'm running up the hill when I'm cornered by the sheriff and his deputies. "No one is allowed to have fun here, they need to play hockey!" He says to me. I say back "Well I can show the people of this town that hockey can be fun but I'm going to need help." All of a sudden Wayne Gretzky slides in on a piece of cardboard covered in a trashbag. He's wearing a NY Islanders jersey and that strikes me as weird. So me and Wayne hop on the ice and all of a sudden every resident of the town are watching us play hockey but they don't seem too happy about it. "Hey Wayne" I say, "I think we need to eat hamburgers to make hockey fun for the people." Wayne Gretzky agrees and we start to eat hamburgers while playing hockey much to the delight of the crowd.
The End
Now please help me in deciphering whatever the hell this dream is supposed to mean? I'll take any theory you have.
It starts off I'm in Atlantic City. I'm getting off the bus and walk into the hotel and greet three of my childhood friends. We go to our room and meet up with two of the guys girlfriends in the hallway. Since the girls are staying in the room me and a buddy are now forced to sleep in the hallway. So I'm on a cot in the hallway when I turn to see a small Spanish man running by holding shoes screaming "Boros! Boros!" I get up and look to see he stole someone's shoes. I go into my friends room and yell at them for stealing the shoes because the hotel security is going to blame me for it. Suddenly someone says "Let's go sledding!" so we all walk outside where now it's a winter wonderland.
We are standing at the very top of the hill with sled runs on both sides of us. I say I'm going first and proceed to hop on a piece of cardboard box covered in a trashbag and make my descent down the hill. Halfway down the hill a red freight train comes rumbling through at the bottom of the sled run. I'm doomed so I roll off the sled and watch it slide under the freight train.
Then I hear someone say "Run!" I turn to see everyone running from what appears to be a small town sheriff looking guy. I begin to haul ass. I'm running up the hill when I'm cornered by the sheriff and his deputies. "No one is allowed to have fun here, they need to play hockey!" He says to me. I say back "Well I can show the people of this town that hockey can be fun but I'm going to need help." All of a sudden Wayne Gretzky slides in on a piece of cardboard covered in a trashbag. He's wearing a NY Islanders jersey and that strikes me as weird. So me and Wayne hop on the ice and all of a sudden every resident of the town are watching us play hockey but they don't seem too happy about it. "Hey Wayne" I say, "I think we need to eat hamburgers to make hockey fun for the people." Wayne Gretzky agrees and we start to eat hamburgers while playing hockey much to the delight of the crowd.
The End
Now please help me in deciphering whatever the hell this dream is supposed to mean? I'll take any theory you have.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Bounce-o-meter
You could say this is proof why the internet kicks ass. Sorta NSFW but definitely worth risking a click for. Ladies and Gentlemen I present the Bounce-o-meter.
Big thanks, like FF size thanks to Ram.
Big thanks, like FF size thanks to Ram.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
The desktop
Someone asked me about what image I have as my background on my desktop and why I chose that specific picture. He's a black rhino living at the Philadelphia Zoo by himself about 5,700 miles from what he would call home. His enclosure is nothing more than a yard with dirt and some rocks for flooring. He looks depressed doesn't he? Lying around all day with your belly full receiving the best care you could possibly ever need doesn't mean a whole hell of alot if you don't have the freedom to do as you please. He does look comfy. The sand at this end of the enclosure probably feels great on his stomach. I honestly don't know why I keep this photo on my desktop. I like the zoo alot and I'm there usually twice a month maybe more sitting around to read, think, or just lay on my stomach in the sand because it's comfy.What's your desktop look like?
Fat Tuesday
No one told me today was Fat Tuesday. On my way out to lunch someone mentioned it to me so 
I'm celbrating it right now with 2 big fucking Whopper sandwiches from Burger King. They are the first burgers I've had from a fast food restaurant in close to 8 months, maybe more. So much for my girlie figure.
These things are disgusting. First their fucking cold. Colder than a supposed "witches (thx LLF!) tit". Which makes me ask "Exactly how cold is a witches tit anyway?" If witches are humans then they should constantly be at a temp of 98.6 degrees. Are witches not human then? Do they take ice baths? Maybe they're just really cold, heartless people? Who knows but these burgers are cold.
These burgers taste like shit. Not that I know what shit tastes like but if I had to imagine what fecal matter would taste like it would probably be close to this thing. I just took my second bite and for the life of me I don't want a third. But I just dropped $3.95 on this experience and I'm not one to waste money. Bites 3 and 4 reveal a pickle like object. I'm not sure if it's actually a pickle but I'm hungry. You know I bet if I opened up this burger, pulled out a pickle, and threw it against the floor it would probably do one of three things:
1.) It would bounce like a super ball.
2.) It would grow legs and arms and try to attack me.
3.) It would lie there feeling dejected and cold, colder than a witches tit.
I'm throwing these things out. I hate throwing away money. I could go down stairs and give it to the bum that lives in our dumpster but that would be looked upon as a hate crime.
EDIT: I launched the burgers, dejected pickles and all, from 6 floors up. I can't believe what happened. They sprung wings and flew away after taking a shit on the McDonalds across the street.
I'm celbrating it right now with 2 big fucking Whopper sandwiches from Burger King. They are the first burgers I've had from a fast food restaurant in close to 8 months, maybe more. So much for my girlie figure.These things are disgusting. First their fucking cold. Colder than a supposed "witches (thx LLF!) tit". Which makes me ask "Exactly how cold is a witches tit anyway?" If witches are humans then they should constantly be at a temp of 98.6 degrees. Are witches not human then? Do they take ice baths? Maybe they're just really cold, heartless people? Who knows but these burgers are cold.
These burgers taste like shit. Not that I know what shit tastes like but if I had to imagine what fecal matter would taste like it would probably be close to this thing. I just took my second bite and for the life of me I don't want a third. But I just dropped $3.95 on this experience and I'm not one to waste money. Bites 3 and 4 reveal a pickle like object. I'm not sure if it's actually a pickle but I'm hungry. You know I bet if I opened up this burger, pulled out a pickle, and threw it against the floor it would probably do one of three things:
1.) It would bounce like a super ball.
2.) It would grow legs and arms and try to attack me.
3.) It would lie there feeling dejected and cold, colder than a witches tit.
I'm throwing these things out. I hate throwing away money. I could go down stairs and give it to the bum that lives in our dumpster but that would be looked upon as a hate crime.
EDIT: I launched the burgers, dejected pickles and all, from 6 floors up. I can't believe what happened. They sprung wings and flew away after taking a shit on the McDonalds across the street.
Cold?
I'm that crazy guy who's out shoveling the snow in cargo shorts. You think "He's nuts!" but really I'm not. In fact I've worn shorts year round for as long as I can remember. Now I do wear pants as evidenced by yesterday's post but most of the time you'll find me running around in shorts. Why? Well I just don't feel the cold. I actually kinda like it. Now I know your saying "He's nuts!" but really I'm not. They key is to dress warm up top. If you keep your chest warm the rest of your body will be as well. It's also a matter of mind over matter really. If you think your warm you'll be warm.
Try it.
Try it.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
The other side...
Normally I'm on the other side of the camera taking the pictures. But this past weekend I let someone take shots of me. When I got home to check out the pics the first one was this one. I called and found out it was deliberate, "because crotch shots always are."
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Turtle Hump
Why is it that whenever I go to the zoo turtles hump around me?
Anyone wanna see the film of them getting it on?
By the way this kind of thing is illegal in South Dakota.
Anyone wanna see the film of them getting it on?
By the way this kind of thing is illegal in South Dakota.
Test
This is a test.
EDIT
I'm sure many of you were distraught when trying to access this lil corner of the web over the last 48 hours. Blogger farted and kicked FUGGO out for about 20 hours. But now it's back in all of it's candy reviewing goofiness.
Wanna tell me how much you missed the site? Skype me at fuggo@comcast.net
I'll be back later with more turtle humping madness from the Cape May County Zoo.
And in case you missed it check the post below on Emily Dickinson and comment if you can on the subject. I'm fascinated by her work right now and I don't know why.
EDIT
I'm sure many of you were distraught when trying to access this lil corner of the web over the last 48 hours. Blogger farted and kicked FUGGO out for about 20 hours. But now it's back in all of it's candy reviewing goofiness.
Wanna tell me how much you missed the site? Skype me at fuggo@comcast.net
I'll be back later with more turtle humping madness from the Cape May County Zoo.
And in case you missed it check the post below on Emily Dickinson and comment if you can on the subject. I'm fascinated by her work right now and I don't know why.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
On Emily Dickenson...
What happened to her that was so terrible that she focuses(sp) so much on death and mortality? I'm having a hard time understanding much of her poetry. It seems to me that there was a series of events that just destroys her will to live and thusly causing her to write these beautifully depressing poems that I'm finding hard to resist right now.
But maybe she was just rebeling? Maybe since at the time she was the exception in poetry. She was a woman first, that was taboo. Then instead of writing about how wonderful everything was ala Keats she instead gets darker than Blake had ever gotten.
Thoughts?
And yes I know somehow culture made it's way to this page. I tried beating it away with a broom but to no avail.
But maybe she was just rebeling? Maybe since at the time she was the exception in poetry. She was a woman first, that was taboo. Then instead of writing about how wonderful everything was ala Keats she instead gets darker than Blake had ever gotten.
Thoughts?
And yes I know somehow culture made it's way to this page. I tried beating it away with a broom but to no avail.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Invasion
"Hello?"
"Yes may I speak to Mr. (k o w)?"
"Speaking"
"Well yes sir this is your lucky day, I'm here to tell you a great opportunity involving Cingu..."
"Wait a second please I'm kinda in the middle of something."
"Ok sir while your doing that I..."
"I don't think you heard me can you give me a second here I'm stuck."
"Sir we are now able to provi..."
"Look chum my house is being attacked right now by Amazons."
"Excuse me?"
"Amazons, see apparently they found out where I lived after I stole their idol spoon and so they came all the way up here to get me. At first they said they were here to sell me something and now their fucking the place up."
"Well that's quite the story."
"Yup and it's all true." (sound of toilet flushing in background)
"What was that noise?"
"I just ate all of the Amazons and instantly shit them out and flushed them down the lou."
"Thank you for your time."
"Hey what does 6 times 7 equal?"
And with that the line went dead. I think it's every persons duty to screw with telemarketers when they call you in the middle of going to the bathroom.
"Yes may I speak to Mr. (k o w)?"
"Speaking"
"Well yes sir this is your lucky day, I'm here to tell you a great opportunity involving Cingu..."
"Wait a second please I'm kinda in the middle of something."
"Ok sir while your doing that I..."
"I don't think you heard me can you give me a second here I'm stuck."
"Sir we are now able to provi..."
"Look chum my house is being attacked right now by Amazons."
"Excuse me?"
"Amazons, see apparently they found out where I lived after I stole their idol spoon and so they came all the way up here to get me. At first they said they were here to sell me something and now their fucking the place up."
"Well that's quite the story."
"Yup and it's all true." (sound of toilet flushing in background)
"What was that noise?"
"I just ate all of the Amazons and instantly shit them out and flushed them down the lou."
"Thank you for your time."
"Hey what does 6 times 7 equal?"
And with that the line went dead. I think it's every persons duty to screw with telemarketers when they call you in the middle of going to the bathroom.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Life in the doghouse...
The food sucks.
It's cold out.
And I suspect the only thing I'll be humping anytime soon will be inanimate.
Life in the doghouse is no fun.
Can someone throw me a bone here?
Bars
Inspired by Gary Numan's "Cars".
Here in the bar
I drink beer all the time
I can win at quizzo
and leave the others behind
In bars
Here in the bar
I eat pizza for free
I can listen to U2
In the bathrooms I go pee
In bars
Here in the bar
Where the smoke still flies free*
It kill me someday
If I continue to breathe
In bars
Here in the bar
I know I've started to think
About screwing this eve
because I'm really horny
In bars
* authors note: In the city of Philadelphia a measure has been brought up that would eliminate smoking in public spaces. I am and always will be against smoking but I find myself in a conundrum. I can't sit in a bar without there being smoke in the air. It just doesn't seem right to me. Thoughts?
Here in the bar
I drink beer all the time
I can win at quizzo
and leave the others behind
In bars
Here in the bar
I eat pizza for free
I can listen to U2
In the bathrooms I go pee
In bars
Here in the bar
Where the smoke still flies free*
It kill me someday
If I continue to breathe
In bars
Here in the bar
I know I've started to think
About screwing this eve
because I'm really horny
In bars
* authors note: In the city of Philadelphia a measure has been brought up that would eliminate smoking in public spaces. I am and always will be against smoking but I find myself in a conundrum. I can't sit in a bar without there being smoke in the air. It just doesn't seem right to me. Thoughts?
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Just relaxing...
I've taken 6 baths since Thursday night in the tub here in A.C. Extended weekends are wonderful. I'm off to take #7 now. Hope your all having as great a weekend as I am.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
How do you make a Grilled Cheese Sandwich?
After having a half hour debate with 3 friends last night over how to make a proper grilled cheese sandwich we all agreed that in fact the preparation of said sandwich varys greatly. So if you will my dear readers please tell me how you make a grilled cheese sandwich. I'm really actually interested in your response.
I'll give my method later on today.
EDIT:
Awesome to read all of your methods to this classic dish. I'm the same except instead of butter I use mayonaisse. NWC I love your idea with the waffle iron. I'm trying it this weekend.
I'll give my method later on today.
EDIT:
Awesome to read all of your methods to this classic dish. I'm the same except instead of butter I use mayonaisse. NWC I love your idea with the waffle iron. I'm trying it this weekend.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Snow Piles
The great thing about really big snowfalls to me are the giant piles of snow now piled up in parking lots across the northeastern part of the country. In one lot I pulled into last night there was a pile measuring close to 20 feet in height. It had to be the work of a bulldozer as
there was noway a plow could pile the white stuff that high. So I'm sitting there looking at the pile and I just couldn't help but think how much fun it would be to climb it. I walked over to it and started to climb the thing. It's pretty daunting to be about 10 feet up off the ground on a pile of snow with another 10 feet to go. After about 3 minutes I made it to the top much to the delight of a young family who had stopped to watch me reach the top. What started as a trip to the store for a dozen roses ended up being a mini adventure of a sort. I love these kind of diversions.
Now as I drove by the pile this morning on my way in all I could think was how great a snow fort that pile could be if I had my shovel handy. I hate to drive in the snow but I love to play in it.
Author's note: That pic is not one of the actual pile. The actual pile I wrote about is actually bigger than that one. I'll take pics later.
there was noway a plow could pile the white stuff that high. So I'm sitting there looking at the pile and I just couldn't help but think how much fun it would be to climb it. I walked over to it and started to climb the thing. It's pretty daunting to be about 10 feet up off the ground on a pile of snow with another 10 feet to go. After about 3 minutes I made it to the top much to the delight of a young family who had stopped to watch me reach the top. What started as a trip to the store for a dozen roses ended up being a mini adventure of a sort. I love these kind of diversions.Now as I drove by the pile this morning on my way in all I could think was how great a snow fort that pile could be if I had my shovel handy. I hate to drive in the snow but I love to play in it.
Author's note: That pic is not one of the actual pile. The actual pile I wrote about is actually bigger than that one. I'll take pics later.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Childhood Favorites Dead
Growing up I read a comic book about a bunch of Canadian superheroes who I adored as a kid. Their name was Alpha Flight and I loved reading their adventures in comics. Never a very popular super team they ended up basically being secondary characters over time. Now today, Valentine's Day of all days, I found out the team was annihilated in a comic book do out tommorow on store shelves. I don't read comics anymore but this still hurts for some weird reason. This team of wacky heroes with names like "Puck" and "Sasquatch" is now dead. Boy this day just sucks doesn't it. 
Valentines Day
I'm sure I'll be visiting sites today with plenty of people saying how much this day sucks and how they feel it's just another way for retailers to cash in. Those sites will go on to say how they won't be doing anything special this year and they won't let themselves be brought down by it all. The huss and fuss over today is something they wish not to take part in and they're standing adamant on that ideal. Good for them I say. Display your freedom from the rest of society's mindset by going home and masturbating. Because lets face it if you don't love yourself how can you love another?
Happy Let's Masturbate Day.
Happy Let's Masturbate Day.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
Urban Under
It was about 28 degrees last night as I pulled my bike up under the giant paper clip just north of City Hall. All the regulars were there. Most of them were bike messengers who do nothing but 
pedal all day while the others were a hodge podge of young and old. "Ok the race ends at 2nd and Lombard, first person there takes the mug." It was the mug I had come for. In years past I had gotten close to winning it but always fell short. I was one of the few entering the race on a BMX frame. Most competed aboard road bikes but I used my bike to take curbs and small jumps on my way to the end point. "Riders ready, please remember this is outlaw, ride safely and avoid all pedestrians." I gripped my bars tight and got ready to take off. The whistle blew and I took off heading towards Samson St figuring there would be less traffic that way. I hopped up on the curb and started weaving in and out of people, trash cans, and street signs. Making the right onto 8th St. I looked and could see no one coming this way. Interesting I thought but what the hell I was pedaling harder now than I ever had before in a mug race. I pulled onto Lombard St with 6 blocks ahead of me. Full sprint. The crank on my Haro Tr2.2 was spinning faster and harder than it has in a long time. I could feel the beads of sweat run down my face. As I neared 3rd St I could see two of the other racers cross the street. Dammit, I wasn't going to win but I was determined to finish it hard. The light at the intersection turned green as I approached and I bunny hopped off the curb and repeated the move on the other side of the street. I finished 5th out of 12. Not a win but not a loss in my book either. 
Last night was my first race in nearly 2 years of this type. I only got back into it as a classmate of mine was talking about running in it. It felt good. Sweating in 20 degree weather under the moonlight after racing through one of the most historic areas in the new world is something I think everyone should do once. After the race we all retired to the Artful Dodger where everyone enjoyed a beer and then pedaled home. Next month I plan on winning.
Remember folks theres always time to sit on your ass when your dead.
pedal all day while the others were a hodge podge of young and old. "Ok the race ends at 2nd and Lombard, first person there takes the mug." It was the mug I had come for. In years past I had gotten close to winning it but always fell short. I was one of the few entering the race on a BMX frame. Most competed aboard road bikes but I used my bike to take curbs and small jumps on my way to the end point. "Riders ready, please remember this is outlaw, ride safely and avoid all pedestrians." I gripped my bars tight and got ready to take off. The whistle blew and I took off heading towards Samson St figuring there would be less traffic that way. I hopped up on the curb and started weaving in and out of people, trash cans, and street signs. Making the right onto 8th St. I looked and could see no one coming this way. Interesting I thought but what the hell I was pedaling harder now than I ever had before in a mug race. I pulled onto Lombard St with 6 blocks ahead of me. Full sprint. The crank on my Haro Tr2.2 was spinning faster and harder than it has in a long time. I could feel the beads of sweat run down my face. As I neared 3rd St I could see two of the other racers cross the street. Dammit, I wasn't going to win but I was determined to finish it hard. The light at the intersection turned green as I approached and I bunny hopped off the curb and repeated the move on the other side of the street. I finished 5th out of 12. Not a win but not a loss in my book either. Last night was my first race in nearly 2 years of this type. I only got back into it as a classmate of mine was talking about running in it. It felt good. Sweating in 20 degree weather under the moonlight after racing through one of the most historic areas in the new world is something I think everyone should do once. After the race we all retired to the Artful Dodger where everyone enjoyed a beer and then pedaled home. Next month I plan on winning.Remember folks theres always time to sit on your ass when your dead.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
HNT- Huge Nut Thursday
No nakedness this week. Instead I present one HUGE NUT.
Others are getting naked today while we show off big nuts. Seek them out through Osbasso!
F the Internets!
Seriously. It takes up so much of our fucking time now that it takes away from doing worthwhile activities like running, doing the wash, and generally being active. Think for a second how much time you spend each day logged into the world wide web. Depressing isn't it? Think about what you could be doing with that time instead of sitting around burning your eyes out. You could be knitting your dog a sweater or trimming the hedges in your backyard that have become grossly overgrown. You could be reading a good book or making a dish a friend gave you the recipe for.
Being on the internet can't be good for your back either. As your reading this your bent over somewhat aren't you? Admit it that now your straightening up and bringing your shoulders back. Hey I know I'm doing it. Doesn't it feel good when you stretch back like that? Imagine how piss poor your posture is when walking around. I for one try to correct this everyday when I'm walking. Reason I do it is because when I'm 65 and on the internet I don't want my back to go out.
Being on the internet can't be good for your back either. As your reading this your bent over somewhat aren't you? Admit it that now your straightening up and bringing your shoulders back. Hey I know I'm doing it. Doesn't it feel good when you stretch back like that? Imagine how piss poor your posture is when walking around. I for one try to correct this everyday when I'm walking. Reason I do it is because when I'm 65 and on the internet I don't want my back to go out.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
No Caca!
Ever wonder why people say "No shit!" You'll say something like "Hey did you hear about the rhino that mated with a hippo? The baby is a hippo with a horn on it's head!" And then your friend says "No shit!" Someone just said it to me and it got me thinking. The only thing that popped in my mind was an empty toilet bowl. There are lots of places to find shit, especially the toilet but shockingly when I went to the bathroom to check if indeed there was shit the toilet yelled at me saying...
Yes the toilet actually talked Virginia.
Would you believe 300?
Yup 300 posts here on this site now. Hard to imagine how much time I've actually spent writing them all but if I had to guess I'd say I probably have spent a total of maybe 6 hours tops. Now you may say that's lowballing it. But consider the content on these pages. Mostly short stories or pictures accompanied by nonsense and candy reviews. Nothing too mind numbing and thats the way I wanted it.
I could have posted the "300 things you didn't know about k o w" but I find lists to be hard to read after #10 so I skipped that idea. Then I considered opening up this site to a reader to do a guest post but pulled back from that because how could I pick just one person? So instead I open the floor here for comments on what you really think of this site. Is it stupid? Refreshing? Maybe you think it would go great mixed with Coke Classic and some grenadine? Let's hear it. Don't hold anything back as I'll be the first person to admit something sucked.
I could have posted the "300 things you didn't know about k o w" but I find lists to be hard to read after #10 so I skipped that idea. Then I considered opening up this site to a reader to do a guest post but pulled back from that because how could I pick just one person? So instead I open the floor here for comments on what you really think of this site. Is it stupid? Refreshing? Maybe you think it would go great mixed with Coke Classic and some grenadine? Let's hear it. Don't hold anything back as I'll be the first person to admit something sucked.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
What's he saying?
Richard Pryor was the man. What do you think he's about to say to the motherfucker across the table from him? 
Monday, February 06, 2006
Asylum
I'll never figure out the vampire culture and such. Growing up here in Philly there was a club I'd go to called "Asylum". It was a goth/ fetish hang out and while I wasn't one to partake in any of the activities or dress of the place I couldn't help but go to observe. Me and my buddys stood out in our hockey jerseys and jeans and no one ever approached us. Which we didn't mind as we were getting served at 18 years of age. Then one night we happened upon our high school Bio teacher licking the feet of some young woman in a black leather boustier back by the pool tables. She had him on a leash and he had these fake vamp teeth in his mouth. Quite the surreal experience really. "Hey Mr. D" we all said to him but he wasn't allowed to talk back as the maybe 16 year old mistress had not given him permission.
Any goths read this who can explain the culture to me?
Any goths read this who can explain the culture to me?
Shocking
Quite possibly the best sour candy ever.
I'm not bullshitting you here. I ate 5 frigging packs of these things this weekend since discovering them mid-day on Friday. I mean their Sweettarts covered in a super sour candy shell, and their chewy! What wicked chemical engineer concocted this combination in the lab? They are sure to be a saint to those of us that like a little sour with our sweetness. These little candies are really tasty and well habit forming. It probably wasn't good for my health by eating as many as I did but I say we should enjoy ourselves as much as we can while on this plane of existence. And I'll be enjoying myself with these things. Off to buy a case on ebay.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Blessed
The Cherry Porter had just been served to me at the end of the bar when the local publican stood up to make an announcement. "Everyone tommorow is the feast of St Blaise, Fr. Walsh will be giving the blessing of the throat to anyone who wishes to have it done." So I turn and sure enough there was the good reverend already blessing the throats of my fellow patrons. Now there are many things I've done in a bar. I've eaten, drank, fought, argued, hugged, kissed, danced and fucked in one before but never have I had a blessing bestowed upon me by a Catholic priest while I held a pint in my hand. No longer being a practicing Catholic I took a couple of minutes to think this through. Being blessed in a bar is a pretty rare thing. I put it right up there with riding an elephant in your local parade. But I hadn't been to church in close to 10 years before this past Sunday. Would my getting a blessing be too much religon this week? I thought about it some more and then turned to a childhood friend of mine who was in the same boat as me with God and asked her if she was going to get blessed. "I don't know." was her response and that was good enough for me as I was about to bless my throat in my favorite way with more Cherry Porter.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Andy Rooney Brows
A Fuggo song parody based on Kim Carnes' "Bette Davis Eyes"
His hair is white and gray
His wit an email surprise
His face is never cold
Cause' he's got Andy Rooney Brows
He'll turn his mojo on you
You won't have to think twice
He's as burnt as Cheech and Chong
He's got fuzzy ass brows
And he'll pick you
he'll kick you
all the better just to teach you
He's facoccious
and he knows just what it takes to make a pol blush
All the rednecks think he's a cow
he's got Andy Rooney brows
His hair is white and gray
His wit an email surprise
His face is never cold
Cause' he's got Andy Rooney Brows
He'll turn his mojo on you
You won't have to think twice
He's as burnt as Cheech and Chong
He's got fuzzy ass brows
And he'll pick you
he'll kick you
all the better just to teach you
He's facoccious
and he knows just what it takes to make a pol blush
All the rednecks think he's a cow
he's got Andy Rooney brows
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